We told our son that we can’t keep enabling him by having him over for meals, showers, etc. He lives in his house without electricity or water. It is in foreclosure. Is this the right thing to do?

enabling
#1

Is tough love the right thing to do?

#2

To an extent this is enabling him but you know he’s being fed & clean if he’s coming over to eat & shower. You are not providing him with a place to live or giving him money.

#3

It’s really important to be aware of how much you can help as a loved one or family member. When the person struggling with substance use has the support and involvement of their friends and family their chances of making positive changes significantly improves. It is perfectly okay and reasonable to take care of your loved one without condoning or supporting the behaviors associated with the substance use.

As you move forward with supporting your son, keep in mind that “enabling” refers to things you do that encourages or reinforces the likelihood of your loved one’s substance use, or any other behaviors you see as unhealthy or don’t support. In this specific example you shared, I believe it’s important to examine what your son is doing to get into a better living environment. If he’s not doing anything and continuing to use, helping him with meals and showers could actually reinforce negative behaviors: “I don’t have to work on trying to get electricity or water because my parents always let me use the shower and cook for me.” This can keep him unmotivated to make positive changes. On the contrary, if he is trying really hard to work a program and has expressed a desire to improve his life, but due to his substance use is having trouble getting a job to pay for water and electricity, making him meals and letting him shower is perfectly reasonable: “I’m trying so hard but still can’t seem to get it together, but I’m grateful to have the support of my family and know they care about my wellbeing.”

Whichever scenario applies to you, I believe it’s wonderful to acknowledge that he is reaching out for help and not isolating, and on some level knows that he has the support of his family which can, in and of itself, make a huge difference!

#4

He’s not making any changes to better his situation. He’s comfortable with what he’s doing and not giving up the drugs. We told him we will help him in recovery, but not in his addiction. Thank you for sharing with me. :blush:

#5

Thank you Erica. Your advice and insight is very helpful. He isn’t making any changes and even though he’s put in applications, he does not have a job. He is not working a program and is against rehab. He wants to change his life, but not doing anything to do it. The phrase “When nothing changes, nothing changes. “. applies here.

#6

Well considering he is content living that lifestyle, then yes I would suggest stopping that. Until your son is ready to change no amount of treatment will help him. That’s just the straight truth of the matter.

#7

Keep the door open - let him know you love him, and you’ll always be there for him but you’re struggling to sit back and watch him hurt himself.

If you can find (sober) moments to highlight, in a calm and an empathetic way, some of the negative effects of his substance use (house without electricity or water, house in foreclosure etc.)

Perhaps a boundary here is around seeing some positive changes that will make you feel more comfortable with letting him come over for company vs living off you. Maybe it’s a plan that involves steps that will get him closer to having some level of self-sufficiency?

#8

This is a difficult question and depends so much on your and your son’s circumstances. I recently asked a large recovery group that I attend what, if anything, their families did that helped them find recovery. Their answers were quite varied and sometimes contradictory, but a few things seemed to be in common: self-care by family members (you taking care of yourself and modeling that for your son), compassion, finding a group or individual help for yourself, and boundaries. It sounds like you are doing these things. What they look like will change with the situation. As a mom, I know how hard the struggle is and I send you lots of love.