When I asked for advice from the recovery community and counselors several years ago, I was told (pretty much by everyone) “let the person with addiction feel the consequences of their actions.” However, this statement does not include a safety net if that person keeps falling or talk about the importance of compassion and connection. I would like your statements about how family and friends should support a loved one, given what we are learning about the nature of addiction. We need a new paradigm.
What do *you* think about how the recommended ways to support an addict are changing?
Jane
#2
Fully agree on the need for a new paradigm. Friends and family and social connections have too long been excluded from support when a loved one is facing addiction, yet our loved one’s lives are placed in our hands every time they return home from this or that treatment.
I agree that natural consequences (not calling in sick for our loved one’s) can be useful behavioral change tools. I also agree that safety should come first, be put in place, and that love and empathy and understanding are key.
I loved one of the concepts we learned in the CRAFT training recently. We the concerned significant others have 1. influence, and 2. unparalleled information about our loved one and their usage habits. When we are trained in evidence-based skills (CRAFT) we can use this influence and information to improve outcomes with our loved ones. I know this might all sound a bit vague here. (We’re working on how we can best share more of these practices with you all!)
But the bottom line is - a) we are change agents in this situation, not responsible, but we can impact outcomes and we need the training to do so.
The next important piece is that when a loved one is ready for professional treatment - b) we need to be able to access good options.
And c) they need to be ongoing and holistic.
I think here at Village, we’re starting with A and we’ll be working towards C.
Maybe I got off topic 
My statement is: family and friends should learn about addiction, should listen to their loved one, stay engaged, work together, be honest and open about concerns, and not give up. We should also look after ourselves first because research shows we suffer from heightened rates of anxiety, depression, anger and physical illness - and we need to be in tip-top shape to help.
Now I’ll get off my soapbox and love to hear what others think! 
katie
#5
When I started seeking help & answers to deal with my dad’s addiction, the only thing I knew was available to me was the Anon groups. (I mean, everyone knows about AA/NA/AlAnon/NarAnon… right?!) Even if I thought, “I’ll just ignore X or Y piece because it doesn’t quite work for me,” it’s all I knew to learn.
^ Does that even make any sense? I didn’t really know I had other options for how to care for someone struggling with substance use. While my brain knows that I have the power of CHOICE in every moment, I was in total PANIC mode when I started out on this journey - looking outside myself for answers. “Someone show me the way, pleeeease.” And what I found was the message, “Detach. Let the person with addiction feel the consequences of their actions.”
So, what’s interesting to me about the change that’s happening in the addiction space is that it requires us (me) to unlearn the training I was given and shift my focus to connection & compassion - exactly like you mention @Julie_Smith - but unlearning can be HARD.
I think what Village is doing really well right now is giving permission to those who need it in a moment of crisis to be concerned, be engaged, be experimental, and to not give up. It’s giving permission to think differently about addiction & my role in the recovery process.
fredleam
#6
Here’s a feature article from Money Magazine the group might find helpful. Parents Are Cutting Off Their Opioid-Addicted Kids — and It’s the Toughest Decision of Their Lives
The reporter read my blog article where we told our story of dealing with our addicted son. The reporter for Money interviewed four of us and offers our perspective as parents. All of us had huge financial consequences from helping our sons and daughters. We all had to make tough decisions.
I think you’ll identify with the stories.
Julie_Smith
#8
Hi @katie, when I was in a 12-step family group, I felt like some of the parents were so afraid that they handed over their own decision-making authority to the group or their sponsor. I could never quite do that. The group would often say that their advice may seem counterintuitive. Yeah, no kidding - some people in the group took tough love as allowing for the person with addiction to wind up in jail, homeless, you name it.
Now, looking back on it, I would have to advise against giving away your decision-making authority. Another person familiar with 12-steps explained, you the family member will have to live with whatever consequences come from your decisions around the person with addiction - so don’t give away that power to someone else.
Julie_Smith
#9
My family’s experience is that medication assisted treatment has been affordable and seems to have been helpful in allowing my son to keep a full-time job. I don’t know what the future holds, but this has been the best option for us right now.
Dean_Acton
#7
@Julie_Smith @Jane @katie I agree with all you guys. We definitely need a shift, some real change in how society views people struggling with addiction. Leaving someone who is addicting to feel the consequences of their choices will just leave then feeling alone and worse about themselves, though I can understand how that could force someone to grow out of almost a self survival instinct but that’s very risky especially when dealing with addiction. I feel like we definitely need more acceptance of people struggling with addiction. When I first started learning about how to help my fiance, I went at it like therapist point of view and tried to go right into the deeper reasons why she’s using. I wanted her to feel understood and let her voice everything she’s been bottling up for years and years. I get that we have to protect ourselves but to shut someone out just alienates them and will probably lead to more issues.