I just posted that I could not log in or get to my spot. Then it happened, so how dumb am I? My question is simple. What’s wrong with me? I try to do what is right, good and true. I do good at times, but when everything goes down hill, as it sometimes does, I can only wonder what I’ve done wrong. Is that crazy, full of myself, I’m not sure sometimes. Am I the only one who’s mind goes there?
You are not a malfunction, @jeanbug this website can be temperamental, just like people! I was locked out of my user name for a long while. I could only access “my” name & history on Chrome, but on Firefox I was locked out. When I would receive an email, I would click on the button “Go to the TOPIC” and it would take me to an anonymous user entity. Oh well. One day it was fixed. I thank the minions for that. It’s not you, it’s this wacked out world.
There is nothing wrong with you! What makes sense to one person doesn’t always make sense to another. I’ve been in this community for 11 weeks and still don’t know how to start a new feed(question) so you are doing better than I am! Cut yourself some slack, life is hard enough that you don’t need to add to the load by beating yourself up. NOBODY is perfect and everyone makes mistakes.
No malfunctions, @Jeanbug. You’re actually a perfectly functioning human being, complete with all of the feelings. You’re not alone, and this path we’re on is not linear. It goes up and down and around and backward and forward and fast and slow and holds us upside down and throws us around and brings us under and lifts us back up again. And all we can do is remember that this too shall pass, and remember that we’re made for this, and we’re resilient, and it’s going to be okay.
How to make a new question or topic.
- Open hamburger by your profile photo
- Click on NEW
- Click on + Ask Question.
- Write out Question or Heading in subject line and pick best category for that question.
I fully understand. My Son was recently arrested. I was shocked then I was anger, sad and scared. I went to visit him and he starts attacking me saying It was my fault I kicked him out on the street and that is why he got arrested. I start questioning myself . Am I a bad Mother and what did I do wrongs??
Dear @Navyarm- this is hard news, but maybe better news for you and your son in the long run. I’m sorry he treated you poorly for his choices and actions. Perhaps this time in custody will give him some reflective time. You are Not a bad Mother. You didn’t do anything wrong from what you’ve shared to date. We all fall short of our desired awesomeness. One thing to think about is… what did you do right? How can you gift yourself with a little moment of calm peace?
I’ve been in your shoes. Looking back you may question whether you made the right choice but as @Jeanbug stated, you did the right thing as a mother. He just needs someone to blame, and he is not ready to be accountable for his own actions yet. I feel for you. Stay strong.
Dear @Navyarm. As a recovering addict that has been on both sides of that picture I can put my 2 cents in if it’s ok? I don’t know the age of your son, or anything but the first thing I can see you did right was to kick him out of your home. For an addict, well in my case at least, that is where the parent, spouse, siblings, or whoever stops enabling the addict. After a time incarcerated your son will hopefully have a clear enough head to see that none of his situation is anyone’s fault but his and his friend called addiction. It’s not great being locked up, living in the streets, stealing to eat or to support a habit, but if that is the life of an addict then change may be best. Hopefully your son will see this. No one forces another to become an addict, especially a mother! He is safer there than where he was it looks like anyways. You can only give him live, but when a parent enables an addict then they are no longer helping. That is a hard one, and it’s in my case only because that is my experience but mostly they are alike when it comes to others. I’ve been on both sides of the table. Spent many years there, and you are not a bad mother from what I can see. Be strong and stand your ground. When a child dies because a parent has giving in to that addict that is not a thing you want to happen. You’re ok, in my opinion
This resonated with me…my son when using has also blamed me for things that happened. I think this is common with addicts…the blame others for their mistakes
I apologize for taking so long to respond, because I intended to make the time to respond immediately. I can completely relate to what you are thinking. I frequently ask myself the same questions.
I think that because loving a person who is struggling with addiction puts us in a crazy place. We work extremely hard to live normally in within a life that is not. ( And in reality, isn’t our world a bit crazy too?) So here we are, trying to keep all of our square pegs lined up evenly, and things keep knocking them down. And our loved one who struggles with addiction insists that we are the crazy ones. That we imagine that their behavior is off. That if we just did this better, everything would be fine. So we try even harder, and it’s not fine at all.
When you can step back and accept that the only normal you can create is your own, and you can’t control what anyone else says or thinks or does, you won’t be pulled down with your loved one. You aren’t responsible for another adult’s behavior or the consequences. You only control your own, and are only responsible for your own consequences. Then you set those boundaries that are so important. I’m willing to live with this, but not with that.
Hang in there! You are probably exhausted from fighting a battle that you can’t control or win. Because the battle you are trying to fight isn’t really yours to fight at all. Let go of all that, and build your own life of normalcy. When things get better for you, the change in you might encourage your loved one to work at change. (But remember, you can only change you and hope that your loved one decides to change. )
^ This one gets all the hearts from me!
Good to see you here, @Alair. How are you? Don’t be a stranger to your Village.
Yes, all of the things you’ve been typing make sense to me. I came from a family where you basically counted on your parents to get you outta trouble. I stayed outta trouble so it didn’t really come up. I was so privileged I did not know what struggling was, except how to unzip a mummy bag at girl scout camp.
When I try to solve problems for others by giving them money, it sorta works, but it’s financially exhausting and manipulative to some degree.
When I try to solve problems for others by giving them care and concern, it sorta works, but it’s emotionally exhausting and smothering.
When I try to solve problems for myself by focusing on my own character, goals, aspirations,
it works pretty well. My S/O is able to comprehend all the totality of his situation and the Grace and it’s for his efforts, worth, and redemption. He becomes able to direct himself toward his answers.
In the 60’s we sang “It’s your thing. Do whatcha wanna do,I can’t tell ya, who to sock it to”