What to do if he is acting distant after relapse, saying that he doesn't have emotion anymore?

relapse
#1

he used to be romantic. after 30 days of being sober he relapsed and everything turned upside down. now he doesn’t even talk, hardly replies to my text messages . he made it clear that he is not the one for me as long as he is still using . i can’t even have a chance of conversation . what shall i do ?

#2

Tough one @Mona my heart is going out to you (so great to have you here by the way :slight_smile: ). I know how painful it can be to love someone in active addiction. I have been in this situation with my now husband many times.

It’s hard to understand but the drugs are so strong they do hijack the brain and totally affect the ‘pleasure’ / ‘rewards’ systems and actually do make it harder to feel pleasure in normal day-to-day life. This affect is also what makes it so hard to stop!

A lot of guilt comes with it too. I’ve heard my husband say that before - ‘I’m no good for you’.

Couple suggestions:

  • Show you still believe in him, no matter what - this is his addiction talking.
  • Safety first - make sure that he has narcan and isn’t using alone.
  • Longer term help: there are medically assisted treatment options that can help with heroin addiction - has he tried any of these? Would he be open to try?
  • Does someone else have more influence over him than you? (A mom?) Right now he needs help to make some changes, if he is too ashamed to let you in, is there someone else who might get through to him now? This holds no bearing on your future relationship, simply calling in forces to get things back on track <3
    Can anyone have a conversation with him right now?
#3

I would like to thank you very much for taking the time to reply to my concern . i felt happy and supported for the first time during that circumstances that i am going through. i wish that i have contact with any of his family members or even friends . he lives in another city and i only know his family from Facebook ,we are not friends on face book, and i am afraid if i did contact his mom he might get angry and more distant. I am trying every now and then to show love but his ice berg is always there . i will not give up so easy at least not now , still feel i have a lot to give . thank you again for your advises , i will do my best to follow them .

#4

@Mona you’re so welcome. Any support I can give, I’m here for you :slight_smile:

Regarding getting the family involved… do you know if there’s one person he has a close relationship with? If so, I would contact that person, ask to have a call if you can’t get together in person. Mom’s or a close best friend of their’s can be great allies.

I’ve always told my husband - I’m concerned about your health and safety and that’s the reason for my actions, whether it be sharing information with family or something else. I don’t know your friend but it worked for me to lead with love in rationalizing actions. He might thank you later, he might thank you now, he might never thank you but still regardless you might make more certain he is safe this way.

Also, even at minimum, if you know he’s disconnecting a focus could be also making sure his family / friend are stepping up to simply support and stay connected with him during a tough time - this is equally valuable given they say connection is the opposite of addiction.

Continue to love and not give up on him, but since it’s heroin I think it’s worth it to try take this next step of getting someone on the ground in the know and involved.

All this coming from my own personal belief and witnessing how long my husband struggled, and how societal shame and silence plays in to suffering with addiction much too long!

#5

Hi Mona! Glad you’re here! As the wife of a recovering addict, I know how crazy-making it is when you love someone so much and they’re not able to return the sentiment.

I know how badly you want to talk about it, and I’m glad you reached out here!

It sounds like he knows he’s not in the best place to be the partner you need right now. Allowing him to seek the recovery he needs is important. While he’s working on him, you have a wonderful opportunity to work on YOU.

A few questions to get you thinking - Do you have a hobby? What’s your favorite color? What makes you smile? What do you think about when you’re alone? What do you see yourself doing in 5 years? What does the agenda of your “best day ever” look like?

If any of them revolve around someone else’s opinion or mood, or presence, dig a little deeper.

In my case, I was so scared of being alone, that I allowed my standards to slip. I allowed behaviors and situations that were not in my best interest to happen/continue.

I don’t say this to lay blame or insinuate that you don’t love yourself - simply to provide a deeper look into how you might see this as an opportunity for him to work on him, and you to work on you <3

We’re all here supporting you! (((hugs)))

erin

#6

I was like, “Where is she going with this favorite color question?” and then BOOM. :zap: This is such a good gut check @ErinHill.

#7

Hi @Mona, so glad you’re here and getting support! It can be really hard navigating our loved ones ever changing emotions. I’ve seen varying emotional states that stand out in those struggling with substance use when they are trying to get sober. The first is being on a “Pink Cloud” to describe a high-on-life feeling in one’s journey, or extreme happiness and satisfaction with life without substances. The other is a term called “anhedonia” which shows itself as a reduction in an individual’s ability to experience please, and those who have it often say they “feel nothing”, “feel cloudy”, or “feel numb”.

One theme I gather from all the great replies is to take a look at what your needs are at this time. I encourage you to do this simple exercise to try and find where your primary focus is at this time.

Rate each of these on a scale of 1 - 5, 1 being the least important, 5 being the most important
I want to help my loved one attain abstinence 1 2 3 4 5
I want to relieve my own emotional distress 1 2 3 4 5
I want to get my loved one into treatment 1 2 3 4 5
I want to learn how to support my loved ones sobriety and treatment 1 2 3 4 5
I want to increase my loved ones motivation for change 1 2 3 4 5
Something else 1 2 3 4 5

Whichever get’s the highest score is your priority at this time, to answer you question of “what shall I do?” this is a good place to start if you aren’t able to connect with anyone near him or his family.

Keep us posted, thinking of you! :yellow_heart:

#9

Hi @erica, i am so happy to be here with you. yes it is breaking my heart that he is acting this way.since last time he tried to stop using then he relapsed , every thing changed upside down . he is avoiding me hardly text, never call. he said he doesn’t have any feelings even for his little two girls.
I understand that at some moments , i should be looking at myself and my needs. thinking about this the first thing pops up in my mind tells me that what i need is to make sure he is safe and able to be the man i once loved.
thanks for the exercise, it was of a great help. the highest score was for (i want to increase my loved ones motivation for change) .thinking if i was able to do this ,i will eventually get the other targets one by one.
still the idea of contacting his mom echoing in my mind , though sound risky. after all i do not want to shut him down.
Erica, i am really glad to have you all around!:revolving_hearts:

#12

Hey @Mona! So glad you did the exercise and found you want to increase his motivation for change. Here is a link to a recent thread on what to do if a loved one has no motivation to change.

Everyone has different levels of motivation to change, so sitting and talking with them about if they are motivated, how motivated they are, what is motivating them, and what is keeping them from being motivated could be a good start.

And know that our level of motivation to change also changes day-to-day, hour-to-hour or even minute-to-minute. If you can’t get through to your loved one right now then take a break and try another time!

#8

Hi @Mona It’s so nice to have you here. 1st of all, my husband in recovery’s addiction has given me every opportunity to soul search due to not understanding where his mind takes him. I’ve always thrived on chaos as it is in these times I know how to react. When my desire to help him is stronger than my desire for my own serenity, then I know all I can do is sit on my hands. This means that there is not much we can do other than be there for them compassionately. Q-tip also known as an acronym meaning quit taking it personally. When they don’t feel like they can measure up, show them that you can handle while they cannot. This allows them the opportunity of trying to focus on getting well. My experience, strength, and hope

#10

Hi @KimA , dear i never thought i am to search for how to help any body else other than my own self. they change you life experience . i became some how educated about addiction and mood swings. but as a woman i get hurt by the rejection that he is showing. i learnt that this could be the addiction talking not him. yet you can’t just help asking yourself what if it is him not the addiction, what if he doesn’t love you anymore ? but you are definitely right i should show him that i can handle this to help him trying to focus .

#11

Hi @Mona. I never in a million years thought that I could be stronger thsn the effects his disease had on me, but with the help of my alanon program and my sponsor. I was given lifeskill tools to learn how to keep the focus on me while being compassionate to him. I pray you find same serenity. I have had the sleepless nights and the crying out to God bc I thought he didn’t love me. The disease will hate you as you try to create boundaries, but the man with the disease still loves you. It wasn’t until I learned to detach with love and seperate the man from the disease that I have come to have inner peace and happiness. HAPPINESS IS AN INSIDE JOB