What to do when you are feeling so so lonely and drained?

[Blondie]

I just hit a breaking point this evening. I feel like so much of this life is about him and what helps him feel better/optimistic/more confident. I feel like I have been tirelessly pouring energy into being encouraging and uplifting, and i feel like it’s for nothing. He still comes home drunk 4/7 days of the week. He still hides and lies and gaslights.

When he’s sober, everything is amazing, and I feel like those memories have been carrying me through these dark days. I am trying to be in tune to my own needs, especially mental-health-wise, but today I feel drained. He is downstairs watching a movie, and honestly, I might just go to bed (it’s only 8:30 right now.) I am just so sick of pouring so much effort when it doesn’t seem like he’s even trying.

Has anyone else found anything that really helps in this case?

[Jane]

Been there take extra care of you now. Early to bed. Read, watch something you enjoy. It can help to plan time with friends, family (those who are understanding and supportive) or even plan a break for yourself. It’s a lot to handle and we can absolutely get run down by it so taking extra care of YOU right now is so deserved

[Blondie]

@jane thank you so so much.
Update: even just typing this out took a huge weight off. I did some reading, washed my face, drank some tea, connected virtually with some people who inspire me, and recited some positive affirmations. I am still pissed at him, but I’m going to go to bed now, get a good sleep, and let him deal with the sore back that comes with passing out on the couch watching a movie.

Also, the fact that this community exists is magic and truly healing. Thank you @jane for creating a space for us.

[Jane]

Thank you so much for the update and kind words @Blondie

We are so not alone in this, for every person struggling with addiction (1 in 7 Americans will in their lifetime) there are people who care, want to help, worry, get frustrated, run down, need support, new ideas, evidence-based skills and information we exist because I’ve been on (and am still on) this exact journey and I know that together and with these tools it gets better!

And we all deserve that. Thank you for being here and sharing the pain and the wins with us! Your experiences help so many others who read these and may not yet feel ready to share their own.

Do trust that they feel the exact same things, despite how different specific experiences may look.

[Tlee22]

@Blondie, I could have written this post, right down to the part where I allow (maybe sometimes even wish) for a sore back because he passed out drunk on the couch. It’s so easy to feel consumed by trying to do everything right to help them get better and feeling so tired and worn out yourself in the process. Even though I generally have good self-care practices, there have been times when I’ve gotten so overwhelmed by it all that nothing seems to help. I’ve started to ask myself in those moments “what do I need right now?” and avoid thinking about what I should do (I’m a major “should-er”, working on that!) Sometimes I need quiet, sometimes I need to be outside and feel the sun or breeze on my face, sometimes I need to watch the worst reality tv show, and sometimes I need the support from a friend. Sometimes its all or none of those things. Those times can feel like survival to me so I acknowledge that whatever I need in that moment is okay and I can pick up the helper hat tomorrow, or not, but I can take a big pause from it all. I think it’s most important to be present when he’s sober so when he’s not, I give myself all the grace about whatever I have to do in those moments to tend to myself so I can be healthy when he’s in the headspace to work towards positive change.

It sounds like you took very good care of yourself last night! Hang in there and know you are definitely not alone.

[momentsandlight]

I’m glad you have been able to find some small ways to take care of yourself - the small things can be so big! Typically when I’m feeling drained like that I try to remember that those feelings are temporary. And then I try to make space for myself. Oftentimes that means getting out of the house, going to an Al-Anon meeting, reading, writing, doing something creative.

Do you ever talk about these feelings with your loved one? Let him know how you’re feeling - not to blame him but rather to get HIM involved with YOUR recovery so he can ask what it is YOU need during these times? You are both healing right now and just because he’s the one suffering addiction doesn’t mean he can’t give you support. And it might even make him feel better to be able to help you.

[Jane]

So nice @Tlee22 and I’m sure this is really helpful for @Blondie thank you for sharing your process with us