Several months into sobriety my son is having trouble with the idea that he can’t drink again ever, and therefore a whole dimension of the normal social life is forever closed off to him. While this is a dramatic way of thinking about it, privately I agree that ‘just find friends at meetings’, or ‘take up an interest’ is a lame message to a twenty-something who’s feeling isolated, even if these things would indeed help. Meanwhile we get mixed feedback from professionals - some say absolutely not, while others say it does happen but is rare and only after a long time. Is there a good answer?
What's the reality about someday being able to drink moderately?
emma
#2
I think a better approach to this is to show him that social life isn’t necessarily closed off to him if he’s not able to drink. He’s a twenty-something, so it’s unreasonable to expect him to not hang out with people that are drinking, so showing him how he can participate in that part of life without drinking will make his sobriety far more sustainable.
If he doesn’t feel comfortable telling friends why he doesn’t drink, he can always order virgin cocktails, many wouldn’t be able to tell that there’s no alcohol in them so he wouldn’t have to worry about friends asking him to drink more.
erica
#4
Ah, this is a very common question we get in the addiction/recovery field. I wish i had a golden answer, but unfortunately, to date, there is no clear evidence that gives an answer one way or the other. There are so many factors to consider and with most things, it’s an extremely individual experience for everyone. Generally, if someone is considering drinking moderately down the line the best outcome will come if they have a significant amount of abstinence, have worked a recovery program, and have worked with specialists in the field to understand the underlying reasons for drinking in the first place. If, and when, one decides they want to try drinking in moderation it’s best to be open and honest with all parties involved (family, therapist, addiction psychiatrist, etc), to help keep accountability.
It is very normal to struggle with the idea of “never drinking again ever”, that sends people spiraling into a world of future unknown situations and circumstances that no one can predict (also known as anxiety). In clinical settings when my clients would bring this up I would really try and drive home the thought process of one day at a time, “today I won’t drink, and hopefully tomorrow I won’t drink”.
I think it’s wonderful that he’s open to discussing this topic with you, and I’m glad that you feel comfortable engaging with him and not changing the subject! It makes sense he feels isolated among peers, and I’d say there’s hope that as he gets to know himself better, and understand his addiction better, he’ll feel more comfortable with himself and as a result, become more open to others!
b23
#3
Well, we’re down the road from that - I and others have made exactly these points often enough that he just tunes them out by now. The problem isn’t that he can’t tell his friends - he has - or that he can’t go to a bar or a club and order something non-alcoholic - he has done that. He is trying. It just doesn’t work for him, and you can’t talk someone into feeling comfortable, especially around friends who do treat him differently.
As I understand it, the question of whether he can ever resume is normal and something that almost all people in recovery wonder about. I’m glad he raises it with me, and for me the right response is not to change the subject to how he’ll learn to be happy without it. The safe answers are either “No” or “I don’t know” but I thought I’d ask it here.
polly
#5
I am learning about this one currently. In my experience with my husband, it doesn’t seem to lead to using the drug he really struggled with (cocaine) but it still is less of a behavior change and less of a shift in coping skills that I’d really love to see. His evening wind down routine that currently includes alcohol more often than not is more worrying to me than his few beers with friends.
In my experience, the jury’s still out on this one. But I’ll certainly keep you all posted!