When my son has been offered every opportunity to receive assistance, and will not do so, how will I cope watching him drink and smoke himself to death?



My son’s X left him for someone she had been cheating on him with for several months. They had been together 13 years and thier daughter, who was 11 years old when the cheating, and took place. The most hurtful issue is that his X talked my son into believing that she really wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, and he allowed her back into their lives…FIVE times. Finally, she moved in with the boyfriend, moved into a home a few blocks from where he and his daughter had lived for 10 years, and is now pregnant. Although an exceptional man in every aspect of his life, he was devasted and fell into a deep depression. He was had been assisting in running Pacific Clinics in Pasadena, as a licensed Mental Health Counsler, Peer Partner, and Supervisor, as a non-profit agency, he was not paid for the almost 24/7 hours he was required to work. So, he left his position, moved out of the community, and requested that his X take on the overall responsibility of their daughter. Then, he was not allowed to see his daughter, and I am not allowed to see her either, unless he deals with her directly, which he won’t do. Due to all of this, he began drinking and smokling constantly. How do I cope with watching him drink & smoke himself to death?


Why do I have to ask the same question(s) over, and over, and over again? HOW DO I HANDLE/COPE WATCHING MY SON DRINK AND SMOKE (TOBACCO) HIMSELF TO DEATH? He is so depressed, he can hardly function and, as mental health professional himself, feels counseling won’t help him.

How can I deal with the total destruction my son's drinking and smoking has caused?

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, @Jerilopez4. It is heartbreaking to watch someone you love suffer and feeling helpless with trying to help them. When my husband was at his worst, I had to really examine what I had control over (me, my thoughts, my feelings, my behaviors, and my mental health) and what I did not have any control over (him, his use, his mental health). As hard as it was, I realized there was no way I could be helpful to him if I was constantly stressed and not taking care of myself. Because self-care is something that will look different for every person (and maybe in every moment), I’ll share some things that I did, but of course, you’ll have to figure out what it is you need in this time. I started with therapy, attending Village weekly meetups and reading this forum, giving myself space when he was using, taking care of myself physically and mentally (by making sure I was getting adequate rest, eating well, exercising, meditation, and REST), recruiting a support network of others who love and care about him so they could also be there for my husband when I was emotionally tapped out and couldn’t be, and I tried to make any sober time he had positive for the both of us. Ultimately, it wasn’t me that was the deciding factor in my husband’s decision to get treatment, it was due to well-meaning comments of others that convinced him it was time. To me, that solidified the importance of involving others in this, it really does take a village. Also, take a look at the different approaches to treatment that may be available. Counseling is only one option and if he doesn’t think it will work, it very well may not, but it’s certainly not the only one so it might be helpful to explore other options and present them to him in a moment when he seems open to having the conversation. This page on treatment options might be helpful for you: https://wethevillage.co/t/12-treatment-paths/2393

I did a lot of research on options for my husband before he was ready to commit and it made the process so much easier when the time came.

Thinking of you and sending you lots of love and strength during this time.