I don’t believe that it has to be all or nothing - the AA way. BUT it’s still concerning to see my loved one use alcohol to soothe and calm a racing mind. He’s really doing so well, but I’d love to see meditation substituted for red wine. How do I continue to coach towards better habits and be an ally, without letting it frustrate me? Or should I really just let it go?
When should I be really worried about how much he is *still* using?
erica
#4
For some it’s not all or nothing, and everyone’s recovery is individual. A question that pops into my mind is “Is he drinking to numb, or am I interpreting it that way due to my worries”? If he’s verbalized he drinks to numb, then that in and of itself is great, because he feels safe sharing that with you after everything you’ve been through! In terms of this situation I think it’s best to move forward with curiosity about what the substances did for him in a non-judgemental compassionate and empathetic way. Let him know you want to have open dialogue and you’re there for him and want to understand what his journey has been like, because you ARE a team. This will allow him to let his defenses drop and engage more fully with you.
This is a good flow to follow when preparing for communication with your husband:
- Ask permission to have a conversation: by doing this you allow him to invite you in rather than intrude, it allows him to be a participant in the conversation versus a passive recipient, and by asking permission you increase the likelihood that he will listen to what you have to say and be open and receptive.
- You can now provide him with information you may want to share: offer, don’t impose, provide options to achieve the goal such as: go to a therapist and process the role of alcohol in his life, talk to his doctor, go to a Moderation Management meeting and see if he can relate, etc.), if there is disagreement, flow with it so it reinforces that you want to be an ally in helping positive change for the both of you. You can also use this time to share your concerns.
- Check back in with him by asking “does that make sense to you”, or “I just want to check back in about…”
Shifting from a reactive position to taking proactive actions can also help both of you! Instead of focusing on the things you want to see change, shift focus to reinforcing to the behaviors you want to see more. Use reinforcement tactics such as:
o Acknowledging the little things that are good in them directs their attention to positive aspects in themselves – this sets a seed in them to initiate small positive changes that can ripple into bigger changes *this is more effective than encouraging a loved one who isn’t ready to engage in recovery
o Small acts of positive acknowledgment lay the groundwork for change
If you begin to engage in healthy behaviors to reduce stress or calm a racing mind (doesn’t have to be meditation, could be going for a walk, yoga, other exercise) it will encourage him to think about alternate ways to manage emotions that aren’t drinking. If he see’s you doing healthy things and getting positive results, he may be encouraged to try new things with you!