When you know what to do and say but come home, he's drunk, and all the 'right things' go out the window - you know what I mean?

self-care
alcohol
recovery
#1

Came home last night 8pm and my husband was drunk as a skunk. He’s working from home right now so that means he just decided on his own to down a bottle of wine before I got home.

I felt so mad and shocked and upset. Which made him all of the above.

We live in a small 1 bedroom apartment so there’s no real ‘get away from it’.

I ran myself a bath, skipped dinner (I’d lost my appetite anyway) and just tried to calm myself. No surprise I got into be but couldn’t fall asleep til midnight and woke at 4.45am!

I’m just going to let this day happen and this speed bump soften. But man, you can be sailing along and then wham I’m back on my ass.

This addiction stuff is crazy.

Anyway, just wondering if you feel the same? Like you learn the tools then get caught off guard and it is just maddening?

#2

Yes I have definitely felt that way. I would joke with my therapist that we were preparing for “game day,” but when game day came I’d often forget everything I had practiced. It can be easy to get caught up in the moment and let emotions take over. I’m glad you were able to find time for yourself and try to calm down. Hopefully you’re able to talk to him tonight after you’ve both have some time to think. In the meantime, don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re human, you’re strong, and you’ve gotten right back up.

#3

I’m sorry to hear you had a rough night @polly, but it sounds to me like you handled it the best you could.

Yes, this addiction stuff is crazy and there’s never a linear path that anyone can easily follow. I find these roadblocks harder to deal with in longer term recovery because a new normal emerges and when the old behaviors come back it’s as if it’s a huge shock to the system.

In addition, you are SO NOT ALONE and I have felt the same. I know all the tips, tricks, and tools, and have found myself in the moment not being able to act on any of them! We’re all human! Something that has helped me is shifting my expectations (not so drastically so I wait for the other shoe to drop, but just have an awareness that life brings ups and downs), and practice the tools when I don’t need them. This helps me when I do need them: it becomes more automatic to respond with the tools the more they are practiced.

Just take it one day at a time and like @momentsandlight said:

Thinking of you :orange_heart:

#4

How’re you feeling now @polly?

#6

Good now. Mostly because he learns the lesson of the fact his body can’t handle too much booze.

But it’s tough because we still can’t really talk about it how id like to. I’d like him to see how bad it is for him. But because I get so mad he gets defensive- saying why can’t you just take it lightly and make a joke of it instead of acting like the world is ending. Which makes sense logically because I add to his deep shame of his loss of control with alcohol. But it’s so hard for me to do. I get so disappointed.

AND because he was drunk he remembers certain feelings like ‘I was mean to him’ but not the whole situation. Or not how I saw it sober.

So yeah. Better but still not sure how to handle it next time.

And he has a trip coming up with a friend he really wants to go on but it is to mardigras and this friend drinks like a tank and so it’s a bummer because maybe he won’t want to go anymore and he loses that connection he could build because of dumb alcohol. Maybe he will go. We will see.

Thanks for asking / following up <3
These moments certainly do ebb and flow.

Oh also did I mention he was too hungover to do anything on Valentine’s Day. It’s like he has a radar for ruining moments. I know he doesn’t care about commercialised holidays but I love taking any chance to celebrate! Especially ones I can plan for cos I’m a planner!!

#5

I am struggling with similar things with my partner.

I am not a religious person but I have been thinking about “tough love” alot lately and Corinthians 13 really does speak to me. I am not one to typically quote the Bible (unless I’m trying to school some hateful person) but that passage reminds me to recenter and try to calmly assess where my boundaries perhaps need to be reinforced but with love. I have yet to find this balance myself but I believe it can be done.

“Love is PATIENT, love is kind. It does not envy…it always protects…ALWAYS HOPES. ALWAYS PERSEVERES”

We have been taught over and over again that what is really love and support is enabling and codependent. We can’t change that narrative over night. It takes practice to shake off all those old teachings and try a new perspective. Tough love does not inspire change. It is difficult sometimes but I really believe that in establishing clear boundaries WITH LOVE and PATIENCE we can support those we love who are struggling. If we are the ones struggling, we can harness that love and support to persevere and move forward toward positive change. I have to believe this because the alternative is not something I can accept about this world.

I work in harm reduction so I see the outcome of tough love every single day. So many wonderful but suffering people I know have lost their loved ones because of the problems their using had brought into all of their lives. I am not saying these people should be free of accountability or be thrown a pity party. Im not pointing fingers at their families either, they believed that their person needed to hit rock bottom and be confronted with ultimatums that they couldn’t possibly honestly choose from, in order to “recover”. But “rock bottom” for many is jail, HIV and HepC. It is isolated, violent, and exploitative relationships. It is continued, cyclical, snowballed trauma that just pushed people further and further away from positive change. How can anyone come back from these consequences without love, patience, perseverance and hope?

I don’t know what the answer is. Love yourself first. This I know it vital. Be patient and kind to yourself too. Keep your heart open to change in your loved ones and in yourself. Celebrate it upon its arrival.

Thank you for this post so that I could use this opportunity to explore my own feelings about this issue here in the forums. Having myself a little cry now but a good cry. Wishing you the best.

#7

Thanks for exploring your feelings with us @NodSquad! Also, without getting religious, I like to replace “love” with my name in that passage - “Katie is patient, Katie is kind, Katie does not envy, shes does not boast…” It really helps keep me accountable to loving actions.