Where do I go from here?

#1

Hello everyone ,

I’m new here & to be honest it’s a little overwhelmingly amazing to see so much support . I came across this site as I have been tirelessly searching for help…

I am very unsure where to go from this place in my life ?
Any help would be appreciated. Here is a bit about my story and why I’m seeking help through the Village(tears)

My husband is a cocaine addict and last night he relapsed.
We have been married for barely over a year , together for 6 years . We are in our late 20’s no kids and both work full time .
Previous to meeting I knew he struggled with Cocaine in the past but he had been clean for 10 years!
So that side of him I never really knew until 1 year into marriage he confessed he had relapsed and been using off and on. We talked and worked it out but we never really followed through with counseling , rehab or marital counsel either as he had agreed to.Things just “seemed” to be getting better and we put the “incident “ behind us , but this is where I went wrong … I should’ve sought for more resources & I just don’t know where to go and who to seek help from or where to get it . IM just stuck … i have never had a drug addiction affect my life before and with it being my spouse who I love so much .
He is very kind, respectful and works a good job … I don’t know the signs but although I’m starting to catch on to his triggers and depression and his dark moods that give me a gut feeling he may relapse.

I don’t have family to go to as they would tell me to leave him , I am not ready to give up or remove myself yet until he seeks help.

8 months have gone by previously of bliss and good times since he relapsed last night , he came home from a Christmas work party which he immediately confessed to relapsing when I probed his timing of things didn’t add up.

I’m upset I feel betrayed and I feel that I’m at fault and I feel so lost .
I want to save my marriage and get my husband the help he needs … I’m not pushing him but he also is on board for getting help…
A part of me wants to separate until he gets help and apart of me doesn’t want to leave him on his own .
It’s hard because I’m fearful of a relapse and I’m fearful of the future . I want him to be better but I also won’t stand by after many relapsing… it’s just too heartbreaking.

How and where do we start on this journey to recovery ? Where can he go & where can our marriage seek help for addicted spouses ?
Anything helps

#4

HI @Honorableteacup. I’m brand new here but not brand new to living with an addict. My husband’s drug of choice is alcohol and I too lived in the dark, but in my case it was for 15 years. I knew that the amount he drank wasn’t normal, but it wasn’t until a liver disease diagnosis that everything seemed to make sense, fall into (or out of place), and the walls started to cave in. It felt like I was living with a man I didn’t know, a stranger in my house and in my bed. The more I needed the truth, the more he lied. The more I needed to feel safe, the more it felt like everything was falling apart.

Listen, the advice that @momentsandlight gave you is spot on. You need community. You need to know that there are others out there who are going through exactly the same thing as you. You’re not alone. There are a lot of us.

I remember my first al-anon meeting where someone said that they found bottles of booze hiding in ceiling tiles and I thought, oh my God, it’s not just me!

Most of all, you’ll see that it’s not you and really it’s not even him, it’s his disease. And it’s not a disease like cancer, or diabetes, where you can tell the patient to take their medication or go for their treatment and they do it. It’s a brain disease, where the brain can’t understand that it’s sick and doesn’t think it needs help (most of the time).

I wish I could reach across the keyboard and give you a hug. I don’t want to tell you what to do, but I’ll tell you what someone told me 5 years ago: put things in place to protect yourself from harm and from hurting. Get help, get community and reach out to anyone who will listen.

It’s true, some will tell you to run. Lots of people tell me that all the time. It truly is hard to know how hard that is until you’re living it.

I’ll offer you a virtual hug and a listening ear. God bless you in your journey. it is possible to keep on keeping on, one day at a time. But also know that it’s ok to walk away and look after yourself first.

Much love.

#2

Hi @Honorableteacup, I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I’m also glad you’ve found this space and you’re open to recovery. When I found myself completely clueless, lost, betrayed, weak, alone, the first decision I made was to start loving myself again. I made an appointment with a therapist the next day. I couldn’t begin anything until I started taking care of myself.

I started educating myself on the disease of addiction - learning how it affects the brain and what it means for anyone in its path. Some books that have helped me: Clean by David Sheff, Beyond Addiction by Jeffrey Foote. Understanding how addition works can truly help empathize with our loved ones and what they’re going through. Addiction is not a moral failing. When my husband is in active addiction, it’s like his brain is hijacked. I know he doesn’t want to be addicted. I’ve seen him work so hard to make changes. But he’s human, and he makes mistakes, just like all of us when we try to make changes in our own lives.

Community helps. There is this space which is amazing, social media, and face-to-face meetings such as Al-Anon. I’ve found Al-Anon to be incredibly helpful for me as I learn to let go of expectations of what recovery, my marriage, my husband, my life is “supposed” to be and start living in this moment. It really helps when I’m feeling overwhelmed with worry of the future. Or any community that offers a safe, non-judgmental space where you can share, heal, grow, and connect.

Recovery is a lot of work for everyone involved. Not only does your husband have to work, but so do you. And it’s amazing that he was able to be honest with you and is open and willing to take steps toward recovery. Hold on to that. There is always hope. :pray::sparkles:

#3

Thank you so much for responding to me .
I really appreciate it , you really have been a lot of help.
I will check those book recommendations and advice you e given . Thank you for sharing… you have really hit it right in the dot for all things I’m feeling .