Hello, I am new to this community.
I am having a hard time today, I recently separated from my ex fiance, 3 weeks ago. He had been on and off cocaine, first he went to treatment, (I think he did it for me mainly) but then stopped. Hospitalization and operations (intestines) haven’t stopped him. The fact that he has a son to take care of (not mine) neither. I know he has tried to take very little now and again and hide his use before the split.
I know he loves me, but cocaine really messed his mental health. I had to ask him to leave my apartment where we both lived after an incomprehensible fight where he got verbally agressive and even threatening. It was all my fault… Then he disappeared for days. When I saw him he was a shell of himself. I must say that he is a lovely, sensitive person when not using, who has given me great moments of joy, love, care and affection. We were very much committed to each other. It breaks my heart to see him so lost. He has found an apartment of his own and we have separated.
He has since then (from a distance) lied, manipulated, been more on it than off, contacted my mother to try to destroy my relationship with her (though deep down he knows it is not possible), etc. I am truly devastated. He has shown no remorse whatsoever and is still trying to pull my strings, saying I am like a wall now etc. That he wants to see me, and I have said not for the moment, maybe someday, pointing out that his addictions hurt me too much. He surrounds himself with very toxic people as well, that I didn’t allow when together.
It has been eye-opening for me. I realize I am codependent (since ever), and that I have to learn to love myself first And him as well! But he is far from that point. He says he is miserable without me. More than that (our relationship) which is broken, I struggle keeping no contact. I feel he is really suffering but can’t own up to anything, and it is like watching or knowing someone you love is well on his way to complete destruction. I have been spending a lot of time alone since then. Today we message to return some stuff in the letter box, I could tell he was sober for once and at work and I could feel his despair and some truth to how he is: says he is lost. It makes me feel quite frankly like a bitch and it hurts so much. I know he can’t stand himself and it is easier to just go back to that. He obviously had an extremely difficult childhood, and all the love in the world from me and care hasn’t helped. I feel he is more lost than ever. He still says we need to talk. Even after his disappearing act I did agree to see him in a few more days to both be calm but before that and on his days off he used again and was very hateful towards me (calling my mother, accusing me of stuff, etc). So I now that he is sober again at least today I have said not really, to meeting up. At least not for the moment? What do you think? It is breaking my heart, I do wish we could talk but not sure it will make any sense to him. Our separation was brutal after 2 years and we did have good communication, at least that.
My closest tell me to never speak to him or see him again, they are afraid I will go back to him or get sucked back in. I thought that was the right plan but I am torn now. What do I do? I am not sure what is best for him and for me. It is tearing me apart.
Any advice greatly appreciated. I am in my late 30’s and would like to be a mum one day, that was our plan. Fortunately it hasn’t happened. But I fell I am abandoning him completely.
I wish you also all the strength and courage in the world and above all peace.