My boyfriend has 54 days. When he first got home from rehab, I was just so happy to have him back. I missed him so much. I was so proud of him. I was so READY to join him on his journey.
But now? Now I feel… lost. I know we are in no position to make any decisions about our relationship. I know his recovery is the priority. But… I just finished a year where his addiction was his priority. And the parallels between the two are striking. In his addiction he forgot my birthday. In his new recovery he could not take the time to do much of anything for my birthday. In his addiction our physical intimacy was ZERO. In his recovery his focus on physical intimacy lies primarily around getting a need met that he was unable to “make happen” before. In his addiction all we talked was him. In his recovery all we talk about is him.
Yes I practice great self care. I attend Al Anon 5 days a week. I have a successful career as a social worker. Ive raised two amazing young men all on my own. I have an amazing “village” of friends who are my “family.”
And yet? I feel “stuck” in this weird limbo of a relationship where ZERO of my relationship needs are met. Ok. Not “zero.” But the “typical” healthy relationship benefits I so want from him (not anyone else. I LOVE this man,) are close to non-existent and while intellectually I KNOW we are just not there yet, emotionally I’m feeling really sad. And slightly cheated out. Which then makes me feel like an asshole.
I feel like I’v waited SO LONG to feel cherished and loved and now that I have the real him back, here I am. Still waiting. And being supportive. And loving him hard. And I wont stop doing that.
But a small part of me feels…