Newcomer, hurting
Today I am hurting. I have been with my partner for a year now. He never used in our relationship, it has been a year of an incredible, supportive, kind, loving partner. Monday, he relapsed. Heroin and cocaine. I was at a loss, but wanted to help. I only caught the aftermath of sleeping for two days. Wednesday he storms out of the house saying he needs to use once more and the next day he’ll go to rehab because he can’t stop. I tried to stop him, called his friends and family who also tried, nothing worked. I tell him if he doesn’t go to rehab and stay and get as much help as possible i will be leaving with the cats. He understands and says he will let me take him in the morning. I again have never experienced this, and never saw this side of him, so I had no idea what to do. He uses in front of me. Says he just feels so hopeless and cannot help himself and keeps saying the rehab. I was traumatized. I couldn’t imagine being there, but I couldn’t imagine leaving him to die before going to rehab alone if he overdosed. So I stay with narcan in my hand in tears. Thursday comes and I take him to rehab. RELIEF.
Until saturday. He calls me asking me to pick him up from a random restaurant during withdrawal. Uses shop phone because the rehab won’t give him his phone or wallet for 72 hours. I again, have no idea what to do. I pick him up and it’s basically 3 hours of driving (he even requested we go to a meeting, so we did) and him telling me he wants to kill himself, wants to beat addiction but doesn’t think he can, the urge to use is so real, etc. I’m just trying to tell him how because of this, rehab is the best option and gives him a great chance and separation from drugs with people who can help him. He starts getting mad, I’ve never seen him yell or angry with me ever. He is now screaming at me to take him home and leave him there so he can use once more and will take himself to rehab. I finally accept i can’t do it for him. So I’m crying driving home and packing my bags with the cat. Just sobbing. During this he asks me to take him back to rehab and says he’s the most broken he’s been. Says if it’s using or the relationship, then he picks the relationship and will go to rehab. Dropping him off he says I’m the only reason he’s there and will make me proud.
I’m still at a loss for words. Trying to focus on myself but just at a fucking loss. I’m hurting for him and where he is. My heart breaks for him. My heart also breaks for myself, I have no idea what to do. I know him staying in there for me isn’t sustainable. I can’t imagine leaving and I can’t imagine a lifetime of this. It hurts and I don’t know where to turn to or what to do.
