On Self-Care
My birthday was last Sunday. I know many of you can relate to special occasions ending in disaster when dealing with active addiction. My husband and I don’t have a great track record for those kinds of things. Usually, he’d pick a fight to let himself off the hook for doing anything for me since he already felt whatever he did would be inadequate. Y’know, the typical self-defeating mindset of active addiction. My reaction was usually exactly what his addiction needed to justify the next use (which was going to happen regardless). If he could get an explosive reaction out of me, he could shift a bit of his self loathing on to me and use with a little less guilt. When I’d lapse in holding myself to a higher standard, it allowed him to feel better about the standard he was living in. Usually birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine’s, and other special occasions ended with me in a pity party (either due to a fight or an unrealistic and unmet expectation for someone in active addiction). Historically, I pinned the whole occasion on my husband. If he didn’t do what I thought he “should” than I couldn’t have a good day.
Anyway, the last two years he was in recovery for my birthday. No fights, no big celebrations either because he was still relatively new to recovery and putting in a ton of work and in a strict sober living program. I kept my expectations in check and only had a few moments of self-pity. However, he’s been back in active addiction for about the last 10 months. This year I had a wonderful birthday anyway!
I armed myself with gratitude and self-care, and it was amazing the difference! Money is super tight (nothing new), so I signed up for a bunch of birthday freebies ahead of time. I called my mom and asked her if she’d ride around in the car with me and the kiddos so I could cash in some freebies without dragging the kids in and out of stores. She did. I got a free fancy drink from Starbucks and a free Lancôme mascara from Ulta and a free treat from Dunkin’ Donuts. All the clerks wished me and happy birthday and I felt quite pampered, honestly. I had a free appetizer, entree, and dessert to cash in at a nice Italian restaurant, Provino’s, so I asked my dad if he’d come over and sit with the kids after I put them to bed so I could sit down and enjoy it. He doesn’t do presents, but was glad to do that for his acknowledgment of my big 3-0.
My husband worked a good bit of the day, but he did have the kids record a really sweet birthday video for me and he brought home some lovely flowers and a nice card, none of which would have happened if I had perpetuated my old behaviors. I asked him to come with me to Provino’s and he was glad to come along (though I would have gone all by myself if needed ;)). I didn’t react to any little thing that could have easily turned into a fight. I didn’t let it bother me that I could smell alcohol on his breath. Instead of resenting him for doing what you’d expect anyone in active addiction to do, I chose to be grateful that he took the time to choose a nice card and flowers (even if it wasn’t thought out before the day-of and it was en route to the beer isle). I chose to be grateful that he loves me the best he is capable in active addiction. I chose to be grateful that I met my emotional need of feeling special on my birthday. I chose to ask for help from my family so that I could care for myself a little easier. I chose to be grateful that I am slowly learning to ask for help. I chose to be grateful because my kids (2 and 3) sang happy birthday to me about 40 times. I chose to be grateful that God has shown me such a better way of life and that I am finally open minded and willing to put in the work. When I am willing to cultivate my relationship with God I can feel the love. In so many ways! He puts so many resources in my life for me to flourish (if I’ll only tap into them!). He paints beautiful sunsets for my enjoyment. He speaks love and truth to me every time I open his Word. He cares for me, but if I am stubborn in my self-pity, I can miss all of it.
The old me could have found (and focused on) so many reasons to feel sorry for myself. The me in recovery is so grateful that I even get a little choked up about it. Many of the birthday freebies I signed up for are good for a week around the actual birthday, so this week, I’ve gotten a free sandwich, coffee, burrito, nachos, and sub. It is such a treat! We do not have the funds to be able to even eat out at McDonald’s, so pampering myself with free, delicious food from some of my favorite places that I haven’t eaten in years has been a wonderful way for me to reinforce the idea that I am important too, and that my birthday is important (especially to me)!
I am so grateful to have broken the cycle of putting myself last. I am so grateful that I know I don’t have to have a pity party or be a martyr. I can find many ways to meet my needs. And when I do, I don’t feel devastated when my husband doesn’t meet them. I can love him much more fairly, exactly where he is, when I take care of me first. ️ If I depend on God and the endless list of resources (other than my husband) that he has given to me, whatever my husband can bring to the table is extra, and appreciated. If I depend on my husband, whatever he brings to the table tends to be found wanting and is resented. Our relationship is so much better when I let go of the expectation that he is my key to a good birthday/marriage/happiness in general.
(If anyone wants links to a list of all the places that give you birthday freebies, it’s heyitsfree.net)