Being blamed for everything. I give up

communication
#1

I’ve posted my story before and have been really struggling with how everything has played out. At this point, I’m not sure if my ex relapsed or is sober and still needs work.

Is it normal for them to blame you for everything? My ex recently blamed me for how things turned out and I’ve only asked for clarity and communication in the last few months that he’s been giving me the silent treatment. I’ve accepted that his refusal to communicate means it’s pretty much done, so I asked him to mail my belongings back. He blamed me for his behavior, lack of communication. I tried calling but he refuses to talk. He just won’t speak at all and seems hostile. I’m closing this chapter as I know I can’t change him or his behaviors and it hurts. We have a child who he is abandoning again, for the second time, and my son now wants nothing to do with him. It just all feels like too much and I’m so overwhelmed by all of it and now blaming myself and it’s just a dark place to be. I’m grateful for the support here and that of my family and therapist, who keep reminding me it’s not my fault. But I keep wondering, what if it is? He won’t talk since our fall out and I’ve practically begged him to talk and work it out, even if just as friends, for our sons sake but he just will not communicate. He just blames me by saying I pushed him and I’m the one who is being nasty. His behavior makes no sense after he was doing so well. I’m just confused and really really hurting. How can someone come back into our lives and suddenly leave with no care in the world and think they don’t owe the other person some kind of explanation.

#2

@Aria Honestly I’ve given up on wondering if anything is “normal.” There is no such thing as a normal recovery, a normal relationship, a normal marriage or family or lifestyle. I’ve learned this living with and supporting my husband through active addiction. All I know is what works for us, and what I know to be true and right in my heart. It sounds like you’re following your truth, as well. It doesn’t come easily but you’re making steps forward. Sometimes it feels like we’re standing still, stuck, alone, but with time you’ll be able to look back and see how far you’ve come, and continue to trust the process.

Agh, the what-ifs. They are the killers of peace. I suggest turning your what-if around and asking “What if it all works out?” instead. Because it can, and it will, if you trust that no matter the outcome, you’ll be okay.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling hurt. Just keep doing what you’re doing, one step at a time. :heart:

#6

Thank you @momentsandlight. Your words are so gentle and kind and uplifting! This community is amazing. It’s been a safe haven and a place of comfort during my time of darkness and hopelessness. Love and light to every single one you :heart:️

#4

If he gave you an explanation, would that make you feel better? I often feel like if I have all the answers and explanations and reasons, then I’ll feel like I have some sort of control over the situation - like I’ll finally have the clarity to move forward or know what to do next. But sometimes knowing it all doesn’t really change anything. Sometimes knowing it all brings even more questions.

Good for you for moving forward, reaching out to community and family and a therapist, working on yourself. I don’t see this as giving up. How are you doing today?

#5

Hi @Jacqui, you’re right, having an answer doesn’t change a thing.

I’m doing MUCH better today. Therapy has helped tremendously as well as support from family, friends, and communities like this one. It was the first time I’ve experienced something like this and the amount of love and support from every area means everything to me :heart:️

Unfortunately, it wasn’t the happy ending I hoped for but I’m working on myself and acceptance. No contact has been the outcome I chose, to allow myself and my child time to heal. Last conversation with my loved one, he was cold and hateful. Not sure how he could be holding onto so much anger months after our fall out but he is. He just seemed so angry, a side I’ve never seen - and this is him supposedly so sober. The situation became more extreme than it should have. My child is disappointed and has completely shut down. Getting to see this side of their father after having never known him, a decade later, is extremely painful. The broken promises, the false hope, the covert gaslighting and manipulation - it was all too much. My focus is on getting me and my child back to our normal world and safe space, and recovering from the rollercoaster of emotions we’ve experienced in the span of 4-5 months (beginning to end). It’s a lot. I wish my loved one well and really hope he gets better but I’ve come to realize too much damage has been done, letting go and moving on is best for my situation at least.

#7

@Aria, sorry for your pain, but yes they blame everyone but themselves for the situation they are in, but NEVER their own choices. My son blames me for his downfall because one night he physically assaulted my husband (his dad) and I called the police because he broke his nose , he got taken in. I didnt realize he had drugs in his pocket and was charged. I know it’s not my fault. He was using way before that incident, I just hadn’t realized it at the time. Hang in there as their personalities fluctuate from nasty and hateful to apologetic and ready to change then indifferent. I am learning it’s a process according to my son’s counselor.