Boyfriend went to rehab yesterday

#1

I dropped my boyfriend off at a substance abuse rehab facility yesterday morning and I’ve been having such anxiety ever since. He will be there for a month. I did hear from him last night but I’m sure he was detoxing because he did not go in there sober. I have not heard a thing from him today, but I see he’s been active on Facebook. I’m just really trying to not let my anxiety get the best of me and not sound selfish about it. But if anyone can provide me any sort of input, I would be so thankful. Anything to calm my nerves. I don’t know what to do.

#2

I’m in the same boat @Stephanie_Miron. My husband entered treatment on the 8th and while I thought I may feel hugely relieved that I knew where he was and he was safe, I found my anxiety sky-rocketing and now I’m just worrying about new things. I’ve tried to really listen to what I need in these days, rather than what I think I should be doing. To help with my anxiety, I’ve done a short meditation daily, cried (oh man, the tears. I think they had been bottled up for a decade), journaled- even just a few lines about what happened that day so I wasn’t ruminating on negative thoughts, exercised in whatever way feels right that day, taken naps, bought myself the comfiest pajamas I could find, used essential oils daily, and leaned on my support system (including the Village) quite a bit. Reaching out and letting people know I’m overwhelmed and why I’m struggling has been a huge help to me. For me it was important to remember that every day is different and every day something different might work to help me feel better, so I kept trying until something worked. And if nothing worked, I put on netflix and ordered take-out.

The conversations with my husband have been a lot about him, how he’s doing, what his days are like, what he’s eating, etc. I don’t think he asked me one question about how I was doing for the first week. I had a moment of feeling kind of pissed about that, but I realized that we both get to be selfish right now. I get to do whatever I can to take care of myself while he’s there and he gets to focus 100% on his treatment. I know it’s typical for people in treatment to need some time to process before reaching out to their loved ones. Try not to take it personally. I have to think they are doing everything they can to get by, just as we are. It is hard for the rest of life to go on around me when my world feels upside down, but that gets easier as time goes on too.

I hope more than anything during this time you can be gentle with yourself and let go of expectations from you or your boyfriend. I don’t know how to turn off the worry, I’m still worrying, but it can be managed if you’re doing all you can to take care of you.

Sending lots of love <3

#3

Update: it’s day 5. The only thing I know is that he was in detox on Thanksgiving. He still hasn’t reached out to me. Before he went in, he promised me that we were gonna be fine. I’m just starting to really freak out that this whole thing was a lie and it was just the drugs that made him say he loved me. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to try to talk to him if it’s going to mess with his recovery in any way.

#5

@Stephanie_Miron I feel you, my former partner didn’t reach out to me for 4 or 5 days when he went to inpatient treatment and I had a REALLY hard time staying calm. They usually do keep them pretty busy in treatment, they’re pretty much booked all day with a little downtime for reading and hanging out with each other.

Totally agree with @Tlee22, anything he does or doesn’t do is a reflection of his thoughts about himself and his own situation - it’s not a reflection of you, how worthy YOU are of love and safety, etc.

It’s so much easier for me to say now because my partner and I transitioned to just being friends and I’ve gone through the worst part of the breakup grieving process, but I do remember how incredibly anxious I felt when he was in treatment. But being on the other side of it now, I have a totally different perspective. I supported him in the best way I knew how.

What I can see NOW that I couldn’t see THEN is that I was really holding onto control over him and his recovery. I felt a sense of “he has to do x, y and z in his recovery in order for ME to feel safe and loved”. But that’s not how it works.

I’ve been learning to create my own sense of love and safety. I don’t need to control anyone else’s actions in order for me to know that I will always have my own back. I will always create a safe environment for myself. I will always uphold my boundaries. I will always love and support myself.

It’s been a really great journey. I have a lot more self-confidence now.

I don’t know if that helps where you are now, but know that you can have an amazing life, and it’s all up to you. It’s not up to him or what he does/doesn’t do.

#4

I can imagine how scary this must feel for you! My husband didn’t even remember the first few days of detox, so I hope it helps to remember that their brains are in an interesting place right now and the capacity to reach out just might not be there, but all of this is a reflection on what is happening with them and not anything to do with you. I hope that you find a way to use this time as an opportunity to find things that make yourself happy, that is one thing you can control in this situation and it can make all the difference!