I’m wondering how common it is to recover from a relationship that includes physical violence on my end. I kicked him out and now feel like the ending is a cheap shot excuse to not even try and I haven’t because I’ve been so busy. He is not my husband and we do not have kids together. It’s been such a struggle from the get go and only been 2.4 years. Is it worth it to try or just move on? I’m so conflicted and weepy. I need input from the CRAFTERS, not laymen.
Can a relationship recover from Physical Violence
@Chrissyctorres
In my opinion, there is no reason for someone to physically hurt another unless they are defending themselves. Period. You need to create your own boundaries in life as to what is acceptable behavior from others and what is not. You also need to determine what the action will be if those boundaries are crossed. This goes for anything in life.
Be true to yourself and don’t let anyone guilt you into thinking your boundaries are unreasonable. They are your boundaries. In some situations you need to communicate these boundaries so the other person has a clear understanding, but when it comes to violence it should be obvious and no explanation should be required. Abusers are manipulating and will say and do things to help them gain control. Add drug or alcohol use to that and it may be heightened. Don’t be a victim.
Best of luck,
Jewelrydiva70
Jacqui
#3
Hi @Chrissyctorres -
Thanks for sharing here and opening up. It takes a lot of courage to look inward and question what’s best moving forward. Be gentle with yourself right now.
From a CRAFT perspective, real change is possible, but it takes time, effort, and willingness—on both sides. A relationship that has included physical violence needs deep healing, accountability, and new patterns of behavior to become truly healthy.
No matter what, your well-being matters. What would a peaceful, fulfilling life look like for you? If staying means ongoing distress, it’s worth asking whether that’s the right path. Distancing yourself to focus on your mental health and well-being doesn’t mean you can’t still care about your loved one or that you’re giving up.
If you do stay in contact, reinforcing healthy communication and nonviolent conflict resolution is key. For example, responding positively when calm conversations happen but disengaging when things escalate.
This relationship doesn’t define you, and no matter what you decide, you deserve a life where you feel secure, respected, and at peace. You’re not alone in this. 
Have you considered signing up for one of our CRAFT programs to get more support?
Hi Jacqui,
Thank you for you comment. I sincerely appreciate it. I’m going to listen to the rest of Beyond Addiction and engage in one of the courses offered. I will not put hands on him again and continue putting my integrity in the toilet. I sincerely believe I’m capable of learning how to be in a relationship with someone in active addiction. There’s no harm in acquiring these skills not only for him, but also for relating with others. I’d like to know that I’ve exhausted all my resources before I throw in the towel. You never know!
A peaceful life would look similar to what I have now but with the ability to regulate my nervous system in any given situation. We live together and have separate rooms. I can stop engaging with him when I’m triggered, do my own thing, and just keep it simple by taking long walks, activating the parasympathetic state and creating neuroplasticity. Honestly, it’s been challenging since September as I started the process of buying a home, closing, moving cross county, and settling into my new life.
He has agreed to couples counseling to which I suggested individual for the time being. He is not working and does not have insurance to pay for counseling so I was going to look at Smart Recovery to see if any of the facilitators might know of clinicians that could assist him.
This platform has given me much to consider in the way of relating and becoming boundary rich and maintaining my sanity. It’s hard to realize that I have more work to do on myself and always easier to point the finger at him and his issues versus having a good look at myself.
Hi @Chrissyctorres - how are things going today? Any updates you’re open to sharing?
Do you mean he was physical violent with you, or you were physically violent with him? Just trying to understand better but either way, safety always comes first in a relationship so if either one of you feels unsafe that’s definitely something to address. Not really knowing the severity of the violence, that’s all I can really touch on that.
I can’t tell you if it will be worth it for you. But it was worth it for me. When my husband was in active addiction, I had a hard time finding other wives who stuck with their partners. A lot of them just ended up leaving and I was worried that was my fate, too. The CRAFT perspective definitely helped, especially just learning compassion and opening up to the idea that there’s not one way to recover. Celebrating small wins and progress was huge - being able to have perspective and see how much we had grown when things were starting to feel rough again. Also just shifting our conversations and taking a closer look at how I approached conversations and situations. Just moving from blame and yelling to "Hey, I’m really feeling overwhelmed and could use your help with this, " or “I’m feeling really triggered by these xyz behaviors and feeling scared. Can you help me understand better why xyz might be happening?”
It’s work for everyone, but what I’ve learned through all of this is that eventually at some point in our lives, we’re going to have to look at ourselves and put in the work. The self reflection and growth that came as a direct result of my husband’s addiction has changed who I am and how I treat others around me. It’s made me a better person, wife, mother, and friend. For me, it was worth it. 
Hello MomentSandLight,
He assaulted me at the beginning of the relationship. I had called the police but recanted because I didn’t want him to lose custody of his kids. But of course it didn’t sit well with me, he denied it and then while intoxicated his behavior was disrespectful, antagonistic, and provoking all while I was carrying him financially. (I know, my issue; I was so overinvolved bypassing my boundaries) I became physically violent in my ignorance and resentment, not aware of these programs which weren’t easy to find. Its been horrific to say the least. I was incarcerated for beating him with a very small travel toiletry bag after calling the police on him to let him know I was maxed out and his behavior needed to cease. That was an expensive lesson. There was never any redemption in any of it, but a complete loss of my integrity. When questioned by my family as to why he stays with me, his response was that he’s just as fucked up as me.
So I’m finally over the hump of buying a home in TX and leaving CA and able to catch my breath, walk the lake, and had talked to a CRAFT Counselor and we came up with a plan for me to listen to Beyond Addiction and engage in a course. He is open to counseling, couples or individual 1st, then couples.
It’s been pretty good, he has money from his divorce from the attorney that I paid for and it’s been nice, but he’s drinking more, not looking for a job, paid me back the money he owed sans $11K, but he is still helping his ex wife which I cannot wrap my head around. He tried to buy me ring and I think to myself WHY? I will never marry, at least not him, not now…he says he hates her but his actions say otherwise and he lies about it…anyways probably a mental masturbation and romanticizing of the past and ALCHOHOLISM. I guess I just focus on me and my recovery and let the pieces fall where they may.