My girlfriend of 1 year just went to rehab 10 days ago and will be in there for at least 30 more days plus 14 more days of sober living, she was communicating with me like normal in the beginning but randomly out of the blue I got a call saying she wanted to break up and focus on just recovery. She sounded a little robotic so I thought she might have been on meds or just be saying that cause it’s going to be awhile before she gets out. She called again a couple days later and told me she loved me but just needs to focus on recovery right now. She said she isn’t really sure what our future as a couple looks like once she gets out. She’s my world and I love her, I know that being sober is the number one priority but I really just want to be a part of that with her and to support her along the way. Has anyone else experienced this and what was the outcome when they come back into the world?
Dealing with relationship uncertainty in rehab?
Dear Mvollink,
you are a deeply caring person.
it rings true to me that your girl might want to cut out all old things from her world. She is fighting for her life.
It is right and justified, in my opinion, for her to circle her wagons around herself, and close down to the least
potentially disruptive set of People, places, things. Are you part of the prob? Solution? what’s her pov?
Real love endures and real communication is heard.
You will sort it out and I appreciate the concern in your writing tone. Hopefully you’ll be able to join the course and work on the YOU- part, because she is on the SHE part and it is really an important thing upon which to focus.
Good luck. It’s ok not to have clarity and answers. Things are Murky a lot of the time.
Dear Divine M-
I don’t know about you and it’s “different for everybody” One of my big learns has been that I have focused on others rather than myself. My desire to control the outcome had a lot to do with why my beloveds drank, smoked whatever. But guess what? I just loved them, I just didn’t know how to help them. It’s GREAT news that your person is in recovery and for a long “in” so you can use this time to learn some ways to help yourself, and maybe help her when she’s available.
Nevertheless, you’re with you for the long haul- and that’s worth a look.
Peace and hair grease-
Thinkstet
Hey thanks for the reply! I felt like I was very supportive of her in some of her darkest times and felt like I was a big part on encouraging her to seek out treatment. I know they want them to recreate a new life essentially, but I feel like I was a positive influence and would be very happy and supportive of her if this does work out in the end. I don’t want to be cut out because I love her to death and want to see her reach these milestones. I’m just trying to cope with the uncertainty of our relationship working again once she returns.
Breathe a lot and give yourself a llittle tlc.
I’m sorry it does hurt quite a bit and doesn’t stop after 28 days-
still we can celebrate every little step in the right direction, and over time string those together.
Keep us informed. Your questions are valid and indicate your affection. Sweet dreams.
Thank you so much just hopeful that once February 24th rolls around she will have a clearer mind and be sober and happy with me hopefully by her side also.
Yeah I’ve heard it can take a very long time which makes it hard not being able to see or talk to them hardly at all. It’s starting to make me feel hurt for my sake but I’m happy for hers. I’m just starting to realize it’s going to be a very long time before she comes back 
Please remember this is a really shitty disorder, and so you can’t count on it to honor days or dates or realize how much you gave for this relationship, or how much you love them, or how many other things you could have done.
Get a journal and write out your world. If you are like me, oh my slow brain, it cannot handle type speed- it has to be long hand in order for me to figure out what I mean. And I feel heard! Even if just by my own heart.
I been in the same position as you. It’s been over a year. My boyfriend in and out of rehab. But he always looks for me when he gets out. It’s a roller coaster. But she will look for you when she’s ready.
I sure hope you are right because I have hardly heard from her at all since she’s gone in there
Every time he’s in rehab he never reaches out until he gets out and relapses. I’m sure she cares and loves you but they go through so much in there that they have to concentrate on fixing themselves. I’m sure she doesn’t want to hurt you. She will look for you. I don’t hear from my boyfriend for 4 months. The when he came out he reached out. He always does. They also have strict rules.
This seems to be normal in recovery. I had the same thing and ice been with my partner for 15 years and have two Children with him!
I’m not sure what to advise you to be honest x it’s so tough on the people that think they are doing what is right for their partners but for them to then think about it that is hard to get over x
I wish you all the luck in the world and truly feel your pain. It’s early days for me still too since he has been back he said that he does want tot be with me but it is a hard thing for me to get over x
I am in the same position as you, down to him sounding robotic (that’s the exact way I described it to my friends). I don’t really have any advice, other than what everyone else is saying-use this time to focus on you. I am so hurt, but I keep telling myself that this is what he needs to do to be sober, and that’s more important than anything. I just wanted to comment because it helps to know we are not alone. Hang in there and take good care of yourself.
Thanks for the the reply. I’m just waiting for her to get out in like 2 months and wondering how everything in our relationship is going to shake out cause I’m not sure if we will be together. It’s the uncertainty and distance from her that’s causing all this pain.
My boyfriend is being sent to rehab for the 4 th time but this is the first time with me being with him we have been together a year i love him so much but this has been so hard watching him constantly drink being sic being sic blood shakes sweats see and hears things that are not there.sais horroble hurtfull things to me argue turns nasty when hes drunk but i know its not him its the drink…hes paronoid thinking im going cheat when iv said i want i only want him.and to be there through all this but im sttuggling so much im a mum of 4 and suffer from bad deppretion and having to cope with my bf too.im just wanting some.advice what ro do and exapect when he gets out ov rehab thanks
Thank you so much. That’s what I’m trying to do, I’m just obsessing about whether or not we will be together in 2 months which is uncertain up to this point .
Dear Nicola Louise,
You have your hands full with so many people to care for- yourself, four children, and a boyfriend! Wow. That is a lot to manage. You are in a good place here to get help from people who have experience with people who “aren’t themselves when they drink.” My son has a substance use disorder and when he falls out of remission his fears and shame keep him from looking at things head-on. I just finished doing the COURSE and I am understanding that when he is in relapse, this is when he needs more support from me, not less. Of course, it’s different for everyone, but that’s my experience.
Right now maybe you can focus on yourself and your children for a spell while he is in rehab and while he is figuring out things for himself and when he comes out of rehab then you can rebuild, day by day, and just stay in the present tense and let tomorrow take care of itself for a bit until you have more clarity about how he is addressing the world after rehab. Good luck. Be good to yourself, so you can be good to your children, and to your man- if that is how you choose to play it.