Detachment from a personal perspective. Did it work? Did it hurt? What was the outcome?

detachment
#1

Ok, so just like boundaries, I also am clueless about detachment. I hear the word often from my therapist, Al-Anon meetings, etc, and I grasp the general concept, but I am curious as to what my fellow villagers feel and know about detachment. I am in a romantic relationship with an alcoholic who is trying to begin his road to recovery (again). I have been advised to detach. I understand I need to practice self-care and work on myself during this time, but no one has been able to give me examples, or ideas of how to actually implement detachment.

If you wouldn’t mind, and you have the experience with detachment, can you tell me how it went for you? I feel detachment comes off as a negative term within a romantic relationship. For example, did your significant other sense you were changing something within yourself and feel hurt? I guess I am just looking for some concrete examples. I know what might have worked for you, may not work for me and it is not a one size fits all situation. Detachment as a word for some reason just carries such a negative connotation for me Thank you!

#2

You can find my thoughts and experience with detachment in this thread. I’ve learned that these types of terms that are thrown around a lot in recovery without a ton of context - detachment, enabling, slip, lapse, relapse, even the word recovery itself - can be dangerous when taken at face value. They mean different things to different people. I can see how “detachment” can be taken as negative when used to counter the idea of “connection,” but for me detachment is a positive thing because it doesn’t mean I’m disconnecting. It means I’m no longer being attached to unhealthy behaviors. Hope that helps. :pray::sparkles:

#3

@momentsandlight - thank you so much for responding to me. I guess I struggle with thinking that a long term romantic relationship is a connection. I look at us together as one, so maybe that’s where my head is a bit mixed up. If he continues on drinking and he doesn’t get help, I am not sure how to still remain in a loving and intimate relationship with him and just detach from his bad behavior. I feel like I need someone to give me an example of a specific situation that took place within their relationship and they utilized their detachment skills. That might help me :slight_smile:

#4

@Sarah detachment isn’t easy. :disappointed_relieved: detachment for me didn’t come until my (ex)bf went to long term rehab. He is currently in 60 day blackout period & honestly i am SO grateful. Grateful he is safe & in a place he can work on himself & his healing, away from his family, females & outside drama. And grateful that i can go on with my life without the constant worry & panic about what he’s doing. He asked me to write while he’s on blackout & he promised to call/write/contact me when the blackout time is over…but i detached from any expectation. Whatever will be, will be. Even if he does contact me, he’ll be sober & i don’t know that version of him. His family is so much chaos & drama i am also detaching from feeling the need to take care of them in his absence. For the 1st time, i get to just do MY thing, on my own, & i am enjoying it. A couple months ago i felt like my heart had been ripped out & chewed up & i hated the situation but couldn’t break free. This time I’m just letting go & letting life be what it is, one day at a time. Luckily, i do have No Contact for 2 months, so i suppose detaching is easier in this circumstance. I hope you find a way to focus on you, let go enough to be safe & find balance. We all do deserve that!

#5

I can relate to this. I believed that when my husband and I got married, we agreed to share a life. For me, learning to detach was realizing that we are two separate people with two separate lives. It was really hard for me to wrap my head around and maybe many people will disagree with me. All those vows and promises that said we’d be sharing the rest of our life together. But now I see us more as sharing the same path. I am my own person, with my own life and feelings and choices and actions, and I can only control myself, and I need to take care of myself. That doesn’t mean I can’t/don’t care for him or help him. I kind of see it as each of us tending to our own lights and shining that light for each other on the path we share.

It’s hard for me to think of a specific example of detaching … it’s more of a way of living each day by detaching from expectations and unhealthy behaviors. I guess the most extreme would be my decision to physically detach. When I couldn’t take the cycle of lies and hurt any longer, I removed myself from the situation and left town for a little bit. I had to detach from any possible outcomes because I had no idea what was going to happen when I came back home. I just had to hold on to that limit and know that I would not let myself live in the lies and hurt forever. If we had to take a longer break for him to get healthy, so be it. Fortunately, he got clean while I was gone, and when I came home his recovery only got stronger. I know some people may think that leaving someone in active addiction is cruel or unloving and not helpful to his recovery, but it was really the best decision for me and our marriage at that time.

I hope that helps. I know, it’s really tough and detachment looks different for everyone. It’s a lot of work - for me, Al-Anon and therapy helped.