My long distance girlfriend of 9 months started acting cold and distant a week or two before new years. I’ve tried to plan for a night for us to sit down and video chat and watch a movie to spend time with her. She said yes but said she needs to charge her phone then 4 hrs went by and I told her I get real anxious when I dont hear from her for awhile and asked her to text me if she feel asleep or is about to go to a meeting.she left me on read until 9 am the next day and said she needs to pump the brakes with me and that she needs to focus on her recovery. I told her I can wait and ill be here when shes ready. For context shes been in a oxford house for 4 months and going to meetings and sometimes she pays the rent sometimes i help her. When we started dating everything was okay then she got arrested in august and I helped bail her out twice.the second time I bailed her out of jail she started going to meetings and looking for sober living homes and a friend of hers offered her to start a house in another state and she took the offer. I paid for the bus ticket and the move in fee. It was bumpy but we was making it work. I managed to see her twice since shes been there. Then she sent the text saying she needs to focus on her recovery. She’s very important to me and she is the love of my life , not going to lie I am mad that I cant really talk to her or see her for what i assume is a year atleast but I do understand she can use again and that would kill her so im going to try and respect that.but last night I texted her to see if its okay I call her every holiday and still send her flowers for valentines day and her birthday present. She said its okay to do that. Then she called this morning after I told her that I can help pay her lawyer but will need time to catch up on bills , we talked for a few minutes and I can tell something is wrong but didnt try to pry , but she did mention shes been out of work for a week and I asked her what happend and she said she dosent want to talk about it and said shes got to wash dishes and I said okay and hanged up. I really dont want to lose her but fell like ive done something wrong and is there any way we can save the relationship. Is it to much to call her once a month to catch up and see how shes doing or should I go no contact. She hasn’t really said to go no contact , but I dont know. Also how do I deal the fact I cant see the love of my life anymore till she get in a better mindspace?
Did I do something wrong and is it possible to save our relationship
These are my ideas from my experience and reading etc. I am not an expert on you or your loved one. Please, understand I can only share from my life.
In my humble opinion : the only thing you did “wrong” is being a totally great supportive partner to someone who couldn’t accept your goodness for reasons of her own.
She does need to make her #1 priority to her recovery. You have to be at the best secondary.
If you try some recovery too, You both will grow and have at least the basis for a relationship.
She may be in a shame spiral.
She may see that the old way you related wont work anymore, so paying her bills may be the problem.
Being mad is good. You have been wronged.
She needs you to be real. She knows.
Try going to an open AA meeting and listen to the members. Let the person running the meeting know you are there to learn about the disease rather than as an alcoholic. You will get more insight there than I could ever give you. Closed meetings are only for Alcoholics.
Try an Al-Anon or Narcanon meeting. They are for you. Nothing is better than when you find your group, when everyone in the room nods when you tell your story or a light goes on in your head hearing another person’s story. Meeting are all over the planet.
In the long run, your happiness is your job.
Thank you newonz , ill will find some meetings and start my own recovery. But how do I be her second priority?