Divorce - Not going back: for those who have left their addicted loved ones, how did you let go of thoughts about giving them another try?

self-care
divorce
#1

My husband is spiraling down, down, down after he moved out in April and divorce proceedings have begun. For a bit in the beginning (through June), we had been trying to work on things, however it turns out he is also addiction to pornography and has been using paid subscriptions to dating websites to attract women for their “likes”. Needless to say, the divorce is moving forward now, but I have these days where I am wavering in the “Should I give him another try? Do we just need more marriage therapy? etc.” when I know full well, that he has not even begun recovery again, he has been treating me terribly, and its not going to work unless he resolves some of his own issues.

I guess my question is, for those who have left their addicted loved ones, how did you let go of these thoughts?

#2

I reminded myself of how much I put up with , how much I endured ,tried and how many chances he had to let me down . At some point , I have to put my own well being and mental clarity first . So that’s what I did . No one holds a gun to the addicts head. It’s their own free will . Their own fee will to lie,cheat and all the other bs that comes with having to endure being in love with an addict . I also realized that love and care was all I had left for him … a relationship needs more . It needs a stable foundation of trust and respect or the bottom will fall out . I also feel like since our love ones aren’t going to look out for our mental, physical and emotional well being - it’s up to us to rid our lives of toxicity. At the point of which that little voice says “I can’t do this anymore “ - listen to it .its there for a reason . some people stay in toxic marriages for all the wrong reasons - commitments and obligations mean nothing if the other person isn’t willing to do their part . . It’s telling you that you deserve better . While he puts his addiction first , I recommend you putting yourself first to the highest priority. It’s not our place to fix them . As much as we want to . As much as we want to turn them back into the spouse who once did all the right things to make u fall so head over heels in love with … the anger and resentment builds with time . While some relationships can mend and heal after an occasional slip up or recovery period … everyone one is different but in my experience it’s best to look at their history … what your missing is the bond and memory of the potential of what they can become vs who they actually are today . You know they have the potential to be this great ,wonderful person that you can bond and connect with mentally,physically and emotionally but the double life and experiences you’ve faced in this relationship have left wounds that aren’t able to be healed . In order to let go of the “what if’s” you have to break the bond of emotional attachment by loving yourself in every way that he didn’t … say spas,girl time,take a trip,journal , yoga/meditate or anything that gives you joy . The relationship has taken enough from your well being . You simply have too much time on your hands if you’re thinking of him :). Make a bucket list and break free of anyone who only brings you down . You’ve gotten through the worst of it . always remember this quote by mya Angelou “you’re stronger then you think , and you’re not alone “. I will keep your situation in my prayers with positive vibrations:).

#3

Wow! I feel this so much. I do still deeply love him, after all love doesn’t just dissipate. I believe once we truly love someone, we will carry them in our hearts in some capacity. And I agree, a relationship needs more than love and care. You are right, I am missing the bond and the memories of who he once was. I do believe that that person is still in there, somewhere. I just wonder if he will ever come back. I would still love to be married to who he once was.

Ugh I wish I had time on my hands, but the biggest reminder of him is my 20 month son who keeps me more than busy! However, I am working on doing the things I love. I am getting back into old hobbies and activities that bring me joy. I know I am getting stronger and more confident. I just cant let go of these dreams right now :frowning:

#4

Monday’s (Tuesday this week because of the long weekend) are def the hardest for me. My son is back in daycare and I am alone working. My mind obsesses about the impending divorce and wondering if I have tried everything in my power before coming to the last resort. Ugh!

#5

Sending love (albeit a bit delayed @Awlee090).

You mentioned above wanting to get back to who he was/is. This resonated with me because when my husband was struggling with addiction I could see beneath it who he really was and that he was in pain, and I think that may have been what you’re getting at. One thing I was told that I thought was a helpful reframe for me, in case it’s similarly helpful for you, was that I needed to create a new relationship with this person. It could be built off of the core elements I knew to be true of him, but it was never going to go back to the way things were. Focusing on creating something new was quite helpful for me at the time, and honestly still is. Because relationships aren’t perfect, and we are always both changing and so to me it seems like the most realistic approach I could have with him.

Also, I sent you a direct message about our next Group Course cycle starting next week. It certainly might be worth a try. We’ve had people start it who had 0 communication with their loved one and come out at the end with their relationship completely transformed. That’s not to say that staying together should or has to be the goal, but our science-backed skills and support have been shown to help people like you, making it a whole lot easier to deal with a loved one in addiction.