Hi all, it has truly been a while since I have logged on and I am reaching out now because I should have just kept this blog handy throughout my relationship.
I divorced my husband last August after 8 years together (2 married). My ex is a heroin and opioid addict with alcohol addiction as well. By the time the decision came to file for divorce though, he had been clean for 3 years. We had separated, gone through counseling, got back together, and then I was the one to end it, realizing that the years of lying, abusing drugs and alcohol, and infidelity were just too much to forget and move forward from. I also did my own fair share of things at the end of my relationship.
Since the divorce, we tried yet another couples counseling post-divorce (which is amazing that we could do that!), however, I have since ended that as well due to the massive amount of anxiety I get around remembering everything bad that had happened. My ex kept stating that all of what had happened was years ago and that I shouldn’t keep holding it over his head. He does understand the trauma that I went through with him and my own healing I have had to do on my own.
Where I am struggling is this: My ex was my best friend. We had way more good times than we did bad. I married him for numerous reasons. I lost myself in trying to fix him and get him out of his addiction and thats what ultimately led me to choosing divorce. Instead of being able to work through what I needed in the marriage, I chose “the easy way out.” Now I am struggling with if that was the right decision? I am terrified of a future where he may relapse again, but I am more afraid of a future without him. I understand that I have patterns of thriving in chaos, yet I know myself more now than I ever have and believe I could do a relationship with him again without losing myself to his addiction.
I know I deserve peace and a relationship where I don’t have anxiety. Part of me feels like a failure, that I helped get him to where he is today and now I can’t enjoy how far he, and I, have come. Do I just let him go forever? How does anyone let go of the fear of a future relapse? How do you build a life with someone, a family, when there is a potential that that life comes crashing down around you due to addiction? I miss my partner more than anything, even after almost a year, and feel like I made a mistake by letting him go.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Divorced for a year and missing my spouse- Was I right to divorce?
I don’t think you have to let him go forever and I don’t think there is an “easy way” for any relationship, addiction or not.
The fear doesn’t completely go away. My husband is in recovery and continues to have slips, even when things seem to be going well. Every time, I wonder how I can keep doing this. I’ve had to learn how to trust that things will be okay, that we’ve gotten through some really hard things and we have gotten stronger, more resilient. Everyone has issues and life can come crashing down with any issue. Addiction is our family’s struggle and I dont know if it will be the thing that breaks us up one day but I don’t think about that. I just think about how we’re doing now, and right now we’re okay.
I’m glad you’re back in this space @jlynnmarch. Do you still keep in close contact with your ex?
My ex and I are no contact out of respect for that fact that we still love each other but can’t be together right now. Past events, broken trust, infidelity have led to a massive amount of anxiety around the idea of being back with him, as much as he has been in recovery for three years and is actively participating in his recovery through meetings and therapy. I did this for 8 years and feel like a failure because I did not keep up my end of therapy for myself through his addiction. Now here we are, divorced, and still wanting to be with each other, but fear keeps me away. I am in the process of figuring out what I want in my life and if I am willing to accept that amount of anxiety back in. For context, I am a first responder and struggle a lot with the fear of getting “that call” on him as well.