Does this get any better? Am I stupid for thinking it will?

self-care
#1

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 months. I’m sure this story sounds familiar to others as well. We had an instant connection, so intense. More than I’ve ever experienced before. There are so many similarities in us and I know we could have an amazing life together. The trouble is he’s an addict. Crack is his drug of choice. He’s been very open about his past and struggle. He has a great deal of emotional baggage from the past. He’s in recovery, however, relapsed multiple times over the years. Recently he slipped about a month ago and I think he went back out last night. He’s not responding to me so I’m pretty sure he’s in run mode. Both times it’s happened after a fight over something seemingly small. He has trust and abandonment issues and get scared often. Calling it “getting in his head.” He says I’ll eventually leave him. Usually we can work through it however I find that I’m constantly convincing him of my feelings and that I’m not going anywhere. Very quick mood swings. Big temper at times. I’m on eggshells often. It’s so strange. We go from planning a life and future together to him snapping and saying he’s done with us. All in the same day or even hours apart. I think it stems from his fear and addiction history. I know when he’s upset he craves the drug so he can forget and mask his feelings even if it’s temporary.

I really don’t know what to do. This is all new to me and I don’t know how likely this will change. He has so much good in him. I see all of those qualities. I tend to see the good in people and overlook the bad. I’m also fiercely loyal. Am I stupid for thinking this could change? That the emotional roller coaster cycle will lessen over time? He’ll stop running? I don’t want to give up on him like everyone else has but I also have a 16 year old daughter to consider too. If it was just me I could handle more. She has never witnessed any of this first hand and does not know about the addiction but has seen me upset when he’s run twice in the past. I know she’s concerned that my relationship moved too fast with him.

Any advice would be much appreciated. I’m so out of my depth here.

#2

You are definitely not stupid for being hopeful. Caring for someone in active addiction can be a emotional roller coaster. I’d recommend the course offered through “we the village” as its been really helpful for myself. It sounds like he has been honest and open about how and why he responds to things the way he does. Crack being a highly addictive substance when you say he’s relapsed what does that mean? He’s used, using daily or occasionally? He’s been in recovery with multiple relapses you said. Does he do anything for additional support to support recovery? Ive been in my relationship for 13 years and still experience a lot of what your describing and my loved one is still very much in active addiction. @momentsandlight @Jane any advice?

#4

Thanks @Lovematters
Couple more responses here: Do I let him go? Will this ever get better?

<3 Sending love @Niferlynne how are you getting on?

#3

Personally, I would protect my daughter by staying out of a relationship with someone in active addiction. If it was a marriage then I can see fighting for the relationship. However, a 3 month relationship does not seem worth it, especially when you say how volatile he is.

#5

Anything is possible. The question I want you to ask yourself is…is it worth a possibility. That’s alot sacrifice on your part and alot of dealing with his demons. The hard part is some of those demons have been his only companion for some time. Dont give up but don’t break yourself trying to build him up. Its gotta be the both of you. Ask my Husband hes been dealing with me for 8yrs and has a disease that requires up until now a consistent pain regimen. Hes in treatment and I don’t know how but we learned from each other through all the mess. For me its been worth but we all have to roll the dice. Listen to your instincts and hold your ground.

#6

I truly believe there’s always hope. I’ve been in love with an alcoholic for quite a few years. We’ve had our moments of pure hell and moments of absolute bliss and love. There are definitely times I’m not sure it will work and at any moment things can crash. But now I realize that just because he crashes, doesn’t mean I have to. I’m planning on taking the course after the holidays . I know I still have so much to learn. I still struggle with deciding what to do in certain situations. And in my case there are always situations that arise. My S/O has always been in and out of recovery for around 10 years. He’s been in rehab three times this year. Which honestly for 2020 he’s been sober way longer than drunk so it’s been progress. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it though.

What’s worked for us is the fact that we both want to better ourselves. Honestly in some ways due to our own individual recovery programs, we are extremely good at communicating. When we are both sober and working on ourselves, we have a very strong relationship. So if we could just iron out that damn alcoholism we’d be amazing!

I guess what I’m saying is I really believe there’s always hope. I’m still not ready to give up on my loved one. But I’m also not promising I’ll always be able to stick around when he’s in active addiction. Sometimes it’s just heartbreaking. Sometimes you just need a break from the insanity. But you have to decide what will work for you and in each situation your well-being should always come first. Also, it takes two in a relationship. How is he feeling about his recovery right now? Have you talked to him about his plans? How are you feeling right now? What have you been doing for yourself? It’s a tough journey that frankly never ends. But it can get better. And at times it can be so worth it. You are not crazy. You love a human and that human happens to suffer from a disease.