Long story short - dated my bf for several months in 2019 until he broke things off rather abruptly. He came back in 2021 and told me he broke things off because everything was perfect and it scared him and he didn’t think he was very good at intimate relationships. I had no knowledge then of him using drugs - he was a front-line physician and was just coming off all the issues with COVID-19. For the next 8 months he was attentive and loving. He quit his job to work in his family’s medical practice. Over the last 2 months he began having problems performing sexually and began using crack cocaine. What seemed like something very casual at first (snorting cocaine in a social/party setting) quickly developed into something that made me very uncomfortable. I asked him several times if he every had problems with drugs and he denied it. While I would sometimes party with him, I was not someone who cared to have it around and began getting vocal about my concern with his use - my desire to have him not use it when we were together and other personality changes I began seeing. He begged to see me in person - asked me to give the relationship more time - told me he felt bad about not being able to perform sexually - adamantly denied having a drug problem and then 2 weeks later when I found out he was buying large quantities he told me he was done with the relationship and insulted and humiliated me by telling mutual acquaintances that I was wanted sex all the time and it turned him off (as if he thought I told people about his problems). I asked him by text to please not talk about our relationship with people we had in common but it continued. I tried to keep things positive and keep the lines of communication open for him in a non-judgmental way. I sent him a loving text telling him I would be here when he wanted to talk. He blocked me on his phone. Since then I found out he spiraled out on crack - and began using escorts going as far as to offer to purchase one for a mutual acquaintance who finally told me what happened to him. I was told he was using escorts while he was with me. This is all hard to accept and I’ve left him several voice messages expressing my need to know if this is true and also trying to get this to a better place that isn’t so confusing. I feel like he hates me because I remind him of his failures. I also found out that when he left rehab he did not have his dealer blocked and sent him a warm text wishing him the best and letting him know he couldn’t talk to him anymore. I gave my BF several weeks to respond to my requests on the timing of the hookers - texting him from my work phone that wasn’t blocked. No response. Finally, I reached out to his brother who runs the family practice to let him know what was up with his brother. I’m not sure if he told his family he was in rehab but felt his brother needed to know to protect his business and his brother. My BF (or ex I suppose) refuses to acknowledge me, won’t respond and yet I see he opened a new private FB account and continues to post pictures (although I have not reached out to him on any social media). I feel heartsick. Why would he be so quick to cut me out of his life when I feel like I was the one person who was trying to persuade him to be truthful and stop using drugs? It feels wrong to let this all go in such a broken state because it seemed clear we cared about each other and yet finding this stuff out makes me question everything that happened previously. I keep trying not to hate him yet I’m exhausted and hurt from being cut out of his life in the course of 24 hours and belittled and humiliated by him. I don’t know how to get peace with this and keep wondering if I could have done something different. I feel like he’s ashamed and his hiding out is proportional to his shame around what he did. I want him to know I care but I also feel weak admitting I still think about him and still carry hurt. I just need advice.
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