Don't understand how to interpret his behavior and come to terms with my feelings

cocaine

#1

Long story short - dated my bf for several months in 2019 until he broke things off rather abruptly. He came back in 2021 and told me he broke things off because everything was perfect and it scared him and he didn’t think he was very good at intimate relationships. I had no knowledge then of him using drugs - he was a front-line physician and was just coming off all the issues with COVID-19. For the next 8 months he was attentive and loving. He quit his job to work in his family’s medical practice. Over the last 2 months he began having problems performing sexually and began using crack cocaine. What seemed like something very casual at first (snorting cocaine in a social/party setting) quickly developed into something that made me very uncomfortable. I asked him several times if he every had problems with drugs and he denied it. While I would sometimes party with him, I was not someone who cared to have it around and began getting vocal about my concern with his use - my desire to have him not use it when we were together and other personality changes I began seeing. He begged to see me in person - asked me to give the relationship more time - told me he felt bad about not being able to perform sexually - adamantly denied having a drug problem and then 2 weeks later when I found out he was buying large quantities he told me he was done with the relationship and insulted and humiliated me by telling mutual acquaintances that I was wanted sex all the time and it turned him off (as if he thought I told people about his problems). I asked him by text to please not talk about our relationship with people we had in common but it continued. I tried to keep things positive and keep the lines of communication open for him in a non-judgmental way. I sent him a loving text telling him I would be here when he wanted to talk. He blocked me on his phone. Since then I found out he spiraled out on crack - and began using escorts going as far as to offer to purchase one for a mutual acquaintance who finally told me what happened to him. I was told he was using escorts while he was with me. This is all hard to accept and I’ve left him several voice messages expressing my need to know if this is true and also trying to get this to a better place that isn’t so confusing. I feel like he hates me because I remind him of his failures. I also found out that when he left rehab he did not have his dealer blocked and sent him a warm text wishing him the best and letting him know he couldn’t talk to him anymore. I gave my BF several weeks to respond to my requests on the timing of the hookers - texting him from my work phone that wasn’t blocked. No response. Finally, I reached out to his brother who runs the family practice to let him know what was up with his brother. I’m not sure if he told his family he was in rehab but felt his brother needed to know to protect his business and his brother. My BF (or ex I suppose) refuses to acknowledge me, won’t respond and yet I see he opened a new private FB account and continues to post pictures (although I have not reached out to him on any social media). I feel heartsick. Why would he be so quick to cut me out of his life when I feel like I was the one person who was trying to persuade him to be truthful and stop using drugs? It feels wrong to let this all go in such a broken state because it seemed clear we cared about each other and yet finding this stuff out makes me question everything that happened previously. I keep trying not to hate him yet I’m exhausted and hurt from being cut out of his life in the course of 24 hours and belittled and humiliated by him. I don’t know how to get peace with this and keep wondering if I could have done something different. I feel like he’s ashamed and his hiding out is proportional to his shame around what he did. I want him to know I care but I also feel weak admitting I still think about him and still carry hurt. I just need advice.

Suggested use -
What emotions are you experiencing?
How are you taking care of yourself?


#2

Your boyfriend may also be a sex addict. Cocaine and sex addictions are common as paired addictions. My boyfriend is an alcoholic, crack addict and sex & porn addict. You may be right about him hiding out because of shame. There is not anything you can do if he does not want to face himself and his addictions. If you pray, pray for him. During this time focus on taking care of yourself.
When my boyfriend was active in his addiction and I stopped talking to him I told myself, when he gets sober he’s going to need a really strong partner with confidence and solid boundaries, and so I started working on myself to be that— and I knew that I needed that strength for myself — whether I stayed with him or moved on to another relationship.
There is a fellowship called Infidelity Survivors Anonymous that helps partners deal with the betrayal trauma (a form of PTSD) that comes with being a partner or the former partner of someone who has committed sexual infidelity. I have learned tools for self care and have received so much needed support there.
The website is http://isurvivors.org


#3

Hi @Ann2 - thank you for sharing here. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.

One thing I’ve learned from living with my husband in active addiction is that he becomes a different person when he’s using. He has done things that I never would’ve thought he could have done, has lied and hurt me. I’ve had to learn how to separate who he is from the addiction, because the drug literally hijacked his brain. If you’d like to better understand your loved one’s behaviors, I would suggest learning as much as you can about addiction and his drug of choice, and how it affects his brain and behaviors when he’s on it as well as when he gets off it.

Another thing I’ve learned that in order for me to be in a healthy relationship with my husband, I had to look inward and create a healthy relationship with myself. That helped me to find peace within whether he was using or not, whether he was in a good mood or not. I took care of myself by going to therapy, finding communities and spaces that brought me joy, and beginning my own recovery. I continue to go to Al-Anon meetings even now that my husband is clean, and by taking care of myself I’m better able to respond in healthier ways and support his recovery. What’s something you can do to take care of yourself?

Thanks for reaching out here. You’re not alone, and just speaking your story and your truth is a big step in releasing shame and moving forward. Sending you love. :heart:


#4

Hi Ann, I’m sorry you are going through this but you’re not alone. The Al Anon meetings really do help. I am going through something similar in the sense my boyfriend cut off alll contact with me abruptly too. It hurts like heck. I turned here to find answers as to why or even how someone can tell you they love you and suddenly shut you out. I’ve learned through Al Anon that you didn’t cause if, can’t change it, and can’t cure it, this is something your bf has to do on his own. Trusting the process and reminding myself that this too shall pass and when he’s ready to talk he will has helped me find healing. I’m only a month in and my bf or well now ex I guess is still stonewalling me. Find time to take care of yourself, you deserve love and gentleness and healing. Do something good for yourself today and every day. I hope your bf gets help soon. Big hugs.


#5

@Aria Al-Anon has become such a big part of how I live my life, even now that my husband is clean. I’m glad to hear you’ve been finding it helpful, as well!


#6

@momentsandlight Yes, Al Anon has been so helpful. I believe you might have recommended it in your reply to my post, not sure, but it has been a life saver. I think knowing that I’m not alone in this helps because you really do feel alone and isolated and shattered. I see now that refusing to communicate is a bit common with addiction so I learned not to take it personal now. Still hurts and I still breakdown and cry every day but those breakdowns are getting shorter and less each day. I’m looking for a sponsor in Al Anon so I can really start putting in the work and steps, fingers crossed I find one.


#7

@Aria I really enjoy the daily readers, especially Courage to Change. Good luck finding a sponsor!