Ended relationship because of failure to respect boundaries - anyone had a similar situation?

methadone
self-care
boundaries
#1

So, I was in almost a year long relationship with a recovering addict. He was in treatment at a methadone clinic but was taking benzos and drinking when we first me and drinking throughout our relationship. Even though he got a DUI, another charge during a separate incident, and numerous other negative consequences, he continued to drink and continued to deny that it was having any effect on me or our relationship. He repeatedly failed to respect my boundaries of not drinking at my place, not buying him liquor, and made me feel manipulated and pressured when I tried to enforce these boundaries in the past.

I ended the relationship because of his failure to respect boundaries.

This is extremely hard for me because I care for him deeply but I had a moment of clarity when he was being so defensive and argumentative and asking for me $3 for liquor another time. He doesn’t think I’m being serious and I had to block his number because we cannot communicate at this time because he doesn’t accept that his alcohol consumption was affected me in this way and he was being very mean to me and saying things like I never loved him and I broke him and such. This is extremely hurtful for me to hear and I have been experiencing physical body aches and pains from stress for over a week. He smashed an iPhone last night and then causally emailed me today wishing me well. I tried to tell him I wanted to end things cordially so that I could be supportive and be there for him if he needed a friend but he did not take that well. I told him that he needs to be actively seeking sobriety if he wants a romantic relationship with me and he says not unless me and all my friends are doing the same, and he completely fails to take into account all of the different circumstances. I am so exhausted and confused and hurt but also grateful for all the ways this grew me and everything I learned and I am so humbled and I’m so blessed to have been led to 12 step recovery language by a recovering addict and I have been praying for him and I just want him to take care of himself. Because I am taking care of myself. Even though it is really hard. Thanks for the support :heart:️

#2

Thanks for sharing what’s going on @shea. I can imagine it feels hard, and want to applaud you for taking care of you. Wondering if @Fraser or @Mona might have something to contribute here?!

#3

You are worth the hard work. When my husband was in active addiction, I literally had to tell myself, “I need to love myself.” Because I had forgotten how, or maybe never even learned how, and it made me feel really lost. I’m glad you have found support through Al-Anon and this community. I’ve learned through Al-Anon to trust the universe - even if it doesn’t give me the outcomes I think I wanted, it will all be okay. :pray: :sparkles:

#4

I have been there where you stand. but my man was an active addict , he wanted to push me away as far as he could saying that he is no good for me. I did every possible thing to keep our relation but one last conversation changed it all. He said he was cheating on me and sleeping with others and asked me if i need a proof he could send me some photos of him sleeping with other women . He even went to the extent of saying that he doesn’t love me and never did , it is only his disturbed mind that felt any feeling for me’. Only at this moment i realized that I was only wasting my life over someone that doesn’t actually love or care about me. and at that very moment i decided to leave. believe me i could have stayed to the end and do what ever it takes if he really loved me. i am not telling you to end the relation but take a moment to think of a very important person , which is you … . a woman who suffered a lot and deserve to be taken care of . I do not feel guilty , if he needs me he will find my support , but only my support not my heart, it is over a month now since last time we talked and i am better and more stable and above all deeply believe that i deserve the best .
It is your call @shea take your time to think but believe that you deserve love and respect .

#5

Thank you for your experience. I am feeling good about my decision and we have not talked. He has been emailed me but I wasn’t emailing back and I finally sent him another message once again asking him to respectfully leave me alone. I am really praying for him, but I see now that things are not going to change unless his behavior changes and he has shown me no indication of that. I believed the best in him for a long time and but now I am committed to seeing and believing and the best in me and I refuse to compromise on myself any longer. I hope he reaches out for support in the future and I hope he can have a happy, healthy long life. To me it became so clear that his ingrained addictive behaviors are more prevalent than he admits and he is able to justify and defend any action and dismiss and deflect any perceived wrong or criticism. I hope he understands. I miss him so much, but I miss myself more. Thank you for the reassurance to be and love and take care of myself.

#6

@shea thanks for opening up about this <3

How are you doing today? It is so important to take care of ourselves first, but I know what you mean about loving them so deeply. I’ve found that sometimes when I need to take a break from their pain it has helped to ask someone else to step up their support, is there anyone who could do that for him?

I thought these posts and toolkits might be useful to you:

Let me know if either of those are useful :slight_smile: if they resonate with you or if you have a different way of thinking about these that you can share with the community members here.

Sending love <3

#7

I am doing okay. His family has stepped up to support him and he has been getting rides to the clinic from his moms bf. I have had to block his number and his email because I have asked him not to contact me at this time but he won’t listen. He has tried all kinds of ways to get me back, making me guilty, saying all sorts of nasty things, but yet he stills loves me and blah blah the same promises he has always said but never followed through on. I feel so alone and so torn because he is trying to get me back so badly but I know it is not what is best. But Im so lonely and it is so hard to turn down the seeming commitment. I feel so betrayed because it seems like everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. I am so disappointed in myself and him.