I know how you feel. You described me and my situation exactly to the detail. It is sick how similar all our stories are.
Husband of 8 years went to rehab mid February, talks of me and our 3 years old every day. We make plants for him coming out and 2 days before getting out he tells me he no longer wants to come home. I go get him anyway mid march and he acts weird. It feels like he hates me. Doesn’t hug me, kiss me, look at me. Doesn’t even want to hold my hand. If I walked towards him he would made step away.
So after a week being home I asked him if he fell in love cause I knew something was up. He said no after about 30 seconds. So I knew. He would go to aa meetings but it would take him about an hour to get home after the meeting was over . So I knew he was talking to someone. Mind you he’s sleeping on the sofa in the living room.
At that point I went through this rehab binder and found love notes: to my future husband. I got into his smart watch while charging at night next to me in the nightstand and found that he called the rehab (girl was still there, she got there the last week he was there so they only shared a week!!!) and texted other rehab friends how he hates me and hates being with me. His rehab friends called me ex wife. These so called friends were asking about this girl. He tells them how he talks to her daily and wants to move in with her when she gets out and how they’ll destroy bedrooms. Again, this girl got into rehab for his last week there. They shared a week in a rehab and leaves me and our 3 years old for fucking week of connection. And the thing that other “patients” knew about their “relationship” is crazy. I’d this was a good rehab, they would have stopped it.
After I approached him about knowing about the messages, he kept denying it. What an idiot. I gave him last chance to get into couples counseling and to rebuild what we have but he told me I made him drunk, and he hasn’t loved me for the last 7 years ( together for 9).
After he left I even called the rehab. 3 employees talked to me. 2 were super apologetic and told me that’s not what they approve of and one, a manager told me that they can’t stop any bonding and intimate relations. I’m like are you serious. So you’re so right: because of them being like this, almost neglectful, my daughter lost her father and I lost my husband.
It’s been about 7 weeks since he left. Im better now. Not a lot but little better than 7 weeks ago. It is extremely hurtful what these treatments do. I regret, as you do, sending him to rehab. He drove drunk with our daughter before rehab and that was the last straw for me. I told him it’s either rehab or you’re homeless.
Any way, I wanted to let you know they’re not alone. I’m educating myself and going to Al-anons and I have counseling once a week. But it’s still hard. For me it’s the feeling how can someone in 28 days can become to hate me so much that he can’t stand me. He doesn’t even care to visit his daughter. At the beginning he was texting: how are my girls. And I shut it down cause I didn’t think it was appropriate. He is just selfish, self-centered, dry alcoholic who used to be a great and sweet sober guy, but mean drunk. Rehab turned into mean dry alcoholic.
Both me and you are better without them. But that doesn’t mean that the loss won’t or doesn’t hurt. It hurts so much because we stood by them and supported them and would have given them so much. But it feels like once they don’t drink anymore they have no conscience and just leave.
I’m trying to remember: how can they love us if they don’t love themselves since they’re drinking so much.
Hope you’re doing ok by now. Let me know.