Has anyone experienced possible cheating in rehab?

rehab
infidelity
#21

I’m sorry you’re hurting @Lara. Please take care of yourself. Remember to breathe, and know that you’re not alone.

#24

Thanks so much for sharing this! I agree the mind after 40 years of drinking and drugs and being clean for the first time ever he was like a deer in the headlights! Never saw anyone so confused. Unfortunately my Cardinal rule will always be no cheating to me that the unforgivable sin so he can have his little Ho’s and I’ll find someone who I don’t have to get tested for STDS every time i wants intimacy

#25

Thank you @Jacqui for sharing the video, I appreciate it! It does make complete sense and probably is an indicator of why and he cheated, came out of his rehab programme early (because her program is done) and is now in a full blow relationship on the outside with the girl he cheated on me with in rehab. He is literally obsessed from my understanding. They live together and she was even introduced to our mutual friends. And as I previously mentioned, to this day, a month later, he has never even had the respect to respond to the message I sent him when I found out and confronted him. I have not heard a word from him. No apology, no thanking me, no nothing.
I have been so sad and on the floor the last 4 weeks but today am feeling angry and disgusted for the first time. Disgusted that he chose a 19 year old girl (12 years his junior) over the life that we built. That is something I will never be able to come to terms with. I dont actually even think that he will EVER feel bad or apologise because he is happy and serving his needs now (again). This time in the form of sex and a new relationship, as a substitute for the cocaine. He gyms and exercises every day to get into a routine again and trying to live a clean lifestyle … but what does that help when your BEHAVIOUR is the same. Is the relationship going to last, I dont know. But I am pretty confident that if it doesnt, he will jump straight to the next girl - he is a handsome, attractive and manipulating person. He is what people call, a f*#( boy. And thats never going to change.
I feel literally sick to my stomach today.

#26

Yea mine started screwing anyone that would have him in there!!! I went thru his phone got all the proof I needed! It tore my heart out but I kicked him to the curb! I was the one person on this planet who wanted him to get clean and this is how I get repaid . It’s heartbreaking but they can have his new addiction sex addict I don’t want stds or lies!

#28

Hey there well I got Covid really bad while in Florida I got home and was sick for 2 weeks. But finally over that I thought I had dodged the bullet with the shots etc . He came home a week ago​:sob: showed up at my door expecting sex, it felt like a knife went they my heart there’s nothing more I wanted then to hold him and be with him BUT I can’t forgive his cheating and lying while in rehab I just can’t. I asked him to leave and haven’t heard a word. Guess his whores are keeping him busy so SAD! How are you???:pray::heart:️

#27

@Ellie910 … I have been thinking about you a lot. How are you? What happened since he has been out and you returned from Florida?

#30

Finally! Finally I find something related to this topic. My husband did the exact same thing as all these men up here. He got to treatment he started seeing some girl he even used the treatment facility to facility to hide it from me by telling them all these horrible things about me so they think I’m some crazy evil addict and they borrowed him from speaking to me so he could hide his affair. So not only did the treatment facility remove him from my life but they also allowed and encouraged him to start a relationship with this woman by basically telling him out with the old in with the new. His probation officer basically did the same thing. I am absolutely disgustingly infuriated. This has been the most awful few weeks. They put up couples pics on Facebook too and everyone’s calling me the bare ex I’m like excuse me he never broke up with me last I knew he was coming home for Christmas and he never showed up and never broke up with me and hasn’t spoken to me since. He has me blocked he got a new phone number I was able to kind of interact through her Facebook because she had the balls at least to say something and keep her open. I am absolutely disgusted and beside myself and just… there are no words to describe what I’m going through right now, and I was telling a friend of mine about it today and he said yeah that happens all the time. Excuse me? This happens all the time? I mean I thought it was a terrible idea to put male and females in the same treatment facility because you know this thing is going to be an issue so I would assume that they had some kind of protocol to manage it better and punishments for fraternization and adultery you would think. But no. There’s really not much they do in a lot of them. And that’s when I started looking online for any statistics I could find about divorce relationships and rehab longevity family anything I could find that shows that someone is noticed in his actually paying attention to this because it’s a huge problem. And this is the only thing I found. One question and a bunch of heartbroken women. And I know damn good and well we’re not the only ones. And this is horrifying. I wonder how many marriages are ruined by things like this? Why don’t they have couples rehab? Why don’t they incorporate someone’s significant other into their treatment program so this doesn’t happen? How many children are without a parent right now because of something like this? How many spouses have killed themselves like I thought of doing a few weeks ago because of things like this? If we send an addict to treatment we want them to come out better. When the state has someone go to rehab and has them on probation you would think that the very first thing that they would want to do was encourage them to be a good human being and the first step of that is to not cheat on your wife in rehab!!! Why does no one care about relationships or marriage anymore? Why is this okay because obviously no one really seems to be studying this or saying anything about it but it’s extremely prevalent. So I guess if I want to get a master’s degree I know exactly what my thesis should be for sure. I am just disgusted through and through that the system knows this is happening and isn’t properly addressing it beforehand stopping it when it starts or stopping it at all in some cases. And even worse sometimes encouraging it. No that is not acceptable. I will not stand for that to be a thing. If my husband stays run off with this little hood rat homie hopper, (and I know that sounds rude but I know her and she was like that before she got to rehab so it’s not like I’m insulting her just because she’s sleeping with my husband.) If he disappears from my life over this ridiculous never should have happened relationship, I guess I know what my life’s mission will be. Harassing everyone I can get a hold of to build some kind of protocol to address this issue.

You send your spouse to treatment hoping that they will get better so your relationship can be better and you wind up broken even more. Why isn’t that important? Why isn’t that considered part of the equation? Why don’t we matter to the people who run and set up these facilities?? What in the holy hell do they think is ok about any of this??? I am so very very upset so I must apologize for my bad grammar and run on sentences because I’m using my talk to text on my phone. But I am just overwhelmed with so many emotions right now about how disgusted and horrified and angry and furious and full of rage and just oh my God I can’t even get it out to describe how this feels. If I would have known this was going to be a problem I never would have I never would have let him go but I didn’t have a choice but I would have been I would have moved there God damn it. I would have found an apartment down the street and saw him everyday if I would have had any idea this was going to be a problem. And now my marriage my me destroyed because they’re too lazy and cheap to set up a proper treatment facility that cares not just for the addiction but the person as a whole why wouldn’t you incorporate their family into getting them better? I didn’t even have a choice to do so I didn’t even know it could be a possibility. And now because of all that I may lose my husband and my marriage and all these years we’ve been together stupid little girl who’s just going to hurt him right when I started to get him healed finally… Sick sick sick.

If anyone knows of anyone or any information or someone else who’s had this problem please give me any information you have. I will be happy to interview people who have had this happen to them and people who work in facilities who know about this or any information I can get a hold of this is now what I’m going to do. End of story. Because I am not going to just sit here and wait for someone else to join this talk thread and tell them I’m sorry. No no no. I’m going to annoy the holy shit out of every government official and every rehab director and every single person I can possibly think of who might be able to help me with this or point me in the right direction or just to annoy them so they know that there’s a problem to be dealt with and it should have been dealt with years ago. Unacceptable.

#29

@Ellie910 … Hi Ellie … aaah I am sorry to here you got covid! But so glad you are feeling better now!
Wow - and also that you had to deal with him coming back and expecting sex from you! It sounds like you are in such a good place, have put boundaries in place and doing very well! I am proud of you and admire your strength! Well done!
My side … he finally, after 7 weeks, responded to my messages where I told him I knew about the affair. Apologised and said he cant face me because he cant deal with the guilt he is feeling of what he did to me and admitted that he is a coward. He then he tried to make arrangements for someone to come and collect his clothes in the same message. I feel the apology is not genuine and he only reached out because he needs his clothes. Also said he wishes me only the best.
I have not responsed or reacted on the message.
I dont think he is feeling guilt at all - he is still seeing the girl he had the affair with, he even posted pics of them on social media - so there is no guilt in my opinion. He also told me in the message how well he is doing physically and mentally and that he has been clean for 65 days. As if I want to know how well he is doing!
So yeah … I am feeling a bit off and the message through me.

#36

Hello Violetskye,

I know how you feel. You described me and my situation exactly to the detail. It is sick how similar all our stories are.

Husband of 8 years went to rehab mid February, talks of me and our 3 years old every day. We make plants for him coming out and 2 days before getting out he tells me he no longer wants to come home. I go get him anyway mid march and he acts weird. It feels like he hates me. Does hug me, kiss me, look at me. Doesn’t even want to hold my hand. If I walked towards him he would made step away.

So after a week being home I asked him if he fell in love cause I knew something was up. He said no after about 30 seconds. So I knew. He would go to aa meetings but it would take him about an hour to get home. So I knew he was talking to someone. Mind you he’s sleeping on the sofa in the living room.

At that point I went through this rehab binder and found love notes: to my future husband. I got into his smart watch while charming at night next to me in the nightstand and he texted other people rehab friends how he hates me and hates being with me. His rehab friends called me ex wife. These so called friends were asking about this girl. He tells them how he talks to her daily and wants to move in with her when she gets out. This girl got into rehab for his last week. They shared a week in a rehab and leaves me and our 3 years old for fucking week of connection.

After I approached him about knowing about the messages, he kept denying it. What an idiot. I gave him last chance to get into couples counseling and to rebuild what we have but he told me I made him drunk, and he hasn’t loved me for the last 7 years ( together for 9).

After he left I even called the rehab. 3 employees talked to me. 2 were super apologetic and told me that’s not what they approve of and one, a manager told me that they can’t stop any bonding and intimate relations. I’m like are you serious.

It’s been about 7 weeks since he left. Im better now. Not a lot but little better than 7 weeks ago. It is extremely hurtful what these treatments do. I regret, as you do, sending him to rehab. He drove drunk with our daughter before rehab and that was the last straw for me. I told him it’s either rehab or you’re homeless.

Any way, I wanted to let you know they’re not alone. I’m educating myself and going to Al-anons and I have counseling once a week. But it’s still hard. For me it’s how can someone in 28 days can become to hate me so much that he can’t stand me. He doesn’t even care to visit his daughter. He is just selfish, self-centered, dry alcoholic who used to be a great and wet sober guy, mean drunk, who turned into mean dry alcoholic.

Both me and you are better without them. But that doesn’t mean the loss won’t hurt. It hurts so much because we stood by them and supported them and once they don’t drink anymore they have no conscience and just leave.

Hope you’re doing ok by now. Let me know.

#31

After 16 months of sobriety, my husband cheated on me. I wasn’t expecting it and only found out due to a toll invoice when he was out of state. Of course, the toll was from the beach, and he supposedly was on a business trip-(not at the beach). It took him several days to admit it after coming up with laughable excuses. The ‘other woman’ is also in AA. Go figure. Well. After 20 years, two previous affairs (yes, I’m working on my codependence issues), after me finding him overdosed and near death, after rehab, after over a year of asking NO questions of him (because I wanted to SUPPORT him. I didn’t want to ask him to work on our marriage with me YET because everything I read is ‘early recovery! their sobriety is MOST important’. I supported that, truly I did. Yet, after 16 months sober, after going to meetings every single night, (we haven’t had a family dinner in a very long time)…after standing by him…I find this out. He never even tried to work on our relationship. To say I am crushed is accurate, but, I also know that this is the final straw to motivate myself to leave this person who has absolutely no respect for me. He says it was just a weekend thing, that he doesn’t/hasn’t seen her regularly. At this point, I know that I can never believe a word he says again. For all I know, this has been going on for months, and he just happened to get caught. I’m just dreading the conversation with our college bound daughter. Not sure the best time to approach this for minimal stress to HER. I’ve been reading threads on this site and similar sites. I thought he was putting in the work and would soon be strong enough to work on US. Silly me.

#33

@wren - I’m so sorry to hear this! To be given such a huge blow after all that work rebuilding trust. I can understand why you’d be crushed, of course. Are you getting any support for yourself - therapy? And you mention sharing this with your daughter, who is college bound. Would you consider therapy for her, as well? She’s already going through a big transition coming up, she may need extra support. Having a professional to talk to, who has experience in these types of family issues, can be so helpful in finding the strength and peace to move on.

#32

I would give your husband the benefit of doubt. I have experienced the exact same thing, except I was the one in rehab. Another client of the rehab just didn’t like much of anyone to be honest, so she sent messages like that to our significant other just because, I couldn’t say. When people are unhappy in their own lives they do crazy things. Social media is dangerous at times. But that was my experience

#34

Hi @wren - I am sorry about your husband’s infidelity, for sure.
Unfaithfulness hurts so much and I remember feeling so played “after all I did for him.” If I had a tombstone it would say that. Nevertheless, it happens. People are jerks, we are all flawed. As you sort out your next moves, I hope you can slow down the situation enough that you can consider a few of the many changes that are going on in your life right now, in addition to having a marital issue. You’re daughter is off to college! Wow! Congratulations and Good Work! And Now what?! And your husband and you have a shift to your dynamic as well.

This podcast addresses infidelity, trust, and boundary setting. I recommend it as she is an expert in this field.
https://beyondbitchy.com/podcast/

#35

@Jeanbug, Yikes! The emails! -That sounds like a weasely thing to do- Who knows why people do these things. Thanks for posting. I think these situations are complicated and nuanced. :bouquet:

#37

I’m currently experiencing this exact issue, word for word. My wife is a severe alcoholic. On the most recent relapse, she threatened suicide and I got her into psychiatric care and then a really good inpatient program.

Same issues as other folks… She’s wrapped in a country club-esque experience, hikes and acupuncture, getting to focus on herself. I’m dealing with school aged teenagers desperately depressed and a roach infestation in my apartment due to uncaught neglect.

She stopped returning my calls for a few days and I panicked, as I assumed the only reason she’d cut me off was that she had big, bad news she had to share and was scared to do it. We connected after 3 days–I had to threaten divorce via her clinician–and she explained it was just a misunderstanding. Same excuse as above, that she needed space.

Then, last night, I was using her computer (something we both do frequently; I wasn’t intentionally snooping; we were in a really good place) and a text arrived of a shirtless photo of a 30yo man. We’re pushing 50. I panicked and read the whole thread… it’s really intimate. Heartbreakingly intimate. She compares his build, eyes, and star sign to the guy she was with before me. She jokes that she hopes he keeps getting her letters (he’s no longer in rehab) and giggles that she hopes the rehab isn’t screening them for their content. She called me two weeks ago for the names of some authors; turns out it was to recommend them to this guy.

She quotes Joni Mitchell lyrics: “I could drink a case of you.”

Worst, the history of our 30 year relationship is anchored in an 8 month period where we kept journals, her in France, me in India, and sent them to each other. That same handwriting–hers–journalling, and intimacy is being directed at this guy.

I faked a family emergency to get her on the phone after hours and called her on it. She swore up and down they had not been physical. She said she felt it wast just harmless flirting. All the same excuses other folks have shared up above. After about 2 hours, I got her to admit that she knew what she was doing, she knew this guy wanted to be physical, and that she was basking in the attention. I still don’t know if I believe her on the physicality. But the emotional intimacy is almost worse.

This is so cliche it would be funny, if it weren’t so tragic. Her addiction is anchored in her lack of self-worth. How can I compete with the adoring gaze of a young, built, sexy man who sees her for who she currently is, lusts for her, admires her, shares her addiction, doesn’t judge, has no anger. Compare that to me, whose presence is focused on reproach, resentment, deep deep deep sadness. Add the replacement for the high, the chase, and the refuge… it seems inevitable.

I don’t understand how other folks on this thread stayed. I don’t think I can. Couple this to the constant lying and it’s going to be impossible to rebuild trust.

She’s the love of my life. The most important thing to me in the world. I haven’t existed without her for the vast majority of my life. I have put soooo much effort into her care. And she does this to me, lies about it, diminishes it. It’s cruel. And I still want her. I can’t stand this.

#38

Sorry to hear, @Tal. Never fun. Hopefully you will have some time to untangle this. Yuck. Hang onto the things that are important to you.

#40

I couldn’t stay. He’s already in a new relationship that officially “started” on October 21st. We had our 9 year anniversary on October 3rd :pensive:. We’re not even divorced and he doesn’t try to talk to our 12 year old son anymore. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. It hurts.

#39

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this, @Tal. Recovery and repair in a relationship is possible, even after cheating. Moving on is possible, even after being together for so long. Take it one day, one moment at a time, and know that whatever decision you make, you don’t have to make right now. Sending love!

#41

How are you doing @Kelligraphy? Have you been able to anything to take care of yourself? Any small things that bring peace to your days can help. Sending love. :hearts: