My husband recently got out of rehab and is almost finished with his IOP and living at the sober house. On Monday I got a Facebook message from an unknown and fake account saying that my husband had an affair with a girl in rehab and this person said I have the right to know. Obviously I flipped out. My husband says it did not happen. And the next day I get another message from the account again giving me the Instagram name of the girl who he may have had the affair. I of course messaged the girl and she said it didn’t happen but I felt her response was a little bit sketchy. And why would the random person give me the girls name if it wasn’t true? Who would actually do this for no reason? Has anyone experienced this? Was it true or not true? HELP. Thank you.
Has anyone experienced possible cheating in rehab?
I saw this video today (link below) about how the addicted brain works, and it got me thinking about this thread and what you’re going through currently @Letty14 @Lara @Ellie910 @Anelson0524. I remember in a We The Village group with our CRAFT Family Coach @erica, she also explained how addiction affects the brain’s reward system and dopamine. People use and drink because they’re trying to feel “normal” by upping their dopamine through substances. When they finally detox, their tolerance for dopamine is much higher than it used to be, and now they may be looking for something, anything, to get to the level they’ve become used to. In many cases, that’s sex. So when they’re in rehab, they’re getting that high from the closest thing possible, which isn’t their partner. In addition, others in rehab have this shared experience and they are in close quarters, so it just makes it easier to cheat.
I am by no means saying this is an excuse for cheating. But hopefully it helps to understand addiction and how it hijacks the brain. People aren’t in their right mind when they’re using, and they’re not really in their right mind freshly detoxed, either. The healing process can and often does take a lifetime, which is why recovery never truly ends. Building back that trust takes a lot of healing within the brain first.
Video: How an Addicted Brain Works
A note from the Village
: Our Coaches are CRAFT certified and uniquely expert in training families to face addiction and get through recovery together. If you are interested in additional support, check out our online CRAFT programs at wethevillage.co.
@rebecca217 it does happen 
. It happened the 1st time my bf went to rehab. I didn’t get a warning message…one of my friends told me he’d changed his profile pic to him & a girl & i flipped out. He had also blocked me on FB & IG & my phone #. We did not break up, he just stopped taking my calls in rehab. I have never been more humilIated & devastated. This was a bf, not a husband. I can’t imagine that heartbreak. I was told (by his AA sponsor after) that it happens because they are without their drug of choice & fill that need with attention. I was also told these “flings” are temporary & dont last…but somehow that didn’t help the pain or betrayal. I’m sorry you are going thru this. If your husband is working a program, maybe eventually he will come clean. Just be careful. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.
Thanks so much for sharing this! I agree the mind after 40 years of drinking and drugs and being clean for the first time ever he was like a deer in the headlights! Never saw anyone so confused. Unfortunately my Cardinal rule will always be no cheating to me that the unforgivable sin so he can have his little Ho’s and I’ll find someone who I don’t have to get tested for STDS every time i wants intimacy
I have heard that most rehabs are strickly “no fraternization” meaning the guys stick with the guys and the girls with girls. If that did in fact happen, I’m so sorry you went through that. I believe it’s not the truth because there is usually no contact between sexes.
My wife went to rehab in Florida… I insisted she go to a women’s only rehab… she insisted on going where her friend was in Florida at that point I didn’t care just wanted her to go… it’s a coed rehab and they keep the separate only to sleep and use the pool… everything else is together… apparently the culture is everybody couples up in rehab… my wife who was 40 at the time had a 26 year old boyfriend… it was basically a big college party only there were no drugs or alcohol… she told me they wouldn’t let her leave and told them she couldn’t come home stayed there 82 days while I was home trying to hold a job and take care of 3 kids… one nite she relapsed and I got in her phone and found a message from another girl threatening to tell me what she’s been doing… apparently cheating is what they all do… my wife roommate was in her 20s and slept with at least 5 ppl there… the person she became in rehab was almost worse then who she was as an addict… she cheated on me as an addict but the fact that she did it sober and then would be on the phone with me telling me how much she loves me… I’ve got over what she did as an addict, but getting over what she did in rehab may not be possible for me! Good luck!
Yes, it does happen. My neighbor’s husband found “the love of his life” while at a rehab for alcoholism in California. My husband’s rehab went to great lengths to keep the men and women separated for this reason… Their brains are obviously trying to function without drugs or alcohol but are still screaming for a dopamine high and sex or an affair is an easy replacement. My husband started a secret affair with a married woman he worked with within a month of finishing his inpatient treatment and IOP for alcoholism. It takes awhile for them to see that they can’t just switch out addictions. I think that’s what they’re doing with these affairs at rehab and soon after. I hung in there after I found out about his affair and he got himself straight for about 9 years. When it got stressful again in our lives, sadly, he didn’t start drinking again, but he had another affair with another married woman at his new job. He got fired for that affair because she was his employee. Then he started another affair with another married woman at the next company! I divorced him after that one. He is not drinking but I believe he just switched out his addiction to alcohol to affairs with married women and will not get help or acknowledge that he has a problem. I’m sorry. It’s tough.
@Philly215 Thanks for adding this perspective. Not saying that cheating is okay, but I could certainly see how it’s a tough position to be in for everyone involved. It takes a long time to build back trust after a loved one has cheated, but it is possible to rebuild a relationship, and this kind of compassion is important to that process.
I am experiencing it this very moment 
…
My bf went into rehab exactly 3 weeks ago today. I noticed that he was becoming distant and I started hearing less and less from him to the point where he ignored me the entire of last week, only to be told he was working through a lot of emotions and needed space.
Only for me to come across a string of messages between him and another patient and it is evident that they are commencing a romantic relationship. The males and females are not allowed to be by themselves in the communal areas at his facility, so the both spend their times in their rooms, video calling and phoning each other, sending good morning and night messages and planning on meet ups within the facility.
My heart is literally on the floor … I have been with this guy and stood by him through everything that he has put our family through, managed to convince him to go to rehab, supporting him, waiting for him and committed to life after rehab with him. And then he chose to do this.
I even warned him about staying out of relationships and friendships in there because EXACTLY the same thing happened to my brother a couple of years back. But … he never listened and now he is smack bang in the middle of an affair.
I am literally on the floor.
@Lara Oh I am so sorry to hear you are going through this! Especially after all you’ve been through to help him into recovery, and then you’re hit with this kind of heartbreak. 
How are you doing today? I hope you’re taking this time while he’s away to take care of yourself, however that might look like.
Lara I’m married with three kids and experiencing this in a Florida rehab. My husband and I were separated and working on ourselves and eachother and he slept with someone there. It’s terrible and tough and idk how to feel either.
@Anelson0524 and @Jacqui … Thank you for your responses.
Firstly @Anelson0524 , I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. It seems that you are taking the time to work on yourself which is great and certainly more than I can say. I honestly dont understand how these things are happening in rehab because I hear of it SO often. Have you thought about what you are going to do in terms of next steps? I went to see someone yesterday who explained to me that the addiction in rehab is replaced by this behaviour due to them not being able to fulfill the chasing of that old habit. Doing something like this is a chase for them apparently.
@Jacqui - I am in a really bad place. To answer your question - I am sadly not taking care of myself. I just have no energy and drive, even though I full well know that that is what I am supposed to be doing … I have so many thoughts, emotions and feelings that I am struggling with. An immense amount. I contacted the his therapist in the facility on Sunday after finding out to advise her that I am not in a position to continue participating in the program ie conjoint meeting and support groups and advised her of what I came across. To date, I have not even had a response from her. I also sent him a long (nice) message and advised him what I have seen. And to date, he also didnt respond to me. I feel I used, taken advantage of betrayed. Since he went into rehab, well after the first week where he was incredibly apologetic about everything and telling me how he will spend the rest of his life making up for what he did to me, he has just become so incredibly selfish. He ignores me, doesnt want to hear how I feel - pretty much a “your feelings dont matter now, this is all about me”. I understand that being in rehab is sort of a selfish approach that they need to take - focus on themselves, get into a routine again, work on themselves and fix them … but surely this doesnt mean not having empathy for the person you hurt the most, and pushing her away … whilst getting friendly with a fellow female patient in whom you invest all your spare time in the facility whilst I sit and wait to hear from you, wait for you to miss me, wait for you to care, wait for you to respond.
I feel that him and his therapist has agreed that it is best for his recovery to take a step back from him and just focus on HIM and not deal with me in the outside world. I am obviously not good for him at the moment. And I guess that includes an apology or any form of acknowledgement. I also learnt yesterday from my session with someone external, that should recovery be successful, the addicts move on to a new life, better and bigger things … and that the ones that was hurt, stay behind and have to pick up the pieces by themselves. I am feeling that this is what is happening here. He is done, too much has happened and he will now focus on bettering him and starting a new life without me in it once he comes out. He will not try to salvage this, he will not try to fix or fight for this …because its all him now. Just like it was all him now for the past how many years. I have to pick up the pieces and deal with the aftermath all by myself. I also want to add that this is not the first time where there has been a form of infidelity. I just never had proof. Although he never physically cheated on me, there were always things that I found or come across with him and a female (chats, inappropriate behaviour etc) which he always made me understood only happens when he is high. But what is the excuse now … because he is sober. And its happening IN rehab.
I am broken …
@momentsandlight … thank you for your very thoughtful and inspiring message. It really means the world to me.
I am very sorry to learn what you have been through. I sincerely am. It sounds that you are in such a wonderful place at the moment and I am hoping that I too, will get there someday.
On my side however, he has completely cut me out. I hear from his family that he is doing wonderful and a really great space … which is more than I can say about my current state. I am literally on the floor and he has not had any contact with me.
My heart is so very sore. I cant help but envision that this is the end.
@Lara What an incredibly difficult situation you’re going through. I know it can feel hopeless but just take it one step at a time. If you feel less shitty today than you did yesterday, then that’s progress.
I have a similar story… my husband didn’t cheat in rehab but right before he went to rehab, I found out about an affair he recently had. I couldn’t believe it. It felt as though I was in a house and there was this storm of addiction blowing the house down, and I was doing all I could to keep the house standing. And then all of a sudden this bowling ball gets smashed through the window. And instead of figuring out what this bowling ball is doing here and who threw it, I just have to set it aside because the more pressing matter is the fricking storm blowing the rest of the house down.
Does that make any sense lol? That’s how I’ve always felt about the situation. The addiction came first. His brain was not functioning properly. There was no way to even address or talk about the affair until he was in his right mind again, able to speak genuinely and truthfully. Eventually, once we had worked through the broken pieces from the addiction storm, we finally addressed the affair in couples therapy. We worked through it. I had to redefine trust for myself and realized that it wasn’t about him earning trust back, but me letting go of anger and forgiving.
I know your story is different because your partner is currently in rehab and seems to be pushing away. But all that was really to say that in active addiction and early recovery, our loved ones’ behavior is confusing, frustrating, heartbreaking. Their brains have been hijacked. They become complete assholes but if we know in our hearts that that’s not who they are, then I think there is still a reason to hold on to hope. There is always hope.
You can’t possibly know this is the truth. Don’t let your own narratives take over. You can’t know what he is going through just like he can’t know what you are going through. Focus on what you know is true in this moment. My therapist would recommend I write out a gratitude list and at first I thought it was stupid but today a gratitude list saves me from the what-ifs and the worries and the stories I tell myself about what might be true.
Sending you love!
Take care of that heart, @Lara. Little by little, moment by moment, day by day, healing is possible.
**hey ladies I’m right there with you all I am very thick headed when it comes to certain boundaries I have and no cheating is my number one ! He’s no cheating in rehab unreal I’m so glad these super expensive places are trying to help our loved ones face their demons and put down drugs and alcohol BUT to lax to be able to keep these affairs from happening it kills me we get so thrilled that they are finally seeking help they need just so we can be screwed over. Today I’m just mad and sad and tired of crying. I’m a super busy person but at night alone with my thoughts I’m my own worst enemy. I do want the best for him but I Don’t think I can forgive this ever and that kills me. He gets out in a few days, I blocked him from contact 3,weeks ago so I’m a wreck I’m actually flying to Florida tomorrow just so I’m not here when he comes knocking I can’t hide forever. Ladies thanks for listening to my rant **
Im with you @Ellie910 … I need to instill boundaries again (actually bought a book about it), because I think mine went flying out the door in this relationship sadly.
Safe travels and please let us know how things go …
I feel really sad today which is a turnaround from yesterday.
But like @momentsandlight have said - little by little, moment by moment, day by day … I believe I will heal again. Have just never ever experienced this form of betrayal ever before in my life. Tomorrow marks 3 weeks of no contact after I confronted him. It breaks me not knowing how he is doing (from a recovery perspective) … and whether this affair I came across is still continuing.
Anyway … I will never know.
The racing thoughts at night are the worst. I’ve laid awake in an empty bed many, many nights, wondering what my husband was doing. Replacing the thoughts with a prayer helped to ground me and stay in the present, instead of letting my thoughts carry me away. The serenity prayer helped a lot.
Good for you for doing what you need for yourself. Sometimes removing yourself from the situation can really provide some clarity and space to breathe. Take it one step at a time.
ladies thanks sorry much for the responses and encouragement you guys are a huge help. Most people don’t know can’t relate to what I’m going thru but I’m Hank goodness we all found each other on this site ! My plane is about to take off Hugs to you all