Have you felt resentment towards your addict loved one? How do you deal with this?

#1

My boyfriend of three years is a recovering cocaine addict who visited rehab this time last year. He has relapsed twice but has now been clean for 6 months. I have been with him through it all and tried my best to support his sobriety and learn more about addiction. He kept his addiction secret for a year before we moved in together. I feel so guilty admitting this, but there are times when I feel SO resentful and angry towards him. What spurs on this resentment is the fact that he hid his addiction from me for a year before we moved in together. I am so in love with the person he is but there are times when I feel so betrayed for the fact that he lied to me for that first year of our relationship. Our communication has gotten much better and we are both actively working on rebuilding the trust that was lost. I am constantly worried he will relapse and lie about it, and this causes me a lot of anxiety that is hard to manage. I am even resentful to him that I am having these feelings, because as unfair as this is, sometimes I question if it is worth it to go through this pain with him.

I want to be supportive to him, I don’t want my resentment to affect his sobriety and his journey with addiction. I guess I’d just like to hear if anyone has ever felt these similar feelings. Or if anyone has any advice or “silver lining” type experiences? Just looking for a little support and some hope

Being supportive while your husband is in rehab while processing all of the feelings and resentment
#2

I’ve definitely felt resentment toward my dad. About the lying, and bizarre behavior, and confused parent/child roles that come with substance use. It all seems so unfair!

When it gets really bad, it seems healthier to step away for a bit instead of pushing through the anger/resentment - probably better for everyone.

We know that connection is the opposite of addiction - but if the connection feels forced or inauthentic or based in anger, is it helping or hindering? :thinking:

#3

@dori I got you :slight_smile: I’ll be your cheerleader here! and dish out some hope :wink:

OK so I have DEFINITELY felt resentful. My short answer is, it’s probably time to take a bit of time to yourself, to reengage in your hobbies, with your friends etc. rebuild yourself so you are not so hurt by his actions.

But here’s my long answer too!
I’ve also been head-over-heals would-do-anything-for-you in love with my now husband, who at the time was just a friend, while he was more in love with cocaine. Yes it was painful.

Over the course of his addiction I’ve at one time or another resented everything! Resented how much I cared, how much I worried, how I picked up slack for him at work, how I stopped seeing my friends, how I couldn’t focus at work, how he lied to me, how I didn’t know if our relationship was real because I learned he was mostly high, how when he was ready to fully love me I couldn’t even love him back properly because I felt so depleted. That I had to sit up all night and talk down his paranoia. Or do half his coke so he wouldn’t. How I started to check every pocket, nook and cranny. Or…list goes on. Oh yeah, and how he got to go to rehab and I was left alone! Too much? :wink:

It is such a balancing act.

You know what though. I really love him and we made it through. He finally accepted help and went to rehab, and ever since then it’s been slow but positive recovery. 3 years on and he continues to grow and I am so proud of the man he is. And he looks after me so so so well.

He even had a lapse this year recently and we moved through it like pros.

So though I can’t promise this will be your roadmap. I can promise that there can be light at the end of the tunnel, whether it’s a similar path to mine or another one.

Always here for you! <3

Couple things I learned over time that might be helpful to you:

  • with cocaine the depression felt when the substance is removed is MEGA - do not underestimate this. It makes it really hard to stop and stay stopped. And makes it hard to enjoy normal day-day things
  • it took at least 6 months post-deep addiction to move through a bambi like skating on ice period, and I’d say 2 years to recuperate - the brain can heal but it takes TIME (more than you think!)
  • celebrate all the small wins, he needs to rebuild belief in himself
  • what we might think are critical days will become weeks and years, take time to care for yourself so you can tolerate the journey.
  • a relapse doesn’t have to be a crisis, get inquisitive about what led up to it
  • listen and work on small improvements (a comedy show, etc. how can we make life more enjoyable and remove the stress that has led to escapism through substance use?)

OK i’ll stop there for now :slight_smile: sending <3

#4

I’m currently in the same predicament. My BF came home from rehab last week. While everyone is worried about his well-being, mine and all my efforts have been forgotten. And on top of that, all he pays attention to is texting his rehab buddies, which is great, but I feel lost in the mix.

Last night, I went through his phone and one of his rehab buddies and him were talking about some girl from rehab. I could of sworn my BF said the girl asked him to be her bf. Needless to say, my BF texted her. I confronted him about it and he said he was hurt I would assume he was talking to other girls. It did hurt me and I can’t stop thinking about it. I just feel like I’m being totally insecure, but I am resentful he has this group of people or that things went on that I don’t know about. It’s driving me nuts to the point where I can’t even function.

#5

@katie @polly @stayhopeful244

Wow - thank you all for your responses. I feel so much less alone!

@stayhopeful244 I felt EXACTLY the same way when my boyfriend came home fro rehab!! I found it extremely helpful in that time to keep loved ones around me and spent extra time with friends. having a support system outside of my relationship really helped.

@polly

Our situations are so similar. It’s SOOOO helpful to hear your perspective. I like what you said about relapsing. I feel badly that I have entered crisis mode during the times when my boyfriend has relapsed. I love your idea of getting inquisitive. I think I felt as though if I didn’t treat i as if it were a crisis then he would be motivated to relapse again. Sounds illogical now that I say it again, but I think this whole process is very much a learning experience and a time when we can gain more insight and strengthen our bond throughout the journey!

@katie I really needed to hear what you said. I have a hard time stepping away when I am feeling resentful towards my boyfriend! But pushing through it without taking care of myself NEVER helps. I’ll definitely try taking space :slight_smile:

#6

Try to remain calm @stayhopeful244 I’ve been in your shoes and if it’s anything like what happened in my situation these feelings will pass. My husband kept on talking about how great his yoga/meditation teacher (female) was from rehab oh Katie this and Katie that (whatever her name was but I think it was Katie). And the constant comms with people from rehab yes. He even developed a relationship with a women in our city who was a housewife with kids and since they both weren’t working at the time he’d go to the park with her during the day. Ummm red flag! I found a text from her saying she wish she was in his bed!! That was awkward…

So, my conclusion is those things pass. Talk openly about concerning relationships of the romantic variety. The friends are all good and they’ll keep in touch over years. But no need to get hot and heavy with anyone. Those most likely won’t work out anyway but better to nip them in the bud.

Deep breaths. Know right now is super weird for him. He’s just come out of a caccoon and everything’s going to feel a bit uncomfortable. These feelings will pass. Try to stay occupied and engage in self care. Things will smooth out <3

#7

@dori you’re right, we’ve gotten so close through this! I now look at other couples and know we’ve weathered so many more storms. For better or worse :wink: at least we know we can handle things when seas get rough!!

#9

I had to stop worrying about what he is or isn’t doing. It is hard because they get so much attention while using then so much MORE while recovering. I don’t go through his phone anymore. Not bc I am afraid to know, but bc if they’re gonna search elsewhere, they will find a way. More focus on me and keeping my side of the street clean

#10

@polly Thank you for this! I’m happy you have had a similar experience. I confronted him again about it and he said it’s nothing and that I should trust him. I want to but he actually asked the girl to be his GF. WTF. I am pretty upset about it and feel really worn down. :frowning: I think because he got caught he is changing his tune, but it still has me super uneasy. It just made me feel like I’m a horrible GF, when I know I am not. But he isn’t realizing how I feel.

#11

Heck yes! I have felt a ton of resentment and anger toward my son. I have disliked him and wished he would go away and leave me alone. Of course, underlying all of that is a deep, unconditional and supportive love.

My son has stolen from me (things of value like two engagement rings), stolen my cash, credit cards and checks. He has done things that I am not comfortable discussing in a public forum,.

I think its totally natural to feel this way.

#12

Who wouldn’t feel resentment and frustration - It is only human to feel these feelings! We feel these feelings for those in our family who are not addicts when they disappoint us! Yet this “addiction” resentment clouds our perception and sometimes just builds and doesn’t go away. We look at the person who has an addiction through a curtain or film covering our eyes filled with doubt, negativity, impatience or always thinking the worst (Like, inside my head screams OMG he is such an idiot!) I have done this most of my growing up life to my dad who was an alcoholic and now in my 50’s work hard not to do to my son who are recovering alcoholic/addict. It has taken much reading, reflection, learning, and time along with personal support to view them as humans with limitations instead of a type of monster messing with me in my life and brain. I have to work at this over and over again! Its like I need new glasses to see them as human beings who are learning all over again basic skills and relevant thinking; it may take years to achieve critical thinking for some adults who are recovering. Yet, I am worth peace of my own mind and only I can be in charge of my mind and how I react. I have heard “progress” not perfection is what we can aim for so…progress is what I aim for!
Thank you all who responded sharing of their view! This was an inspired question!

#13

Thank YOU @Marie_Marie. Your answer definitely makes me feel like less of a monster for having thoughts like, “OMG he is such an idiot.” I have to constantly remind myself to be patient and kind and forgiving. You’re right, though - progress, not perfection, for all of us!

#15

My hubs will have 7 years (lord willing) in January. We’ve been together 14 years. When I got really honest with myself, it was when he was about 3 years clean and sober, working a strong recovery program, and being the model recovering addict -I WAS PISSED OFF.

I was miserable and resentful and angry and then felt guilty for feeling all those things - because sobriety was what I wanted so badly. I honestly thought that if he got clean, life would be great. But it wasn’t. and I couldn’t figure out why… But then I did.

I was actually resentful of MYSELF. I’d stayed and put up with more stuff than anyone who truly loved themselves would have put up with. I’d abandoned my intuition, believed I was crazy because of the lies and gaslighting and had gained so much weight between the depression and emotional eating and medication changes. I was absolutely miserable.

I had to get honest and allow myself to grieve. I had to forgive myself and decide how I wanted to move forward. I chose to have grace with myself and get back to me. I still catch myself resenting him. But then I remind myself that it’s really me and that I always have choices.

Everything you’re feeling is exactly what you should be feeling. What is it trying to tell you? How can you put yourself first during this time? How can you work on you?

(((Hugs)))

#14

@katie @Marie_Marie totally resonates with me too.

It’s like yay you cleaned.
And also, like yeah clean! Hehe :joy::cupid: