How can I deal with the uncertainty of my boyfriend being in rehab?

relapse
recovery

#1

A year ago I met my now- boyfriend. He told me he was a recovering addict, but I caught him using 3 weeks into our relationship. He then got clean, on his own. We drug tested him and he was really doing well for 6 months. Then we got into our first major argument, and he relapsed and basically avoided me for 5 months. And i acted crazy and mean in retaliation. We are working things out now, but he recently went to rehab (yesterday) and idk how to handle the uncertainty of our relationship. I already felt like he was distant with me before he left bc he holds grudges and also bc of his shame from using (opiates/heroin), and not giving me what I need, either out of anger or out of inability bc of his drug use. I know he loves me but he is easily influenced at times of weakness, and he is definitely at his weakest. I’m scared he won’t be able to see me if he talks about our fights with his therapies or blames his relapse on the arguments. I just don’t know how to deal with any of this. What if I support him while spending all summer alone and in 90 days he breaks up w me? What is he meets someone in rehab who understands him better? I know I should focus on myself but he is part of myself and my future (I’m assuming). My friends all say to run and that the odds are against him ever recovering but he’s the strongest person I know (other than his addiction) so I feel like he’s too stubborn to let this beat him. So I don’t have support bc no one wants me to be w an addict. But I wouldn’t want to be abandoned if I had a problem , so I refuse to do that to him. How can I deal w the uncertainty of our future and not knowing if my support and loneliness during this time will all be for nothing when he gets out?


#2

Oooof. I feel this. Such wisdom in your post. Such a conundrum. Knowing we can support a loved one who is struggling, and also sitting in the uncertainty of what we can expect in return with an unknown timeline. I just want to say your feelings are valid and I’ve been there myself. I was told to run for the hills and that my loved one was not a blood relative so I should get out. I can tell you that, for me, sticking by his side wasn’t easy but it has been the most fruitful and ultimately positive relationship. And that’s not to say that nothing could ever change that. We can never predict the future. But we can trust our gut, and use skills to support recovery and take care of ourselves. Our Family Programs are designed for exactly this kind of situation and could be just the thing to help you with a tangible toolkit of principles to endure this journey. If you haven’t checked them out yet, take a look here.


#3

Hi @Lalamo - it’s great to hear your boyfriend has taken steps toward recovery. Early recovery is so tough on everyone - so much uncertainty, so much healing to do.

Be careful with what-if’s. If you let them, they can take you away through false narratives that carry no truth. Try grounding in the present moment and focusing on what you know IS true. When my husband was in early recovery, I was seeing a therapist and she recommended I start a gratitude list. She told me to write three things I was grateful for every day. Running water, a roof over my head, a favorite meal. It seemed silly and not helpful at the time, but now this practice is a huge part of my own healing and grounding. Try it out - what are you grateful for today?