A year ago I met my now- boyfriend. He told me he was a recovering addict, but I caught him using 3 weeks into our relationship. He then got clean, on his own. We drug tested him and he was really doing well for 6 months. Then we got into our first major argument, and he relapsed and basically avoided me for 5 months. And i acted crazy and mean in retaliation. We are working things out now, but he recently went to rehab (yesterday) and idk how to handle the uncertainty of our relationship. I already felt like he was distant with me before he left bc he holds grudges and also bc of his shame from using (opiates/heroin), and not giving me what I need, either out of anger or out of inability bc of his drug use. I know he loves me but he is easily influenced at times of weakness, and he is definitely at his weakest. I’m scared he won’t be able to see me if he talks about our fights with his therapies or blames his relapse on the arguments. I just don’t know how to deal with any of this. What if I support him while spending all summer alone and in 90 days he breaks up w me? What is he meets someone in rehab who understands him better? I know I should focus on myself but he is part of myself and my future (I’m assuming). My friends all say to run and that the odds are against him ever recovering but he’s the strongest person I know (other than his addiction) so I feel like he’s too stubborn to let this beat him. So I don’t have support bc no one wants me to be w an addict. But I wouldn’t want to be abandoned if I had a problem , so I refuse to do that to him. How can I deal w the uncertainty of our future and not knowing if my support and loneliness during this time will all be for nothing when he gets out?
How can I deal with the uncertainty of my boyfriend being in rehab?
Oooof. I feel this. Such wisdom in your post. Such a conundrum. Knowing we can support a loved one who is struggling, and also sitting in the uncertainty of what we can expect in return with an unknown timeline. I just want to say your feelings are valid and I’ve been there myself. I was told to run for the hills and that my loved one was not a blood relative so I should get out. I can tell you that, for me, sticking by his side wasn’t easy but it has been the most fruitful and ultimately positive relationship. And that’s not to say that nothing could ever change that. We can never predict the future. But we can trust our gut, and use skills to support recovery and take care of ourselves. Our Family Programs are designed for exactly this kind of situation and could be just the thing to help you with a tangible toolkit of principles to endure this journey. If you haven’t checked them out yet, take a look here.
Hi @Lalamo - it’s great to hear your boyfriend has taken steps toward recovery. Early recovery is so tough on everyone - so much uncertainty, so much healing to do.
Be careful with what-if’s. If you let them, they can take you away through false narratives that carry no truth. Try grounding in the present moment and focusing on what you know IS true. When my husband was in early recovery, I was seeing a therapist and she recommended I start a gratitude list. She told me to write three things I was grateful for every day. Running water, a roof over my head, a favorite meal. It seemed silly and not helpful at the time, but now this practice is a huge part of my own healing and grounding. Try it out - what are you grateful for today?
Hi, I am in the exact same position as you right now so I can completely relate.
The what ifs, the uncertainties, the worries.
My partner is in 6 month rehab residential therapy and I want to wait as we have planned a future together though it is up and down and I feel frightened that if I wait and then he may come out the other end and decide he doesn’t want tk continue with me then effectively I feel 6 months of my life would be wasted.
I am in such turmoil right now. Feeling stuck but wanting it back work.
It makes it difficult to support him in the best way that he needs meanwhile I feel like I am sacrificing my own.
Ours is such a difficult position to be in as a loved one on the outside waiting for the unknown
This was the worst feeling for me and came with the hardest pill to swallow. The best thing you can do to support and help him is to support and help yourself. A healthy relationship is a choice and both parties are equal. The best thing for me was focusing my energy back on myself and knowing that “loving someone enough” won’t get them better. They had trauma and hardships before you, that you didn’t cause, and that you can’t fix. You can however, love yourself enough to heal YOU so that way when he does get out and when you do talk his words don’t affect yourself worth. When they use their drug, they become our drug. They tear you down and build you up for their purposes and their gain. No matter what addiction they have, they protect their habit and not their life because they aren’t thinking straight. So we protect them, we love them, we lose ourselves trying to find them. Once you find yourself and they know that you love them enough to stop them from hurting themselves, these questions aren’t so daunting. Whatever he does is out of your control and whatever you do is out of his. To have a healthy partner, you have to be ready for a healthy relationship. For me it was trusting that I didn’t have to fight with him and scream at him to be heard/understood after he got out, I had to trust he had the tools to listen and I needed to relearn the tools for communication. The best thing I did for my husband was not base my life on our marriage and to base it on what I wanted for myself.