My mom will go to one or two meetings and then stop. She says “I don’t have a problem.” The others do.
How can I encourage mom to attend AA meetings?
polly
#2
One concept I’ve found really helpful (and is evidence-based - part of the CRAFT - Community Reinforcement & Family Training which has skills the family / friends can learn to promote behavior change in treatment resistant loved ones) is to take an experimental approach. What that means is if something is not working, let’s find something else.
OK so maybe AA right now isn’t your mom’s thing. Is there something she enjoys that she hasn’t been doing lately that we could help her bring back? Getting into nature? Socializing with likeminded individuals? Or something else?
Small and positive changes like these can be foundational to building up the positive changes we hope to see. My husband didn’t like the 12-step meetings. They don’t have to be the only answer. I know it’s more work for us, the friends and family, but it can be worth trying!
Approaching the conversation with her also can be more engaging if it’s not about substance use but more about your noticing her not getting out much any more (or things related to the harmful effects of the substance use as opposed to the substance use directly) and if you ask her for her ideas and LISTEN. The more we engage her motivations to do things the more likely she will be to follow through.
What do you think, just one idea, does this sound at all useful? I know it’s a slow approach, but it takes time to heal from addiction, we have to find a way to celebrate the small wins.
katie
#3
Welcome here @dadpop2007!
What @polly’s shared about experimentation is awesome! Trying new & innovative ways to find healing that work for the individual person.
I’m curious to know more about your mom’s situation & the ‘why’ behind your want for her to attend AA meetings? Is it to stop drinking, maintain sobriety, find community, get out of the house… or something else entirely?
AA can be awesome, and perhaps there’s another answer, too! Maybe 1:1 therapy, or weekly phone calls with you, or a knitting group, or daily walks! (Obviously don’t want to oversimplify the situation, but there may be an alternative answer to the ‘why.’)
^ Even with all that said, I guess your question remains the same, “How do I encourage my mom to do XYZ?” I think my answer is to get curious. What does she like or not like about AA meetings, and why? What does she know about the impact her behaviors have on you? What else might she be open to trying?
I’m sure it would also be helpful to her to know what impact she has on you. Try to label your feelings (“I feel worried when you don’t quit going to meetings”) without placing blame for your feelings (“You make me feel worried when you don’t go to meetings”).You can find some other CRAFT communication tips on this post.
I think my dad was more inspired to attend NA meetings when I was regularly attending NarAnon meetings. We wouldn’t talk about the “details,” but knowing that I was “doing my part” maybe made it more appealing for him to do his. Or maybe it just felt more natural in conversation - like asking, “Did you go to a meeting this week?” didn’t feel like an accusation, but more like an accountability.
Let me know what you think!
ashleykm3
#7
Thank you @dadpop2007 for contributing such a great question! I think this is a problem several people encounter when their family members decide to seek treatment.
My interest here actually lies in why your mom decided to initially go to one or two meetings. If she states she doesn’t have a problem, why did she go to begin with?
Was she in denial that she had a problem to begin with, and then ended up being convinced one way or another to go and seek help?
When you say “my mom will go to one or two meetings and then stop”, that makes me think that this is not the first time this has happened— or that you have observed a pattern with this situation occurring again and again.
What is her schedule like? Why do you think that sometimes she feels more confidently about going to meetings, and confident that they may help her, than other times?
Your answers to these questions might provide a bit more insight into this situation.
dadpop2007
#12
Thank you Ashley. Mom stays at home and has too much free time. She should be attending AA meetings at least a few times a week. I think she possibly is in intermittent denial. Maybe she has a form of a bipolar disorder. I’m not sure. I need to take better care of myself so I can be more helpful to her.
erica
#8
So glad you’re here @dadpop2007, thanks for sharing and welcome! Here are a few tips to approaching the situation that may be helpful from CRAFT!
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Ask permission to have a conversation: by doing this you allow her to invite you in rather than intrude, it allows her to be a participant in the conversation versus a passive recipient, and by asking permission you increase the likelihood that she will listen to what you have to say and be open and receptive.
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You can now provide her with information you may want to share: offer, don’t impose, provide options to achieve the goal (for support until she gets into treatment AA -you can go with her, go to a therapist, talk to her doctor, go to group therapy, etc), if there is disagreement flow with it so it reinforces that you want to be an ally in helping positive change for the both of you.
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Check back in with her by asking “does that make sense to you”, or “I just want to check back in about…”
The most important thing in approaching this is coming from a non-judgemental, empathetic, supportive place. We catch more flies with honey! Wishing you luck!
Love this
dadpop2007
#13
Hi Erica,
Thank you very much for your reply. I appreciate your suggestions. I am currently overwhelmed with work.
I will try some of your ideas.
Dave😀