My bf is a recovering opioid addict currently on methadone treatment. He got a DUI in May and his drinking has put a major strain on the relationship. I would prefer if he didn’t drink at all, because in my eyes he has so many reasons not to (clinic, DUI and court stuff, past bad stuff that has happened while drinking) but he does not agree. This weekend was his 25th birthday and his mindset was “I’m a 25 year man and drinking is legal so I’m going to drink”. I picked him up to take him out, we stopped at the liquor store and went to dinner. He bought it because even though he doesn’t have an ID they know him at this place and don’t card. He said he would just get a mini or two and reassured me everything would be fine. And everything was amazing. Dinner was great, but on the way home we had to stop for another “mini or two”. This time I bought it for him because the cashier had made him mad the earlier time. We went back to his parents house and continued to have an amazing and special time. We had deep, long conversation, we had physically intimate time together, we got in the hot tub late at night in the freezing cold just the two of us and enjoyed each other’s company so much. Soon after we got dressed after coming back in from the hot tub, I wanted to go to bed. I feel like it always comes to this point when he is drinking and we are staying together. I want to go to bed, he doesn’t and starts to be mean. I honestly don’t know what happens and how it escalates so quickly. I’m telling him I want to go bed and he tells me to go to bed and I say I can’t if he won’t stop talking to me and then… this is what happened last night. Then he screamed at me and called me a “thot”. I started becoming very upset at this point. He was yelling and telling me to get out of his room. I kept repeated all I wanted was to go to bed. I laid back down at one point and he turned the lights on and wouldn’t never then off. I asked him to and he called me a dumbass. I finally left and he continued to text me and call me super mean names. He used very rude racial and religious slurs. He was also angry that he paid for dinner and I didn’t sleep there. I was supposed to take him to the clinic in the morning and drop him off at community service but that didn’t happen. I went to work today and have not talked to him yet. If he doesn’t get to the clinic he is only going to be more irritatable. I don’t know why this is happens and I’m so hurt by the fact that we had such a great night but we ended it by him seeing very mean things to me. I have kind of just come to the conclusion that he will always get to the point of being a mean drunk when he drinks, if he keeps drinking. I am very upset and anxious about how things are going to work out.
How do I deal with a mean drunk?
Oh shoot. I’m so sorry it was a hard night after a fun weekend @shea.
Has he always been a mean drunk? How have you dealt with it in the past? Or is this new? Linking @Carrie_Mitchell and @Bamachick who might have some insight.
And @polly - maybe you could shine some light on your experience with your husband still drinking in recovery from his cocaine addiction?
Lastly, perhaps @erica could share a little bit about de-escalating a situation &/or adapting communication?
(Shameless plug: we’re hosting a free online workshop tomorrow - Wednesday, December 19, 3pm EST - all about how to have conversations that actually work. Might be helpful?! 
)
Not always but they have been many times in the past. At my old apartment he would do the same, keep me up by yelling and banging on walls, throwing food, calling me names. He is banned from my current apartment because we have gotten so many noise complaints from fighting. He has also gotten into fights with his family when drinking, including calling them names and physically fighting with his closest family. His DUI sentence was more severe because he was so rude and disrespectful to the cops and he got a failure to obey charge at my old apartment when he could have gotten nothing but he was being kind of ass. I have tried to reason with him, I have tried to ignore him (which doesn’t work when we are physically together), I have tried to party with him (which is fun until I get tired and want to go to bed). The only thing we haven’t really tried is zero communication when drinking but…
Literally no pressure - just plain curiosity - what’s stopping you from trying that?
I like your commitment to trying different approaches and re-trying when something doesn’t work. We talk a lot about ‘experimentation’ here as a foundational piece of the CRAFT methodology (Community Reinforcement and Family Training). There’s no one-path-fits-all, so we keep trying until something sticks!
I mean, we like to talk to each other so. I just think it would be hard and I don’t know if I trust us to be able to leave each alone. He apologized and the new conclusion was he won’t drink around me…
Which I was upset with at first because it seems like he’s blaming me.
But whatever, is what it is
@shea I’m also so sorry to hear that a great time ended up turning completely upside down. The worst part when it comes to these types of situations is that they can sometimes be completely unpredictable.
I’m afraid I wouldn’t call this just “mean drunk”, but it’s bordering a little on the emotionally abusive side, which can get pretty scary. You did nothing wrong— it can be easy to blame yourself for the slightest little things, but it’s your boyfriend that needs to do some work in this situation.
It seems like it actually might be a good idea to try not drinking around each other. You never know, it could be just the thing you need. Like @Katie said, CRAFT is all about experimenting with new things. There’s no right or wrong answer, as long as it fits in with your long-term goals!
I am so sorry to hear this and can understand your frustrations. I love the sober times but HATE the drunk moments with my husband. One thing I adopted was a “pause”. I tried to not engage with my husband when he was drunk. It never works out as a productive conversation.
My best advice is sharing your thoughts and feelings when he is sober. This allows him to fully focus your words without the influence of the alcohol.
The pause also gives you a moment to take a break. I journal my words that I typically want to YELL at him during this time. It helps me release the anger. Then when we chat, I can really mean what I say.
You have the power to create emotional boundaries. And you are not alone.
I don’t really drink, but he says he won’t drink around me. He goes back and through between saying he won’t around me and won’t drink at all, but I guess we will have to see. Thanks for the support.
@Kelleyw17 I’m all for using writing to let out our frustrations! I’m so glad you mentioned this, it’s super effective and takes the weight off our shoulders without posing any threats to relationships around us.
Hi @shea
I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I went through this with my boyfriend when he was drinking, it became an anxiety for me… I didn’t know “which him I was going to come home to” and it caused me so much emotional stress… What I learned and what worked best for my situation was a few different things…
#1 I always tried my best not to “poke the bear” - which is wrong, because it is not our fault that they are like this when they are like that… I often just “emotionally removed myself” from him when he was like this, it became a “yes dear, ok, you’re right” because there really is no way to reason with anyone when they are in that state.
#2 Address your feelings with him when he is sober, and definitely choose your words… you don’t want to attack him, but you want your feelings to be known.
#3 Have a safe space - this is a very important one… It may be more difficult if you guys live together, I would often just go for walks or sit outside to give him his “cooling off time”.
Know that you truly are NOT alone in this! Sending you lots of love xo
Thanks for the advice. Im feeling very lost and confused because I have shared with him many tearful mornings when I tried to explain my feelings and I feel like nothing ever changes. I try not to engage him but often times he tries to engage me or won’t leave me alone.
Thank you for the comment. I don’t usually “poke the bear” it’s more like I am the bear and he pokes me… I want to be left alone or go to bed and he will continue talking to me, coming in the room, etc. Our fights are usually late at night and I feel like its harder to go outside and take a walk or even just sit because it’s usually cold and dark.
If anything I hope that you, @shea, see you’re not alone and have support here and the ability to talk through your situation! I’m jumping in a few days after you posted but like @katie mentioned, I hope I can give a few tips and ideas about managing the situation when you’re in it as well as working on communication.
What I hear you saying is you’re discovering a pattern in your relationship where things seem okay when your boyfriend begins to drink and then as he continues to drink they take a drastic turn where he becomes irrational, hostile, irritable, impossible to talk to, as well as talking down to you and putting you down. In addition you have tried many approaches and the result is generally the same.
Our professional perspective on the topic of communicating is:
It’s best to try and communicate when they are sober, or at least when they aren’t in the end stage of complete intoxication. If a person is engaging in repeated behaviors like substance use they’re harming themselves – this is because they aren’t connected to their own value as a human being (when we value something, we don’t repeatedly harm it). Reminding him of his value also helps you practice thinking about how to become an unconditional positive ally. When we communicate with our loved ones in a positive way, we’re more likely to get what we want: some positive change! Positive communication is contagious, and can not only positively influence our loved one, but also help us learn how to reach out for support and connect with others on a deeper level. These communication tips can help guide how to communicate effectively.
Let’s practically apply the idea of positive communication:
7 Positive Communication Skills
- Be brief (keep it short)
- Be positive (always look at the positive side of a situation)
- Be specific and clear (concentrate on one area)
- Label your feelings (i feel…)
- Offer an understanding statement (i understand why…)
- Accept partial responsibility (i know that this is partly my fault because…)
- Offer to help (I’d like to…How can I help?)
Something like this:
I love spending time with you when you are sober or just have a few drinks (positive statement), and I also see it’s hard for you to manage how much you drink once you get started and get that this isn’t easy for you (understanding statement). I feel sad, anxious, upset, and frustrated when things begin to escalate when I share that I’d like to go to bed and you begin to put me down (speaking in the “I”, labeling feelings, and referring to specific behaviors). When we get into this scenario I know that I push your buttons in response (accepting partial responsibility) and this doesn’t help either of us. I want to help you and be supportive without condoning your negative behaviors and I’m nervous I’ll reach a point where I cut off all communication. I don’t want to do that so I’m wondering if we could go over some potential ways I can help both of us not get to that point (offering to help).
Please ‘comment’ below so we can continue this dialogue, @shea. I’m here and am happy to help!
A note from the Village
: Our Coaches are CRAFT certified and uniquely expert in training families to face addiction and get through recovery together. If you are interested in additional support, check out our online CRAFT programs at wethevillage.co.
I’m so confused. I feel like I could try to communicate to him like this but there would be no point. He doesn’t think it’s negative behaviors. I think he becomes so irrational when he drinks and he thinks that I am just looking for things to be upset about because I don’t like him drinking. We each place all of the blame on the other. The solution from last time was going to be us trying not to talk to each other when drinking but since then in the past 9 days he was tried to get me to hang out with him while drinking 3 different times. I told him I wouldn’t go back to his house with him after we went to the liquor store. 1 time I got really upset and he didn’t drink, but then Monday night and last night he insisted that I hang out while he was drinking and it would be fine. Monday I didnt spend the night and left when i wanted. Last night he literally begged me to stay and sleep at his house. I caved in. I went to bed at 11 and he was still up and making noise and still drinking (beer from his once he finished his liquor) at 2:30. He wasn’t very nice and told me I was just mad I couldn’t sleep and blames it all on that. He told me to go sleep on the couch so he could play video games in his room. I don’t understand why he begs me to stay, promises it will be fine, then refuses to come to bed with me, stays up all night drinking, and tells me to go sleep on the couch if Im going to bitch. I have tried to set boundaries before like no drinking in my apartment, I will not buy you alcohol, I will not drive you to the liquor store, I will not be around you when you are drinking but then HE literally BEGS ME to break the boundaries I have set (for the good of our relationship) and manipulates me until he gets his way. And then he wonders why I get upset when he drinks when from the starting point it happens I am feeling disrespected and used and manipulated. I smoke weed and he holds that against me when I speak out against his drinking. Even though he actually doesn’t have a problem with it, he will act like he does when I talk about my problems with his drinking. I was going to daily sometimes multiple a day Al Anon phone meetings and he went to 3 face to face AA meetings with me and it was really nice but he read the book and heard the shares and decided it didn’t apply to him and wasn’t resonating with him ( which is fine) but he didn’t drink for like 3 weeks and it was awesome, but that was back in September.
Hey, you’re really going through it, again I’m glad you’re able to share here not keep this all bottled up! I’m wondering what exactly are you confused about? The communication tips or your situation in general?
Maybe this will help you get some clarity about next steps:
Let’s take a look at what your needs are at this time. I encourage you to do this simple exercise to try and find where your primary focus is at this time.
Rate each of these on a scale of 1 - 5, 1 being the least important, 5 being the most important
I want to help my loved one attain abstinence 1 2 3 4 5
I want to relieve my own emotional distress 1 2 3 4 5
I want to get my loved one into treatment 1 2 3 4 5
I want to learn how to support my loved ones sobriety and treatment 1 2 3 4 5
I want to increase my loved ones motivation for change 1 2 3 4 5
Something else 1 2 3 4 5
Whichever gets the highest score is your priority at this time and we can go from there. Let me know how it goes, and if you’re still confused I’m happy to clarify anything for you! 
Thank you for the little survey to establish my priorities. I’m at work now but I will look at it and let you know my conclusions. I’m confused with the situation, the communication tips are good I’m just concerned about implementing them but I will establish my priorities and make that my first step.
Rate each of these on a scale of 1 - 5, 1 being the least important, 5 being the most important
I want to help my loved one attain abstinence 5
I want to relieve my own emotional distress 5
I want to get my loved one into treatment 1
I want to learn how to support my loved ones sobriety and treatment 4
I want to increase my loved ones motivation for change 4
Something else (stability in our relationship) 5
I want him to abstain from drinking but he thinks he can handle it.
I need to learn how to stop putting myself through this emotional hell.
Getting into treatment isn’t important to me because I feel like it’s not important/ not an option for him.
I want to learn how to be more supportive, but I feel resentment because I feel as though I am always doing more, trying harder, looking for new solutions, and he is stuck in old habits.
I want to motivate him to change but nothing I have done so far has worked.
I want to feel secure in our relationship, not anxiously waiting our next drunk fight.
@shea Oh I know hun, trust me. If you guys do not live together, it would definitely be easier to set boundaries but living together makes it difficult. I noticed with myself and every situation is different I was always trying to appease my boyfriend when he was drunk and no matter what I did, it wasn’t good enough and that’s the alcohol. It got to a point where, I would know if he was drunk I would get anxiety and dreaded coming home because I didn’t know “what drunk” I was going to get that night and it made me hate the action of drinking. It took something bad to happen, for him to clean up his act. Just know you truly aren’t alone.
@shea awesome you got the chance to quickly go through this list. I think it helps to zoom out and prioritize a bit. The thing that jumps out at me the most here is this related to your own emotional distress and what you said about learning how to support him:
I believe you would benefit from taking a breath and practicing some self-care. This will reduce your emotional distress, and help you look at the situation in a helpful way free of resentments. I’m going to send you a message to dive deeper. So glad you were able to establish some priorities!