My fiance and I have been together a little over 3 years. When we met I was struggling with addiction to alcohol for 20 years and recently divorced after being married 28 years. I was able to hide it for the first year and then with his help finally got serious about recovery because I didn’t want to lose him. After I was in a program his PTSD kicked in and his recreational use of weed became an addiction. I am 20 months sober now and he is sinking further and further in a hole. I see all the signs and I try to the point of exhaustion to help him…but it’s no use. I have moved back in with my parents and he is staying at the house that I bought from my divorce settlement which was supposed to be our “dream” and “happily ever after” home but he is slowly destroying it. We only see each other on weekends now and whenever I go there I see more things trashed in the house. His lack of motivation and responsibility is frustrating. I love him so much and he has so much help readily available to him through the VA but he doesn’t show up for appointments. He promises me he will go and then doesn’t. Weeks are turning into months and there is no improvement. I keep holding on thinking one of these times he will keep his promise and get the help he needs. Sorry I am rambling…I am just so frustrated!
How do I deal with my fiance who is in the active throws of weed addiction?
Oh man this situation sounds tough… we’re here for you @Mustanggirl515, we’ll figure this out together. You’ve already been through addiction yourself so you’ve had a first hand experience of how hard it is. On top of that you’ve tried and tried and even separated yourself from the situation to look after your own wellbeing which is good. Are there other people in his life that can help give him a wake up call or help you give him the added support he might need to get back on his feet?
Hi @Mustanggirl515, I agree with @Dean_Acton, you are in an exceptionally difficult situation. I also want to congratulate you for doing what you need to do for keeping your self-care in check. We have to help ourselves first before we can help others.
PTSD can be a gruesome disorder. Your fiance must always be on edge, trying to mitigate his symptoms with weed. It can really become a downwards spiral.
I think the first step here towards treating his weed problem is through treating his PTSD. There are so many options out there for PTSD— my older brother has suffered from it and fortunately was able to try out Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT; one of the most common and effective forms of therapy for PTSD). I noticed that you said he has the resources from the VA available to him but he won’t go. I think the best course of action here is to identify the obstacle (either inner or external obstacle) standing in the way of preventing him from going. He could be too high to drive himself there, so maybe you can drive him there. Or maybe he might be too tired for a morning appointment, so maybe you might fix him some breakfast before going, and add in some words of affirmation that he can, in fact, do this! Appointments can be scary and anxiety-inducing, so it’s a good idea to make him feel super-supported. The key here is not that he necessarily goes to the appointment, but rather doing these little things that will set himself up to get to the appointment.
From there, his addiction can be treated. It’s all about the baby steps. 