How Do I deal with my girlfriend wanting a relationship break after rehab?

#1

About 3 weeks after my girlfriend of a year got out of a 10-day stint in rehab, she called a “break” in our relationship. Says she still loves me and just needs time to work on herself. She said we would still talk, but it’s become complete silence. Is this normal after something like this? I myself am completely sober and have never dated an addict. Up until about two months ago, I didn’t even know she was an addict. Wasn’t until I was out $10,000 and the stories weren’t lining up- did I know. When I found out, I told her I would stand beside her and go through this with her, together. Anyway, only a few days ago did she abruptly call a break. Am I wrong for being a little lost on everything?

#2

I recently went through this when my fiancé relapsed after going through an inpatient treatment program. It broke my heart. So yes, I understand how you feel about being lost. He called one day and said he needed a break, but that we were still together and took three months away. He now has almost 7 months sober, which I’m very proud of him for. It is my understanding that this is common when people get out of treatment because it is encouraged that they take care of themselves. It is so difficult. We still have conflict over it because I’m still so hurt. The uncertainty is so difficult to deal with. During that time, I really focused on myself. I spent a lot of time with my friends, took up painting and golf. I did attend some Alanon meetings, but I never found a good fit. I read stuff on this site regularly to see what other people had said. Like you, I was lost. I didn’t understand it at all. I still don’t. My best advice is to take this time to work on making yourself happy. I know it’s difficult because everything feels like it is in limbo. But it’s the only choice you have. And hopefully, she will open up more as she grows in her recovery. I’ll check back on this thread regularly and try to support you. Hang in there.

#3

Thank you for responding. I wasn’t sure how active this community was but as all this is extremely recent, I’d been scouring the internet for answers. First and foremost, I’m sorry to hear you’ve also had to go through such matters. I wouldn’t wish these feelings upon anyone. I feel like such a selfish turd for being upset while in reality, I’m happy that she’s made the choice to better herself. I just didn’t expect her to become a ghost.

I’m assuming your fiance made a return?

#4

Sorry you’re going through this. Not sure if you’ve been able to read through other stories on this site? You may read about others going through the same confusion during and after their loved one’s rehab stay. Truth is, rehab doesn’t necessarily make everything better. It can certainly be helpful, but early recovery (first year or so) is extremely difficult. People with a substance use disorder have been using substances to escape something for so long, and now rehab forces them to face whatever that is head on. It’s extremely difficult, and on top of that, now their brain has to heal from all the damage that drugs have been doing.

I think what @Alexus suggests is super helpful -

When my husband was in rehab and throughout his early recovery (and even beyond), I really learned how to focus on myself, and not just “self care” but really dig into who I was, what I needed, what I was afraid of, all that good stuff. Therapy, Al-Anon, support groups, this community, family, friends, books, podcasts. I learned everything I could about addiction and how to best support someone going through addiction and recovery. Turns out what I thought I knew was completely wrong. But we do the best with what we have at the time. I’m just super thankful for the people who helped me, because they helped me help my husband and my marriage and my family.

any of this resonate? If you have questions about resources, this community is a wealth of them. Just gotta do a little searching and a little asking. :wink:

#5

Sorry you are going through such a rough time. Being the partner of someone using and/or in recovery is so difficult. You really need to let her work things out. You too are in recovery. Get in some groups. CRAFT is so helpful. It gets you to do self care, you take care of you, you can’t take care of her right now. I know it’s probably not what you want to hear, but really, let her go through what she needs to. My loved one has been in recovery for just about a year (this isn’t the first time) and we are just now slowly working on our relationship. I didn’t get it at first but about 6 months into his recovery I realized it’s about him, he needs to work on him and I really need to work on me. So I say to you, work on you. Let your girlfriend work on her.

#6

Iv been in a 16 year relationship with the mother ofnour three children4,5,13 years old . My fiancee andni both struggle to stay sober and we dont always sometimes we do slip up but for me its a slip up . There’s times like now she goes off the deep end , i get up go to work construction have always had a full time job and payed our bills. She works when she wants to doesnt when she dont counts on me for most everything. She has bipolar 1 and 2 ontop of her childhood issues but for the most part im the most reliable dependable person in her life . Her parents are not much of what yoy call parents and my fiancee can be an amazing mother but she has her few months sober followed be month not but in the month she not alot goes wrong. I had to do one the hardest things iv ever done and that was call the authorities because afraid I could lose our kids if I didnt. See we have a mutual agreement that our kids always come first and if either slip up the others to do w.e they must to keep kids from foster care. I feel like the choice i made was the right one still cps called me said they heard about kids mother and thought it was best she not be around them. I her mother sister agreed so I actually lied to police and told them she didnt live at our house and had temporary order protection put in place . She refused to get help it was bad she was talking to people that weren’t there up for days my security cam got her getting up and down back and forth from living room to kitchen 163 times from 1230 to 7 next morning. It was keeping me my kids up it was a mess I didnt know how to force her to get help. I know it was shitty but her mom told me to do it along with her sister who’s a drug counselor. She is in rehab now been 2 weeks I haven’t heard and word from her ? This ain’t like her she always calls home check on her kids there her life they love her she loves them ."I had kids send pictures they drew money so she can call letters explaining why i did what I did . Told her if she’s sober come home that was a week ago so im not sure she’s not calling because mad? Or she can’t? Idk what reasons could there be? We her kids want to know she’s ok they will not even say if she’s there or not we know she is because of her attorney. How can we make sure she is ok my gut is telling me something is off 16 years I know this woman and she would have called mad or not told me go fuc# myself let me talk to my kids kind a thing and not a word to anyone . Me her mom her sister nobody why would she not call im confused ?