How do I know the right action or non action to take in regards to sticking it out or leaving?

alcohol
#1

I quit drinking, gambling, smoking and working 20/7 in a course over the last 6-10 years. I did this with help from friends, books, online programs, medical reasons and now Overeaters Anonymous and EA. My husband is what I would call a functional alcoholic and his gambling is out of control to the point we are about to go bankrupt and he denies a drinking problem and admits only to a little gambling with excuse of he thought it would help our financial problems. In the past my actions were to work harder and longer hours with ignoring and nagging depending on my selfish needs at the given moment. My latest contribution to this problem was more selfish passive aggressive action, I quit my job with excuses my wages were all going in the poker machine & being I chose to be a work alcoholic taking no time for myself that now I will using my husbands choices as a reason to enjoy myself (if he can “enjoy” himself so can i). . I started spending money on personal recreational items for traveling, hiking, kayaking, biking and swimming, massages, facials, pedicures, expensive “organic” personal hygiene products and food for a healthy diet and counter actively eating processed foods out of control. My failure to be self responsible and contribute to our income and my out of control spending habits contribute to our today’s financial state. We have hired a financial planner and are in the very beginnings of creating a plan. I have taken the actions that are required from me at this point in terms of getting information to our financial planner and stop spending other than required bill paying and am awaiting farther instruction. Mean while my husband has not taken any positive action towards his spending and is very verbally passive aggressive when ever he has to contribute towards compiling information. I actively share in EA online sharing, read and put into action from The Big Book AA, Today seems to be like a last straw for me, I asked what the problem was (he was angrily cussing the news{this seems a bit mild way to describe}) in the basement. He told me I should just leave if I don’t like the way he does things. I am reading bottom of p 86 in The Big Book and trying to relax and take it easy while waiting for inspiration from God. Every day I am getting more and more depressed. I realize leaving at this point will make our financial problems worse. Yet I feel as though this place of waiting for inspiration is not good for anyone. Thank you for any insights.

#2

Welcome here @Criss_Paulsen_Hender! Finances can create so much tension and frustration, cant they!? I want to acknowledge you for taking responsibility of the role you play in your financial situation.

Wondering if one of these posts might be helpful to you:

And I invite @ErinHill @Kristine @JGibbs @polly or @EMM89 to share their perspective here, too!

#3

@Criss_Paulsen_Hender This is a lot all at once. I am really glad you are working with a financial planner. Have you experienced any changes in your financial health since you began working with this person?

I would highly recommend having a close friend by or being advised by a therapist. Sometimes these things (especially when finances are involved) can really begin to feel like a big mess, and a psychologist would be able to help you pick things apart so you know what to focus on first. If you’ve never tried it, you have nothing to lose!

Finding the right therapist could be hard— I’d suggest downloading the app Zocdoc and finding one through there, if you’re interested. You just put in your location so they can find professionals nearby, and you can even put in your insurance so they can make sure you’re covered!

Let us know how everything plays out.

#4

Great resource @ashleykm3! Thanks - I’m gonna use it for myself, too!

#6

@katie all about that intersection between technology and mental health! :wink:

#7

Awesome resource. @Criss_Paulsen_Hender you can also check out psychologytoday.com This is a website that can be used to find any mental health resources you may need in your area. You first put in your zip code, then filter down based on your insurance provider, what type of resource you’re looking for (psychiatrist, therapist, group), the issue you are hoping to work on (addiction, depression, mood, etc), and filter down even more based on your individual preferences. You then reach out to the provider straight from the site to see if they will be a good fit!

#8

Experiment! With an attitude of experimentation we can try things and if they don’t work try something else :slight_smile:

#9

@polly Maybe you can share an example of how experimentation has helped in your husband’s recovery? Maybe the question wasn’t ‘sticking it out or leaving?’ but where has try/fail/try again worked for you?

#10

Making me work for it @katie hehe :wink:
Couple examples:

  • The anon groups were not my husband’s cup of tea, but reconnecting with close friends was!

  • My husband dabbling in abstinence and moderation is still a try/fail/try again situation

  • Sharing with some friends over others by trial and error got me to learn how to talk about my husband’s addiction and who to talk about what with!

#11

Love it! Thanks @polly!