Posting on behalf of a Village member:
Ok, this is my first time posting to this group and I need advice or understanding. I’ve been in a 16 year relationship with an addicted partner. I finally stopped enabling and refused to allow him to live with me if he continued to use. That was followed by months of him disappearing for days on end only to show up broke and exhausted on my doorstep out in the cold. And while I did allow him in to sleep and recuperate, he was never allowed access when I wasn’t home. At the end things were bad and harsh words were spoken to be fair on both sides but I knew I had to stay strong. Eventually though, after much coaxing he finally made the call on his own to enter an inpatient rehab. He went in vowing to get clean for himself and for us so that we might actually have a real life together. And that sounded wonderful and all Id ever hoped for but heres where I got blindsided. He came out of rehab bitter towards me for having put him out of the house claiming he had been homeless and that was abuse in his eyes. He needed time away and now wants to take it slow to try and rebuild our relationship. He says its not me he just needs time to work on him and that so much of our past is now a trigger. As you can imagine this was exactly the opposite of what Id been waiting for for so many years. All that might have been ok but he made a female friend in particular while in rehab and they are now in the same Recovery house we got him set up in. He was not forthcoming about that and indeed lied by omission ( he was the one who told her about the place he was going and actually helped get her in ) and while he assures me she is only a friend, I have not met her, spoke to her and quite frankly wonder whether she even knows about us. He claims they bonded in rehab and she is a new friend, who now takes him to work and transports him to dr appointments mostly when I cant and just happens to be a female and to get over it that his sobriety comes first and I will need to accept this. When I express any distrust or try to point out to him that maybe she is misreading his intent he doesn’t want to discuss it, blows up and then says that he doesn’t need any conflict in his life. He says he needs all the help he can get and if I cant help him he will continue to accept her help. But Ive been with him when she texts and he tells her he is still at work and wont need a ride home for example. When I ask why don’t you just tell her your with me he says he doesn’t want to hurt her or jeopardize receiving her help and that he has told her about me. So heres my question, has anyone else experienced this. Do I accept this at face value, how do I make sure my needs and feelings are addressed without triggering him. Quite frankly, while he claims I haven t changed I feel like while he may be sober now he is the old behaviors haven’t changed.
How do I make sure my needs and feelings are addressed without triggering him?
He is what we refer to in recovery as “dry.” Dry drunks and addicts may be in fact sober, but their lives, perception of life, and unhealthy attitudes and emotional/mental states remain the same. You stated that he has resentments towards you. Resentment is the number one offender of relapse or unhealthy recovery. Depending upon the treatment center he attended, he may or may not have worked with a sponsor and completed the 12 steps required to induce the psychic change that will ultimately break either the cycle of addiction, or his being “dry.” When you work the 12 steps, you find out that you are the one at fault for the way you handled yourself, your life, and the circumstances within your life. The “blame game” stops. Having said that, it is always the responsibility of the addict/alcoholic to want to pursue a sponsor, and complete the 12 steps. Until he stops taking other’s inventory and concentrates on his own inventory and how to right his wrongs, he may remain “dry” for an indefinite period of time.
I agree with @jaywalker. He may not be using but it sounds like his behaviors have not changed and he is not yet in recovery. When my boyfriend is using, he will start taking things out on me and blame me for everything. He will pick fights about things that are so minor. And I’ve seen him behave this way when he hasn’t used either, but I know that when he acts like that, his mind is not in recovery. Until he is ready to take care of himself and take his recovery seriously, his behavior is not going to change. I hope things get better for you.
I am happy to hear that you finally put your foot down and set healthy boundaries to put yourself first. That is one of the most important things you can do. You cannot help your addicted loved one without helping yourself first. Make sure you are practicing lots of self care and keep us posted. Here for you <3
I would not accept this. It is very sketchy and if he is truly in recovery he wouldn’t be handling this situation in this matter. Regardless of the truth, it is unlikely for someone to stay sober when acting in these types of ways. Recovery is a total mind/body/spirit animal. I’m sorry you are dealing with this and hope the best for you.