How do you know if it is safe to get an apartment with your struggling loved one?

#1

My partner and I have been together on and off for 3 years. During his slips he has been to known to steal from roommates and that has made the situation with our current roommate (we are in two bedroom right now, the three of us) unbearable. She doesn’t feel like her stuff is safe (fair) and in turn is really nasty to him (not conducive to his healing and makes me see red) and I don’t want to come home at night to deal with their drama. Bonus points for the three of us all working on our own problems with substances (some mixed and some not)

I know it is going to be up and down with him and I am prepared for that. We have gone through the slips enough that I thought I was doing a good job in making him feel safe enough to at least tell me the truth about what is going on and know that I am not going to leave him over it. Especially when roommates in the past have falsely accused him and let him take the fall because of his shifty reputation. Recently however the stealing but more importantly the lies have come back in full force.

Part of me wonders if he is trying to sabotage us getting our own place together again. We have lived together before and it was good and bad. Stuff and money occasionally went missing and we would argue horribly instead of the calm and loving approach I am trying to take now.
I feel so insecure with the dishonesty part though. I am also losing faith in the more supportive approach I am taking and worry I have no boundaries and he no accountability.

I am afraid to get a place that I cannot afford on my own in case things go sour for us sooner that later. (For some extra perspective: this will be my 6th move since 2016.)

But I am 100% in love with him. And if I felt secure in this piece there would be no question about supporting each other in getting a handle on our drug issues. We have already come so far, and knowing we made it through some real dark times gives me confidence to keep on fighting.

I just feel like…maybe I’m a giant sucker? Or doing the right thing standing by him and taking this chance as support and love are the only ways to deal with this problem as we all know.

Help villagers!

Much appreciated :slight_smile:

#2

@NodSquad thanks for sharing this question! I understand the anxiety you must be feeling about moving in with your loved one. I’d say these types of big life events are a good time to re-evaluate what’s worked in the past, and what hasn’t. I’d suggest sitting down with your partner and maybe grabbing a pen and notebook to outline some of the pros and cons of moving in together again. If you do want to move in, what are some solutions you can think of that might have been helpful in the past in preventing stealing and promoting a more honest environment? What hasn’t worked?

Another thought: did the previous roommates have locks on their bedroom doors? If so, did this help in preventing stealing?

You are doing the right thing by responding with love and taking the time to evaluate your situation.

#3

Hey @NodSquad - great question!

I don’t have the perfect answer (if only it were that easy!) but here are some things that came up for me while I read your post:

  • Could you find a place that you can afford on your own? Like you said, just in case…
  • Even if you split the rent, can you put just your name on the lease?
  • Can you work with your partner to determine some “non-negotiables?” Like, if X happens, then Y. (And to the above point, if ‘Y’ is move out, then you know you’re safe.
  • Get a safe for the apartment?
  • Sharing this post and this one from other partners who have dealt with stealing.

Let me know what you think!

#4

I live w/ my bf who is an addict. He has stolen from me when we were living together with his PARENTS! It was hard to deal with. But even still, I had to make the mature, conscious decision and realization to separate the addiction-self with his real self. Since addiction is physical as much, it’s so hard to see that stealing is a part of the addict , not the actual person.

I’m in a similar situation. My bf and I got our own place. It’s a winter rental. We did that purposefully to see how our living situation would be and really to see what would happen after he got out of rehab during Nov. 2018. He relapsed and I’m happy we made the decision to get a winter rental and not rush into a lease. My advice is find something that isn’t locked into a long term this way you can ease into the situation. It’s putting less of a strain on yourself (and the relationship!). It’s always a good segway into something more long-term, but not just quite yet. At the end of the day, you want to make sure that YOU will not get overwhelmed by having a place long-term if that’s what you decide to go with. Make sure you can afford necessities and still be able to save money if possible. Because you need to be able to rely on yourself in case all else fails! I hope this helped and that it didn’t seem negative.

Wishing you good luck!