Hi, I’m new here, and I just have a lot of questions and uncertainty… So here goes… I apologize in advance for the long post - writing is how I best communicate my feelings.
My fiancée (35, F) and I (29, 30 in a week, F) have been together for 2 years. We live together at my parents house but were planning on moving to her house in Colorado when she gets out of rehab. She’s been an alcoholic for several years, and realized she needed to get help before it kills her. She has epilepsy, so she did it for her health and for our relationship.
She first went to detox last December, then relapsed after some really bad family issues. She went back, and I was able to talk to her on the phone, and long story short, I called the facility to talk to her (because she couldn’t have her phone, and I found out she left, and she never told me) and found something out that wasn’t true. But she’s very secretive about things. She’s been in rehab since December 26th, 2024, and was supposed to graduate April 2nd, 2025. She did, but I’m so codependent and we experience what my therapist calls the pursuit/retreat cycle. Me being the pursuer, and my partner being the retreater.
She actually went back to rehab, I don’t know what day, probably the same day she was supposed to come home because I freaked out and kept calling and messaging her and she said she had a breakdown and almost drank and said that’s when she knew she couldn’t do it. But she also said she can leave whenever she wants since she already graduated. She refuses to tell me where’s she’s located because she thinks I’m going to call the facility and ask questions. I tell her pretty much everything. All she says is she’s 2 hours away.
She has been completely shutting me out. I get that rehab has them very busy with group therapy, individual therapy and other activities during the day, but I have told her time and time after again to please just tell me if she can’t talk. A simple text is all it takes, I know she has her phone. We used to be inseparable when we first got together. Now it’s like she’s different…
Our communication is just absolute garbage. I communicate, she doesn’t. I told her I want to do couples therapy, but it will only work if she comes home. We spoke on the phone yesterday and she told me she would talk to someone about making arrangements to come home and she’d call me after group. She did call, but then hung up immediately. The only text she sent was some song to listen to. I haven’t heard from her in over 24 hours. Sometimes she does this.
I’m just frustrated. I deserve answers. It’s not that hard. I’m tired of her being secretive. I can’t communicate with her when I’ve got 30+ texts sent to her already and she hasn’t even read them. I love her. I really do. But I’m just so aggravated right now with her crappy communication and not knowing what’s going on with her. I know I need to back off and just give her space, but it’s hard. I just want her to talk to me. I don’t even wear my engagement ring because I’m trying to get used to the fact that what if she just calls it quits? I don’t even know if we’re still together. She and I never officially broke up, but I just don’t know what to do… I know I’m pushing her away, but I shouldn’t be treated like this either.
This was mostly a rant post, but if anyone has been in a similar situation or has any advice, please help. I don’t want to lose my relationship with her. I truly do love her. And if she did break up with me, she still has a lot of her belongings here, so you’d think she’d tell me she would want to make arrangements to come and get her stuff, right?
*I added a screenshot of her saying why she went back to rehab.
We’re here with you.