How to get off the roller coaster?

husband
#1

We’ve been married for years and my husband was an addict 10 or so years before we got married. It was never on the table when we were getting married, always seemed like a thing of the past. He got clean and had been living sober for years. Recently things started sneaking in- new addictions to pills, alcohol or weed. He had outpatient treatment for a time, just to please his family and , but that didn’t stick. He knows he has an issue and is trying to change, except without medical help. I can’t make him sign up for supervision but I’m also on this roller coaster. He’s trying to detox alone, without the proper medical care he just goes nuts and finds his substance of choice just to get through. He goes through a period of tough detox (couple days) and begs & pleads with me to “let him” get what he wants. Immediately after taking what he wanted we have a couple “good days” til his supply runs out and we are on the roller coaster again.

He’s trying to get clean but won’t push through the discomfort and won’t go get professional care. I feel stuck on the roller coaster with him. I’m thankful he’s not hiding it and threatening to leave doesn’t work. Tough love makes him shut me out. Any advice?

#2

Hi @PUPPYLOVER, welcome to this community. I’m sorry to hear about the rollercoaster you have been experiencing, we have all been there and understand! It’s really difficult when your loved one refuses to get treatment or maintain recovery. It’s all a very tough balance. I just want to focus on the positives for you that he has been in recovery before so you know it’s possible! And he doesn’t hide it from you so that can be a win as well!

Personally, what has helped me are the Village Workshops that are offered. I believe there is one this afternoon that you can attend online. Perhaps @Jane or @erica can you give more info. I have also just started doing some coaching sessions with @erica and that has also helped me come up with strategies to communicate positively and motivate my loved one to maintain their recovery. Lastly, I have also been reading the book “Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change” - so far it is a GREAT read and helps me feel less alone and hopeful about my circumstances.

I hope this helps. Here for you :heart:

#3

Thank you. This is an incredible community. Just to have someone to talk to is amazing. We don’t share this with anyone so I feel very alone as his spouse.

#4

Let me tell you, I FEEL THE SAME. It is so easy to feel alone when you’re going through this with a loved one. It’s hard for me to talk to any of my friends or family about this because there is a lot of judgement and not a lot of support. I hope you know you are not alone! If you can, I encourage checking out Al-Anon groups to surround yourself with more people who understand your situation. I love this online community but I personally need to see people physically as well. I hope you are doing well today, sending lots of love and hugs your way :heart:

#7

Yes I agree with you also. Anytime I try to share a struggle with someone that isnt my husband it becomes “You should leave him” so it makes it tough to be able to get that support from somewhere else. I am hoping that WTV is able to help me too.

#5

@PUPPYLOVER thank you for sharing with us here, love to know how you’re doing this week so far?

We actually covered a topic last night in our group meeting that might be useful for you here.
You can see some info via the Playbook: Knowing & Living in our Limits. The exercise is to think of where you are getting pushed beyond your limit and to come up with one limit (however small) to set and take action on.

An example here might be, that you’ve seen this pattern with your partner a few times now and you love them but it’s affecting your health and that if he chooses to continue to try the same method that doesn’t work, you will remove yourself from the situation.

The idea is to have a collaborative discussion which means - asking for permission to have a conversation (getting their buy in). And picking a time together that will be a good time for them.

Then doing some prep around the words you’ll use. Roll-playing here can be helpful too!

Also, as @Selfcare31 kindly mentions, we do offer coaching 1-1s with @erica and have a weekly group meetup hosted online which you can join where we workshop topics and here from other peers also going through this.

#8

I can relate! It’s so hard to be open about these struggles for fear of judgement and I think it’s really tough for those who aren’t “in it” to be empathetic. I’m thankful for this space as well!

#6

Hi @PUPPYLOVER just checking in, how are you doing today?