How to help my cocaine addict husband get well?

cocaine
#1

My husband has been using cocaine for over 30 years. His whole social circle is with cocaine users.
I found out 5 years ago, thought he’d stopped but he hadn’t. We’ve now separated as situation became toxic and it was making me ill. Since I left he hit it hard but recently I sense he’s trying to get on top of it. I’ve told him I will support him 110% in his recovery but he says he’s taking it a day at a time and will sort himself out. I know he needs proper rehab as he says he takes coke when happy or sad he just takes it.

I know he’s a very proud man and is scared to get help and make those changes. How can I help or encourage this to happen?

Many thanks Fraser

#2

Hi there @Fraser - welcome!

Let me start by acknowledging you for being such a caring wife and partner. Your connection and support - like you say - is so important to his recovery. Evidence tells us that with loving, empathetic, non-judgemental, and compassionate engagement, we can help our loved ones into recovery.

Might you share a bit more detail of some of the past conversations you’ve had and some of the specific concerns you have about his use? With that info, we might be able to dig a bit more into how to help with some skills and tools!

Also inviting @polly to share here, who’s also been journeying with her husband in a struggle with cocaine use.

#4

Hi Katie, past conversations consist of him thinking he’s no good and I can do better. He blamed me for moving out and taking a stand in the situation. I gave him ultimatums and he’s done nothing,
He thinks he can do it in his own his way. He’s surrounded himself with cocaine users which I find difficult. I just want him to get proper help he won’t let me in, I’ve offered to support his recovery but I feel he thinks he can’t,
He takes coke when excited or sad when he drinks just seems to be whenever he can.
I struggle that he’s willing to lose it all but seems to believe he’ll get through it on his own his way. But unless he makes big changes to his surroundings I fear it won’t happen.
I know he loves me but I don’t think he understands how to make me happy, he doesn’t realise I just want his time and attention no big grand gestures.
Coke always comes first and his best friend the enabler, he won’t get rid of him from our flat we rent on our farm to him. That was one of my demands in order for us to be together. I can’t understand why he hasn’t.
Everything u say about the situation he just says I’m righting ges sorry he’s let me down. I just want him to get well.

#5

I think the best thing is to find out if he feels he has a problem. That’s the beginning of recovery. If he agrees theres a problem i think a detox just to get medically checked out plus to get rest and perspective. That’s a good start

#14

Thanks for calling me in @katie and sorry for the delay!! @Fraser that enabler friend is a tough combination living so near! Have you ever tried talking to them about cooling things down?

#7

Thank you,
The idea of trying to put this to him frightens me as I fear the rejection of him saying he’s fine.
He very traditional and sees it as a weakness to get help, rather than a Strength,

#8

@Fraser Sending you so much love during this tough time. It’s admirable how strong and loving of a partner you have remained. Do you know any of his close friends or family members who could maybe try to talk to him and intervene? You have a lot of pressure on you right now, and it’s healthy for us to delegate some of that to other people willing to help us. He might respond better this way.

#13

Great point @apisapia322 - @Fraser can you focus on the harm being caused instead of the behavior (using the substance) maybe that is an in to have a conversation. ALSO ask for permission and if the time you choose doesn’t suit him ask for a time when he’d be open to talking with you. Getting his buy in can really help <3

#10

He pushes everyone away, I told him I love him and I always will and he says thank you.
So hurt. I must leave him alone and look after myself. Xxx

#11

Hi @Fraser - sorry for my delayed response here. I’ve had a really busy past week and needed time to respond to this because this is my situation exactly!

So my best friend / colleague (who is now my husband) began a 3 year spiral downward with cocaine, and since then it took rehab and 3 years to get to where we are now which is healthy in recovery and getting stronger (but still growing / healing!) every day.

We worked in advertising and he started using as a way to have some fun after work, then to push through work, then every day, then to escape from how bad things had gotten. It took us a while to understand how bad it was and by that time it was daily, with frequent disappearances for days. UGH!

My husband is also a very proud man, he told me the reason it took him so long to get help was that 1. it was too scary to admit to himself he couldn’t stop if he wanted to (like yikes zero control that’s scary!) 2. He thought he would risk his job / relationships / status in the country if he opted for a real break (rehab). 3. He didn’t want to commit to never using again, and not to have to become fully sober from alcohol etc.

If these are things your husband is also concerned with, maybe you can help him understand that:

  1. Substances hijack your brain making it hard to stick to decisions, easier to act out of impulse, harder to reason, and easier to fall into depression (that makes you want to use) in the hangover stage! Knowing this can help us realize it’s not just a matter of choice, there is biology behind this.
  2. There are laws that protects privacy and your job when seeking treatment for addiction.
  3. He doesn’t have to never use again. But it will help to decrease use and stopping for a while is something to work towards and test - like an experiment. This is not working so let’s try something else!

For you - focus on the harm being caused not the actual use, it’s easier to open up conversations when we’re aligning on the harmful outcomes (missing work, sleeping for days etc.) versus attacking the use, which tends to make them defensive.

Also know that it won’t be a decision to stop and then a result. Change takes time and effort. There will be slip ups. But decreasing use and adding in positive life experiences (what hobbies / activities does he love?) and connections with friends/family/community that are not into the ‘party’ scene can be game changing (they do say the opposite of addiction is connection - and my husband also isolated himself completely which was painful to watch …many a day I would be over at his apartment with my finger on the buzzer…)

OK just wrote a lot :slight_smile: let me know if any of this is helpful and I’d love to get more specific. This was a really life changing and eye opening experience for me and we made it through the other side but it certainly hasn’t been, and isn’t always, easy!!

Oh also, a day at a time was a helpful concept for my husband but I know what you mean when you want to see real support and actual change. It’s tough.

#12

Totally agree with @ashleykm3 here - the more people I told and got involved the better (close friends / family) for his recovery. The sooner he is ‘outed’ for it the better, in my opinion! I wish I had done it sooner. All in the pursuit of his health and love for him.

#16

You’ve shared a lot really honest and (I think) helpful info here @polly, and I want to highlight this piece of info because I didn’t know that (!!) and it really helps remove a logistical hurdle in the recovery process.

#15

Love him unconditionally but realize no one can help him until he’s ready.

And he will only be ready when he admits he has a problem.