Hi everyone. I found this community when I was Ina relationship with a longtime meth addict. We were together for almost 3 years during which most of the time I though he was in recovery and I was doing all I could to support him emotionally and financially at times. It all came crashing down when I walked in on him using, found out he had been using the whole time, and then watched him hit rock bottom and become homeless after I got him to move out of the house we were sharing. I ended things with him and moved away from the small rural town we had moved to together during the pandemic. He stayed and by the time I moved had gotten himself in a bit better of a place. Now, 9 months later, I have seen through social media that he is engaged and expecting a child with a woman he started seeing soon after I moved away. I have had a hard time moving on, have not been able to find stability in housing or my finances, and am continuing to feel deep grief over our relationship almost every day. I have dreams where I confront him about how he has moved on without me and last night I dreamed that I smoked meth with him. I can feel that I am desperate to feel close to someone again like I did when we were trauma bonded. Knowing that he has moved on makes me feel so left out in the cold and imagining that he is stable and sober with his new partner makes me imagine that part of his instability was in reaction to me. I feel so damaged by the relationship we had still and don’t know how to let go of all the hurt and disappointment. I had imagined that I would have to push him away and avoid him trying to reattach to me but it has been the opposite. He has respected my space and just moved on. How do I process that he is happy and healing while I still feel wrecked by the aftermath of all the trauma, lying, stealing, and even all the high moments and reconciling and making up for bad behavior? I worry that I will be stuck here forever.
How to move on and let go
Hi Sarah, I can hear the pain in your post and for what it’s worth, you’re not alone. Grief is grief and it’s quite a painful process. While my situation is different, I can relate to the pain, confusion, regret, self blaming, and mental torture of emotions you are experiencing. Did you two ever have a conversation during his recovery in which you expressed to him that you were open to reconciling once he was better?
It’s easier said than done and I know words don’t do justice when it comes to even begin to explain the hurt. But it’s important you keep focusing on yourself and remind yourself that you are worthy and remove the blame for yourself. We all have reactions we’re not proud of when we reflect on past relationships but it’s not fair to wonder if you contributed to his instability - he is responsible for his behavior, recovery, and actions. This is where I can relate. We ruminate when we’re left with our thoughts and reflect and start to shift the blame on ourselves or question ourselves, and that can be the worst. And I’m sure seeing him move on and create a new life for himself has to be hard, especially if you had hopes of reconciling. And even more if you put in the hard work and sacrifice to support him through his addiction and recovery. But, if he couldn’t appreciate that or value that, to at least reach out then that says a lot about him and not you. Did he ever try to reach out during recovery to make amends? I believe that’s part of the 12 step work he should have done during recovery.
You loved and you were supportive and that takes a big heart, which makes you deserving of someone who will value that. You won’t be stuck forever. Remember, this is all temporary. Brighter days are always right around the corner. It’s a tough moment, but it is a moment and it will pass. Day by day you get stronger and start to come out of the fog and start rebuilding yourself. Go easy on yourself, be patient with yourself, remind yourself how amazing you are and someone who loves you will value that, we all make mistakes so don’t judge yourself harshly on what you think you did wrong, and focus on you’re own healing because you deserve it.
Here to chat anytime. I’m new to my situation and have a lot of similar emotions you’re experiencing. We’re all here to support each other 
Big hugs. Hope everything gets better soon. Your best days are yet to come.
Welcome back here @SarahR. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
You won’t be. It’s a worry that many of us here have felt. And we have all made it through. It takes time, courage, and hope. Don’t let go of hope.
There’s an Al-Anon book that I like called Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses, and it addresses the grieving process for dreams, relationships, expectations, and death. Lots of wisdom to hold onto in those pages, even if you haven’t been to a meeting or necessarily follow the Al-Anon program.
Try to stay grounded in the present, and find positive moments and gratitude where you are right now. It’s tough, but they’re there. Big hugs to you. 
Thank you to all who responded. I wrote my post from a pretty raw place this morning so I wanted to clarify something. I don’t desire to be in a relationship with him again and I did make that very clear to him when we parted. We did leave things on pretty good terms when I left and he had made some efforts to help me in my moving process and send me off with supportive well wishes.
He never did go to meetings or formally begin his recovery process so it is unclear whether he is still using and has just gotten better at masking it or has found his own way into sobriety. Its just hard for me to let go of this sense of ownership and connection to his additiction and to imagine that it just got better while I still feel in the trenches of the trauma I endured from it makes me angry. I would love to move on and be with someone else but the hit to my self esteem and mental state has been too significant to be in an open headspace. The anger and the trauma and guilt was what really kept us close in the end and now feeling let off the hook from his end, I just wish I could let it all go and forget it happened but it is still such a main feature in my daily thoughts.
Hi @SarahR - how are you doing today?
Unfortunately, sometimes the only way out of the pain is straight through it. Trauma lodges itself in our bodies, so it makes sense you’re still feeling like you’re “in the trenches” if you’ve never full addressed it and let it go. Have you considered reaching out for help via therapy, coaching, or other network? Any kind of community or practice that resonates with you can be a first step toward healing. Even just sharing here is a big step.