Hello, my name is Justice. I am new to this group. I’m currently in a new relationship. My boyfriend has been in and out of recovery since he was a teen. We have only been together for 5 months. When we met he was very open and honest about his past with SUD. He became a heroin addict by age 15. He’s used to take suboxone but felt he didn’t want to depend on that day to day. He told me he had 7 years clean and is a substance use co-occuring counselor, so I felt safe to start a relationship. I noticed him becoming distant about 3.5 months in. I confronted him after noticing track marks. He denied it once and told me the truth the next day. He said it was just two isolated weekends of injecting cocaine and says he hasn’t used since he told me the truth. My gut says otherwise. He is coming around more often but I still feel he hasn’t been totally honest yet. He cried and told me he’d never had anyone approach him about this in such a caring way. I want to be a support for him and see him through. I want us to work, he’s a wonderful person but his addiction changed our relationship. He doesn’t want to go to groups locally because of his job in the area. I get that. I guess I’m just looking for support and advice on how I can interact with him and feel comfortable moving forward without overstepping. I have fallen in love with him and I’m not ready to give up yet. Thank you in advance for your support and advice.
How to regain trust after a relapse?
Hold on to the truth, because there’s hope in the truth. Even if it’s one truth after a million lies, that’s the part of him that’s telling you he really does need your support. There’s a lot of lying that comes with addiction, wrapped up in fear and shame. My husband lied to me over and over again. But once I started giving him safe space to tell the truth, even after he lied, he started to open up more.
It’s tough, because it’s not like they can lie to you whenever and it’s always okay as long as they eventually tell the truth. But it’s more about meeting them where they’re at, and practicing empathy and compassion, and also understanding what you need to feel safe and well.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation. There is hope. I suggest learning as much as you can about addiction and its effects on the brain. These two books really really helped me: Beyond Addiction by Jeffrey Foote and Clean by David Sheff.
I also suggest following @wethevillage.co on Instagram. They have a bunch of videos of Jane and Erica answering questions like these. This one talks about moving forward with curiosity rather than judgement: