“In my eyes, the past is the past - we learn from it, grow from it, & try to do better move forward but I know for some people that it’s easier said than done. How can I best support you and be here for you through this? I fear this will impact your recovery, and I want you to know I believe we will get through this together
I haven’t checked in for ages, and something showed up on my email to remind me of my resource group right here at my fingertips.
This response is also helpful to me, to be able to say to my adult son when he expresses deep remorse and regret for the mistakes in the past. It gives me a new tool to use in our discussions.
My son has been sober for over a year, now. ( as far as I can tell.)
He applied for a job and was hired, offering complete transparency about his addiction, treatment, and ongoing determination and work at staying sober. He knows that his life depends on it.
He has regained some self confidence, begun having some contact with healthy friends from the past, and communicates and visits with his children.
To say that this part of the journey has been challenging would be an understatement.
As his mother, living on high alert is my biggest struggle. Learning to trust is also difficult for me. Having him living at home is somewhat a curse, but for the most part, it is a blessing. I continue to struggle with my own issues of enabling vrs empowering. At the same time, as we age, having him at home and healthy is very helpful to us. Families used to live in multi-generational homes successfully, and they still do in some other countries. Because he lived 25 plus years independently, first in college and then married with children, he already experienced leaving the nest.
Returning to the nest so that he could have more support as he struggled with trying to overcome his addiction has worked for us. But there is this nagging insecurity about how “normal” this is.
Ultimately, my son has stated repeatedly that he couldn’t have managed this past year without the safety net his childhood home and parents provided. He has grown significantly, and recognizes the difference from the first weeks when he couldn’t manage filling out a questionnaire on the computer, could barely get out of bed to take a walk, was afraid to drive anywhere, to today, when he manages most tasks on his own-even frustrating, challenging ones. When he asks for help, I am mindful about whether or not my help is necessary, or expedient, of if I should suggest that I am confident that he can figure out a resolution.
He very seldom asks for help now.
I hope that all of you are well. I hope that you find strength in knowing that many of us live with a loved one who struggles with addiction, and that the more we learn, the better we become at managing our own behavior.