I don’t even know how to begin this or how to explain it. In my past I had an addiction to opiates and once this started I began to abuse my prescription for benzos with it. I was out of control and almost killed myself many times. This is going back 14 years ago. I recently had another baby and found myself depressed and anxiety ridden. I have hypothoid disease on top of that and ptsd and a lot of trauma. My husband is also a recovering addict. He found benzos on me three times in the last four months because I couldn’t take the anxiety anymore and I know one way to make it go away and that’s benzos. In full disclosure I will say I know in reality it’s not good for a person who used to abuse a substance to use that substance I’m not stupid, however I wasn’t abusing it, I’ve done a lot of work on myself in the last 14 years to identify my issues. I know what I did was wrong and sneaky. I just feel betrayed because I have put up with him cheating on me, he’s been diagnosed with a personality disorder so I’ve put up with a lot of mental, verbal and emotional abuse and held his hand through all of it, and not once can the same be given to me. I have five kids to take care of, one being an infant the oldest two are 14, we lost our home two years ago to black mold so I’m trying to care for them in a motorhome, I have been very much controlled because he came into this with a past of being abused and an abuser, I didn’t know I was totally love bombed and never met people like his family. I don’t know what to do. Because with all his flaws if it were him I’d be there for him. Idk I just don’t know
Husband is leaving me because of relapse on benzos
@Theotherside - You’ve been through so much through the years and even just the last few months. I’m sorry you’re in this situation and that you’ve had to carry so much weight for so long. It sounds like you’re incredibly strong - 14 years in recovery, raising a family, supporting a loved one in recovery, and now, reaching out for help when you need it. You’re in the right place. 
As you know, it takes a lot of inner work to move forward in recovery and to support a loved one in recovery. You’ve done both. Has your husband done this work, as well? Just asking because perhaps he’s not in the same place as you when you were there for him. Everyone responds to these situations differently, and unfortunately, we can’t always expect others to respond the same way we would.
What are you doing to take care of yourself at this time? I know it probably seems impossible to think of that with five kids to care for, but if you can find way - is there someone who can help? - then you can begin making steps toward a healthier you. What is that you need, that you’re able to give yourself, in order to move past the anxiety and trauma in a positive way?
I think these are getting a little bit better, I’ve been journaling and talking to you fine ladies and throwing myself into my kids. I also yesterday had a chance to speak with my husband and try to make my amends, admit my faults and sorrow. I told him I don’t want to break our family up and rob our babies of their daddy. Neither of us our perfect but I want to be ok just being his wife and a mother. Idk if it’s post partum, if it’s the regular cycle of relapse but I want to do better and be better and I cried out to him saying I’m just so sorry and I don’t want to rob him and the children of their relationship because it’s just not fair. He spoke to me about god and how I was raised in church, he learned about the Bible as an adult and I need to maybe try to re learn it as an adult. I think that this is good advice because a child can’t comprehend what an adult can and I know there’s a lot I couldn’t have understood as a child 14 and under raised strictly pennacost. He said what helped him was making that spiritual connection and when he misbehaves whether it’s anger or past theft god, me and the children hold him accountable and that’s what I was saying when I said why aren’t the kids enough to stop me from destroying everything good that comes our way? He kind of gave me my answer. I wish to keep talking to you guys. When I had no one to speak you you guys were there. This helped thank you so much!
He hasn’t done as much of the work as I have. The studying and reading into the psychology of him and myself. I share what I can. His tendency is to respond to everything with anger because it’s what he’s been taught. He doesn’t realize everything mean he says to me I’m already saying to myself every second of every day. I don’t take care of myself. After the last baby my thyroid levels got very messed up. It got me so sick I stayed trapped in a bed, still trying to nurse for over a year. He didn’t work and took care of me and the children but resented every second of it basically throwing it in my face I was the reason we were still in the motorhome and in this situation and I couldn’t help getting sick so it was just not helpful. I’m already a very nervous person all by myself. I’m a worrier and that’s another thing he would try to make me feel like all my thoughts, words and instincts were wrong. I don’t know if I’m responding to all of that, if I’m responding to post partum, I’ve had it with the other children I’ve given birth to, we have 6 but I only birthed four of them, my twins 14, my 10 year old and now I think I have it with baby girl. I don’t know if it’s my thyroid being off, I was doing so good I’ve doubled my time each time going 6 months, 1 year, 2.5 years then 5 and so on. I saw my baby girl run up to her daddy last night and they were loving on each other, my ten year old he’s raised since he was 1 year old was all excited to see him: I didn’t mean to steal their daddy. I really am so sorry. I don’t have anyone really and haven’t had him in a little while before all this hit the fan. He’s always been one to not be able to manage work, me and all of us as a family so the marriage has been neglected on both sides. I haven’t been as supportive and loving as I should have. All we’ve had this whole time since losing everything is each other and when it first happened it lost his mind. Idk how much you guys know about black mold but it has various horrible affects on the human body. It drained me, it made him lose his absolute mind to where many times I was going to leave some how even to go to a women’s shelter with the children to get them away from the outbursts and insanity but I couldn’t do it. I stuck it out with him. And then I got pregnant. I was so ready to leave I most took abortion pills behind his back before telling him. It was during Covid so I was able to discreetly have them shipped to me. I thank god I didn’t my daughter is such a beautiful blessing of an angel. I don’t know why their not enough to stop me from destroying everything good around me. There’s been so much bad but in each one of them there’s also so much good, their all so funny, unique and intelligent. They’ve made it through trauma, struggle and everything like champions and are far stronger then I’ll ever be. I’ve told them learn from me and don’t let the trauma give you a license to basically be a bad person and do bad things and they’ve listened. Thank god.
We took our baby out to see her first snow with our ten year old and it was so good and then we came back in and made brownies. I hope we can keep our family together just by me being me again.
Hey @Theotherside -
We’re glad you’re here, too, and that writing/talking it out has helped. Journaling and reading is also where I find the most healing! It’s great to hear that you were able to communicate with your husband, too.
Love this! 
Keep staying present in these special moments and practicing gratitude for the little things. It really does make a difference.