After 15 years of marriage, I feel defeated. About 5 years ago it really hit me that he was an alcoholic. I made excuses for his drinking before. I try so very hard to practice detaching with love, but my frustration sometimes gets the best of me - like this morning.
I exploded at him! I thought getting it all out would make me feel better, but of course it didn’t. I cried, & yelled then tried to explain how I felt, and got zero response, nothing new.
How long do I have to live like this? All I want is stability & to feel loved again, although I would take stability if that is all I could get.
I am just so tired - how long do I have to live like this?
Angela216
#1
ashleykm3
#2
Hey @Angela216, thank you so much for being so brave in sharing what happened with your husband. I completely empathize with your situation— sometimes feeling so frustrated with pent-up anger toward my dad for drinking again and ruining family events, but knowing I should keep it quiet . . . then finally just exploding with the hopes that it will finally make him change his behavior if he genuinely saw how upset I was.
However, if I ended up exploding, it always backfired and made things worse: I ended up feeling guilty, arguments got dragged out, and looking back, it never really made my dad’s behavior change.
I know what it’s like to feel like you want stability— it sometimes feels like this deep craving that can just never be satisfied. But here’s the truth: it can be.
Here are some tips on how to have a conversation that actually works:
- Keep it short & sweet.
Oftentimes we can get major anxiety about saying the right things: try to think ahead and plan out in just a few sentences-worth of words what you’d like to say. - Look for the positive.
It’s easy to focus on the negatives, but try to congratulate your husband for doings something positive. Maybe he finally got that thing done that was on his to-do list. It’s the small things. - Be clear & specific.
This is something that I’ve struggled with in the past. Being assertive means being clear and precise, with just the right amount of conviction to get your point across. - Label your feelings (“I feel . . .”)
This removes the potential for any accusatory comments, which will only add anxiety and blaming to the picture and prevent a productive conversation from occurring. - Offer understanding (“I understand why . . .”)
Your husband is struggling. Before you can make change, you need to put yourself in his shoes. - Accept partial responsibility.
Understand that you guys are a team— while he is the one struggling, lay out what you can offer to help cultivate an environment in which he can begin to thrive and recover. - Make a request or commitment (I’d like to . . .")
Having a specific if-then plan will greatly increase your chances of curbing obstacles. For example, “If your friends invite you out to drink, do x instead.”
You’ve got this! I believe in you. Realize that we all can lose our cool sometimes, and that’s ok. The most important thing we remember is that we aim for a better next time. 
katie
#3
You know what @Angela216? Sometimes I think it’s OK to “explode!” I mean, maybe not all the time… but there is NO SHAME in caring enough about someone struggling with addiction that you yell or scream or show big emotions.
Of course, of course, of course, you want stability and to not even be in a situation where you need to yell. And certainly, let’s aim for that… but first, permission to be human.
Is there something that triggered you this morning? How might you act differently next time? Is there a time or place when/where he might be able to better receive what you need to say?