I love my husband but I always feel like number 2. Hes out tonight - the 3rd or 4th time this week drinking - his reasons being that its xmas time and his work is winding up for the year. He was supposed to be home at lunch but its almost 9pm and hes still out drinking. I’ve moved myself into the spare room so I dont have to deal with him when he gets home but the anticipation of him coming home is almost too much to bare. Literally have panic attacks. Our 10week old baby is in the room next to me finally fast asleep and more than ever I am realizing I’m not able to be the mum I want to be nor am I able to provide the home environment I wanted for my child - one that is loving, safe and stable. My husband loves us but he just cant say no. He goes in and out of recovery like a yo-yo. One minute he wants to be abstent and then the next he wants to be able to have a few. But a few always lead us down the same path. He cant put us first and he just lies about where he is, when he’ll be home. The hardest bit is waiting for him to come home, the next hardest bit is that he usually falls into a depression after a blow out rendering him twice as useless as before. We always talk the day after, I listen, I understand, I explain the impact it has on me, he says sorry, he says he hates alcohol, doesnt want to drink it , that he’ll get help. We get back on track and then boom, we’re back to square one again. Its exhausting, I just cant keep living like this. I’m lost and everytime we go through this - when he stays out drinking, drink drives home, makes a scene, i still stick around cause i feel I’m without options. Consequences seem to have little impact on his. Hes had a accident before and lost his licence, hes ended up in hospital with head injuries, he gets so mean and spiteful. It’s awful. I always end up picking up the pieces and now we have a beautiful son and I realise it’s not just about me anymore. I’ve got to put my boy first. But how, where, what can i do? Is leaving him really the answer? I never wanted that. Without alcohol and depression we can be such a tight unit. But more and more, I feel so out of control, I don’t know what to do. I know my husband loves us but i feel like we’re not enough. I’m desperately unhappy.
I love my husband but I always feel like number 2. How do I put myself and my child first?
Hello Vetti,
It’s great that you can be so honest and let it all out.
I think sometimes we separate -when we shouldn’t-
narcissism from addiction. What comes first? Mhmm…
Either way, more than blaming him, or blaming yourself and the situation it is probably more helpful to put the light back on you and to ask yourself some hard questions. Listen to the answers. Some are just lies. Why do I stay? Because I love him. That is not the right answer. Do you really think that you are able to love or him in such pain and toxicity? Is love pain for me? Why? Why did I get in this relationship? How was it serving me ? Etc, etc. Just giving you a few examples from my personal experience. It’s not pretty, but it is the right direction.
Meditation is also an excellent place to deal with our hurt. See where it comes from (you would probably be surprised it doesn’t necessarily all come from him). Be ready to face the feelings of shame, of not feeling good enough. Then dig deeper and ask yourself where does that come from as well. One day you will gain clarity. And be patient and compassionate with yourself. That’s all you need. Hope you feel better soon. Don’t hesitate to write. As you know I have separated from my fiance and my love for him is in another completely different but pure form now. Whether with him or not. More importantly, my love for myself is growing and the transformation -though scary as hell and painful- is bewildering. I feel like screaming FINALLY! I see now.
I hope that made some sense.
There is light at the other side but we have to be willing to dig deep. I hope I get to writing soon some of the things I have been experiencing. Writing has also been very cleansing for me too.
All my love and take good care, Vetti!
Thank you so much for your heartfelt reply. I hear what you’re saying and it’s really helping me reflect. I do more and more realise a lot of the hurt and pain I experience sits with me and from my past as a child and teenager. I realise now that us getting together was filling a gap I had learned to fill - the gap which needed to feel needed and wanted. We were only kids ourselves when I think about it when we got together and decided to spend our life together. I’ve spent our relationship trying so hard to keep him happy and hes always done what pleases him. I’ve in turn tried to control him, who he sees, what he does etc. His alcohol use over the years has led to so many events and situations, which always leads to more pain and harm for him (depression and anxiety). And for me, I see I regress back to being a child and cope as I would when i was little and only feel helpless and without options when all I want is to feel safe, loved and cared for… I see I place all of this on him up provide me and hes not ableto or maybe he shouldn’t. I’ve started to read a book called healing the inner child by Charles L. Whitfield and he talks about our “Real Self” and that healing starts with yourself. All our relationship I’ve only wanted to see my husband happy and healthy but hes on a path I cant stop or control. And I have to ask myself, even if I could, and even if he was happy and healthy, would he be enough? My answer to that is, I’m not sure he would ever be enough. Not now. What we have together, our home, our boy, our marriage makes everything feel so complicated. I feel trapped yet it feels worth fighting for because of the “life” we’vemade for ourselves. But even with those things, I find no happiness, well no happiness that is sustained or long lasting. It always feels like a battle. Every day is a choice to be together, to fight for our life that I’ve always wanted…
I’ve never been good at meditation. I find mindfulness excruciating. Being with my thoughts and trying to move away from the constant babble in my head is soooo hard. I should learn to meditate but it’s also been so scary to ask those hard questions and actually know the answer but not wanting those answers to be right… does that make sense? I’ve probably long learnt to ignore my inner gut, my intuition.
It’s interesting that the more i reflect on all of this, the less it becomes about my husband and his drinking and more about me, my needs and my need to heal, find love for myself again. And if I were to focus on that, I believe I will be a better mother and may be able to find inner peace which I’ve so desperately wanted.
That’s wonderful! I might check out that book. I am looking for the best ways as well to heal that inner little girl! So far meditation is great. But perhaps a little something else would speed up the process.
I totally get you. We also feel guilty for “letting other people down”. Why do we think we can do better than others at taking care of themselves? Cos we can’t!
You probably remember my post just after the breakup. Just a couple or three weeks after, the realizations are amazing. I also felt back then that my ex was spinning out of control. I felt that if I didn’t take him back he would be virtually on a path to total self destruction in a blink of an eye…surprise surprise! Yes, he has been high a lot. But he has also moved into a lovely shared apartment, been promoted at work -yes, unbelievable-, I thought he would loose it. And he is finally alone with his demons like the “grown” man he should be with no one to pick up the pieces.
He has started acting like a normal person with me,
Respectful, non-demanding, not victimizing himself… Took him a few days to get there and he tried to make my life a living hell, believe me. But if he didn’t treat me like what I expect from a normal human being I wouldn’t give him the time of a day (by phone and text so far). I accept nothing else but respect. And I hold no grudges. What’s the point?
All that because in the meantime I have come to many realizations about myself. I suppose I have started loving myself. I don’t want to be with him or any other man at the moment and this is a very needed and delayed “me” time. I can only thank him for bringing me to that breaking point. A blessing in disguise.
I suppose you come to a place where you just accept that all is out of your control, apart from yourself. It was a sick situation for him too. How can I expect him to start feeling adequate and healing, with me in the middle doing it all? He is a grown man for god’ s sakes! He was actually the one to implode in the relationship. And it was the right move. Not the right way but it is what had to be done. Anyway. That as far of the “guilt” and responsibility towards another.
We have it “easy”. Imagine it being your child? Imagine having to accept to yourself that yes, he might kill himself or herself with their addictions. Imagine having to reach to a place where you also have to accept that. I have read testimonials of parents who after many years of it came to that heart-wrenching yet at peace realization.
Either way my dear Vetti, whatever we choose in all our different situations, let’s all try to reach that “inner peace”. I strongly believe it is our birthright.
Wow wow wow @Biancachops - this is super important to highlight. Thank you for sharing!
And @Vetti - maybe check out this post about meditation for some resources for how to kinda ease your way in. I also really like the 10% Happier podcast that talks about all different kinds of meditation - it introduced me to the Loving Kindness meditation which is way easier for me than other kinds I’ve tried!
This has been one of the most stimulating conversations I’ve read in the community @Biancachops @Vetti ! Vetti, mindfulness can feel like a pain for me as well because as soon as I try to put the focus on clearing my mind, that’s when my mind’s like “Nope, you gotta be thinking about this negative thought right now!” and then it works in reverse. But reality is (and I’m still working on convincing myself of this truth) is that that’s what’s supposed to happen during mindfulness techniques… and that over time, you get better and better at it.
Pay attention to the ways mindfulness has already helped you! You mentioned:
It’s interesting that the more i reflect on all of this, the less it becomes about my husband and his drinking and more about me, my needs and my need to heal, find love for myself again. And if I were to focus on that, I believe I will be a better mother and may be able to find inner peace which I’ve so desperately wanted.
As you become more mindful about the situation with your husband, it seems like your intuition is giving you an even greater gift— to reflect on your own needs! This is something you want to pay attention to. Maybe mindfulness will help you out after all 
Beautiful! Thanks, Ashley!
I have no idea about meditation really. I just tried it the first time to calm myself down, since no one else was there to do it for me. So I quickly read a post about it and put the timer on for 15 mins… All I understood was I was supposed to focus on my breathing, let the thoughts come without judgement and then let them go and focus again on your breathing. I don’t know what other techniques there might be. Anyway, as simple as it is it works for me it seems!
Also, the fifteen minutes sometimes seem so short! It’s quite incredible really. Some others I am fine with just 5 or finish before the timer.
I don’t think “we get better at it”. Most times, it is after or well after that meditation that realizations come to me. It makes me feel calmer in the moment though. Some other times, on a busy productive day when I have sat down and done it, out of nowhere tears just started pooring out. So I let them. I suppose that more than a “practice” to be mastered to perfection, it is more of a cleansing method, to be continued the longer the better.
Don’t know if I am doing it right, but it’s working for me! 
Thanks @ashleykm3, it’s been so helpful for me and has given me a platform to work from within my thoughts. It also helped me construct a difficult conversation with my husband which feel has helped me to communicate my needs. I will definitely try to persevere with mindfulness. Glad I’m not the only one who finds it hard! I downloaded some meditation music / guided meditation on spotify so will give it a proper shot. I see why it could be so effective…I just need to give it a chance and maybe as you say it may help me after all …
Theres been some more developments but I’ll reply to the other previous thread!
@Biancachops I’m so glad to hear meditation has been working for you. There are all kinds of varieties of meditation— if you’re interested in trying some new types, I’d recommend the app Headspace! There are tons of different methods on there, even meditations designed to help you work out or eat healthy! It’s nice to have a little guidance from an app. I’ve heard amazing things!
Hi there,
Thank you for the Christmas wishes @Biancachops! And for all your kind words and advice.
I thought I’d touch base again and let you all know what happened since Friday night at home. Firstly, I’m still with my husband! Once he got home I was able to relax a bit, hidden in the spare room having time out from the antics. I know for a fact if I’d confronted him that night after drinking it would be totally unproductive and unhealthy. So I waited until the morning to talk. I for the first time, explained it (our relationship) wasnt working, that neither of us were happy and that it had got to a point of toxicity. I said I was tired, so tired of doing everything when i was trying to look after myself, our newborn baby, and keep our life going (keep our money, pay the bills, do the shopping, cleaning etc etc). I had explained that I have some how lost myself over the years and need to put myself first, have time to heal and grow again. I told him Ithought he was broken too. He acknowledged he was. He has gotten overweight, unhealthy, drinking way too much, working long hours, depressed, anxious, sleeping way too long every day. I explained i didnt know if we could heal from this all and be together. I said I didnt know if i could heal with him in my life because when things happened (e.g. he got drunk, got mean and did something really stupid like drink drive, have accidents, hurt himself, get DUIed etc) I found myself feeling helpless and stuck, that I regressed into being what I did when I was a child/teenager, that I needed to heal from this. That it made it so much harder to heal while the toxicity was still in my life. I used some if the advice/conversation we had in this forum - that how can I let him heal if I’m always in the middle doing everything. I acknowledge that I have to take responsibility for my own responses to him and the situations that arise.
My husband said he didnt want us to separate. That he knows we need to heal n we will. We made a plan which was to
- look at marriage counselling in the new year
- he was going to prioritize his health - exercise and eat better, lose weight
- find things we love to do for our selfies - for me I want to start paddleboarding n get a bike
- we set a goal to do a big tramp/ trek in 2 years when baby is a bit older.
- that my husband would try to do more to help me at home. - I’m going to show him how to use the software for his business cause I do all the book work for that too.
- I’ve also decided to change my eating habits - partly because I’m breast feeding but also because I want to feel better.
I’m still unclear about his stance on alcohol. He wants to be able to drink it “normally” - cut back and only drink at events. My feeling is that nothing good ever comes from alcohol. That as long as alcohol is around we end up back at square one. It’s funny cause now that I write this I realise our conversation was less about alcohol and more about us and ourselves as individuals. I’m not sure this is ok? Alcohol has been a major stressor for me all my life and in our relationship it’s become totally unmanageable.
So I’ve given us 3 months to work on the above to see if anything will change. So by March I should be able to say I’ve done everything I can to make this work…
I have to give it a shot especially for our son and my concious.
This is such a great turnaround to hear @Vetti! I applaud your courage and strength to think about the best time to talk to him, and share everything that’s been on your mind in a productive way. This clearly allowed your husband to let his defenses down and own his stuff. BRAVO!
I LOVE A PLAN! And to see that you wrote it out makes it even better because you can go through each bullet and identify what you need to do to achieve that goal. I’d recommend start with the points you are fully in control of: paddle boarding/biking and working on your eating habits. Then get into the points that involve both of you and work collaboratively: look into finding a marriage counselor, help him learn the software, and help brainstorm things he may want to do for himself (maybe he’ll join you on the paddle board or bike). You can model healthy eating behaviors but ultimately he is in control of prioritizing his health. But as he sees you working to live a healthier life he will most likely be encouraged to follow!
Regarding his stance on alcohol - you may be unclear for a bit, however, by working on your relationship he will be reminded about all the wonderful things in his life, hopefully feel better and healthier, feel more connected to you, and more in control of his life. As you work as a couple to build new healthy behavioral patterns, they will hopefully encourage your husband to go from old using patterns to new non using activities. The new stuff will begin to become more appealing than the alcohol!
Kudos to you again, I’m so happy you’re able to relax a bit and go from feeling out of control and not knowing what to do to creating a solid plan! If I can help brainstorm ways to enact the plan in any way just let me know, I’m here and happy to help! 
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This is incredible @Vetti - thanks for including us in what’s happened for you in the last week! Such an honor. To build on what @erica shared about goal-setting, something to consider for each bullet point is a “by when” date. Like, by when will you look at marriage counseling? Can you set a date/timeframe for when you will research counseling? A date/timeframe for when you might have you first session booked… etc.? This might help keep ya on track so March doesn’t come and go, and leave you guys scratching your head about why little was changed or achieved.
Thank you so much for your encouragement and support @katie and @erica. I’m so glad I’ve joined this forum since it’s been more difficult for me to get to my al anon meetings recently. I definitely have been doing a lot of soul searching / digging working out what I need to do for me. Its so hard. It’s so easy to say I’ll do these things and then let it slide when things feel ok… soon enough everything isnt ok though. I truly owe it to myself to action these things. I just rang to find some inner peace and contentment. I should put dates on to the things I have control over for sure. Since writing this list I’ve decided I need to get my garden up to scratch again - totally let it go - as I’ve always found it so rewarding and grounding. The marriage counselling is a bit harder cause it requires both our committment. Since it was my husbands push for us to do it this time, I may see if he can organise it.
I ll definitely keep in touch with how things are going and will ask for some help as I go a long…
Thanks again for all of you xx am loving it.
I just re-read your post and this struck out to me.
You know -we know- that we can give all of that to ourselves right?
Anyway, this is the second time I write this post but it disappeared, so it probably won’t sound as right as the first time so bear with me. If it still doesn’t appear my heart will still be there,
What I wanted to say was that I don’t know really whether to wish you and all of you on this Forum a happy Xmas… It can be a weird time when there are addictions involved, right? 
A bit of humour never harmed,. As far as myself, I will be keeping well away from all that Xmas and New Year frenzy. in company of my cats and lot’s of goodies.
Oh well, here goes after all… Happy Xmas to you all! <3
Your husband is a grown man. You have to put yourself first in order to take care of your child. Tell your husband the choice is to get help or his family.