Hey everyone I’m new here but desperate to deal with my feelings they are a roller coaster of ups and downs. Heres my story, I was married for 27 years, my husband passed from a heart attack I never thought I’d meet anyone again then it happened 3 years ago I met the love of my life. Well way too many red flags ignored he’s 55 lives with his folks , didn’t have a steady job etc but I gave no idea what made me feel madly in love. Then he admitted he smoked pot daily then I found heroin in my closet I’ve been in recovery for 22 years so I guess I was in denial. Now he’s in rehab I think either because his folks insisted or he tested dirty and had to do this or go back to jail. So let me get to the point when he entered I understood completely no contact, as soon as he got his phone back he’d text morning noon and night telling me how much he missed me couldn’t wait to be with me etc. now I had a planned visit a few days ago he never answered my texts or calls he blew me off. He’s been there 7 months now. I have a gut feeling he started an affair in rehab. I’m not sleeping or eating I’m a mess. I’m a 62,year old woman acting like a fool. I am strong and responsible but when it comes to him I’m a fool. I’m scared to death to let him go. But I’ve been texting for days all I got was a sorry I haven’t texted things have been crazy here. Do I follow my heart or head? I have one rule in our relationship no cheating ugh. Thanks for taking the time to read this! Etc
Im sorry you’re going through this. Don’t feel ashamed or be too hard on yourself, we love who we love and addiction is a disease that affects not only the addict but those who love him. I’m in a similar situation now, no contact and I stopped eating for a bit. I turned here and to Al Anon and have found day by day healing. Take care of yourself. It sounds so easy and I know it’s so hard in moments like this but truly take care of yourself because you didn’t cause his disease and you can’t cure if. He has to do the work to fight addiction and also work on himself and his behaviors. I totally understand your pain. Feel free to message me if you need to talk, I’ll just listen All you can do is take care of yourself and be there when he’s ready to talk again. The waiting is what’s grueling but focus on yourself and day by day you’ll find healing. Sending light and love.
Hi @Ellie910 - Welcome here and thanks for sharing your story. @Aria is so right - don’t be too hard on yourself and addiction affects everyone involved, even those who are not addicted. I know I have said and done things that didn’t reflect the person I wanted to be. We may not be able to control their behaviors, but we can control our own. I didn’t want to be the person I was becoming, so I started looking inward and asking myself why I was behaving the way I did. I realized how hard it is to look at myself and actually make positive changes in my own life, which in turn helped me understand just how hard it was for my husband to make changes, as well.
There are a million what-ifs and unknowns and possibilities for the future. You may end up together, you may not. Why focus on the negative? The what-ifs can be so damaging when all they’re all just fears cluttering up our heads. But what if everything works out, even if they don’t work the way you expected? You never thought you’d meet anyone after your husband passed, but you did. You’ve endured grief and pain in the past and came out on the other side with love. Remember that, and keep going. Sending love.
Aria thank you so much for reaching out. I am so mad at myself right now. I have bit my tongue so many times I’m surprised I have one. I finally reached my boiling point today. I think everyone has a last straw. I did something I swore I’d never do I went verbally nuts on him told him everything I had held in. Now I feel horrible I’m not that person well today I was. My family and friends were actually proud of me but I feel like a fool. I think I did it because I’m too scared and weak to walk away He’s all I’ve wanted for years. I guess I gave him the money perfect excuse not to ever talk to me again. So here I sit heartbroken ugh
@Ellie910 How are things going today?
This question you posed really stuck out to me. I feel like it can be hard to even tell the difference between what our heart and our head is telling us! But I’ve noticed that my head often goes off in tangents, creating its own narrative that’s not necessarily rooted in truth. It’s easy to get caught up in that. Sometimes the best way to come to a decision is quiet the mind. And even then, we don’t know if that decision is the right one, but we gotta let go of outcomes and accept it will all be okay, even if the outcome isn’t what we want or expect.
Not sure if that helps you but please just know that no matter what, you’ve got everything you need within to get through whatever comes next.
Hi Jacqui thanks for asking been difficult because I lay awake nights and haven’t had much of an appetite but I’m trying to move things in the right direction. I keep active with work Al-Anon and friends but it’s the alone time when I get sad. I am very proud I’ve made it thru a week without unblocking him which is a record for me lol. He’s such a narcissist I’m sure he hasn’t even cared but that’s ok.
@Ellie910 It sounds like you have a good support network in place. That’s huge.
Just know that it’s okay to feel sad. Remember that feelings pass. You won’t always feel this way.
Jacqui thanks for responding the encouraging words really do help! I’m too embarrassed to talk to my family or friends about this situation they didn’t like him from the get go they were seeing reality while I was wearing my rose colored glasses.
@Ellie910 when you posted “narcissist” my head said RUN! You poor dear. I bet you are the type of person that has a big heart to share with the world. Which is exactly what a narcissist will take advantage of.
Approximately one year ago I began to realize my daughter constantly lied and became extremely manipulative. Before that I had never heard of narcissism. I started researching drug use causing multiple personalities and I learned about NPD (narcissistic personality disorder).
Finally putting a “label” on what was happening with her at first seemed to make me feel relieved. I figured I could get her help for that. Well now I’m fairly certain I’m the one needing help. Help in standing strong against narcissistic manipulation
Dealing with a narcissist is very difficult. They lie, they manipulate, they duck, they dodge. They tend to keep everything and everyone in a state of Kaos. Kaos helps the narcissist to hide, cover up, or blame someone else.
My daughter has a boyfriend who loves her very much and when she is in his head manipulating what she wants and I notice he is upset. I tell him don’t walk…run! And even though he is in love he needs to stand strong and not be manipulated. It is as painful to see him being treated poorly just as it is painful when she treats me poorly.
When we are in love we want to believe the good. It feels better. So sometimes I think we lie to ourselves to protect our heart and the narcissist we love.
I feel your pain and I wish narcissism was a word I would never use. I’m doing my best to take my life back from the narcissist in my life. I hope you will too!
I wish you the best and you definitely should consider counseling. God bless!