I’m tired of him not even trying – why is it so hard?

recovery
self-care

#1

I have tried everything. We fight all the time because he doesn’t think that his addiction is what is tearing us apart. He left for 3 days over the weekend. I am tired of chasing him I am tired of giving my all and him not even trying. He says that me crying makes him leave because it hurts him. Well what he is doing is not just hurting me but the kids to. He can’t keep a job very long. He can’t go a week without doing meth. I had him sober for almost a month then he went and did it again the week before or wedding. It hurts so bad to feel like I am not doing no good anymore. He said stop pointing out his flaws and stop crying. It’s hard. I have been to rehab 2 times in my life and I relapsed about 9 months ago when I meet my husband. Well, I have been clean for 6 months now and he just keeps doing it. Staying sober is hard but he won’t even want to try to go to rehab - thoughts?


#2

I’ll start of by saying, congrats on the 6 months, this is an incredible win for you! This is certainly you should try and find time to celebrate! And engage in self-care! You need to make sure you’re staying engaged in your own recovery and not neglecting yourself as you put all your energy into his recovery.

I can relate a lot, it’s very hard to keep our own emotions in check when we’re dealing with supportive a loved one who is struggling. One thing that is helpful is planning out any conversation you think you’ll have with him. The sober time in the past gives your evidence that there is motivation to build on, but at this moment the drug is stronger than the motivation. By planning out a conversation (you can even write out what you want to say and rehearse it with a friend) it helps from crying when speaking with him (he probably leaves because of the hurt he’s caused you and it’s easier to escape with instant gratification vs. actually facing the pain you are feeling).

In terms of this situation I think it’s best to move forward with curiosity about what the substances did for your husband, or what not being fully engaged does for him, in a non-judgemental compassionate and empathetic way. Let him know you want to have open dialogue and you’re there for him and want to understand what his journey has been like. This will allow him to let his defenses drop and engage more fully with you. In addition, try to keep the perspective positive, instead of pointing out his flaws. “You never listen to me when I’m talking to you” could be improved by saying, “I understand that some of our discussions are upsetting, but I’d love it if you could help me work them out.”

This is a good flow to follow when preparing for communication with your husband:

  1. Ask permission to have a conversation: by doing this you allow him to invite you in rather than intrude, it allows him to be an active participant in the conversation (who has a voice that is heard) versus a passive recipient. By asking permission you increase the likelihood that he will listen to what you have to say and be open and receptive. If not to talking about their addiction, at least it will allow a place to engage in some conversation related to their life and making it more enjoyable.

  2. You can now provide him with information you may want to share: offer, don’t impose, provide options to achieve the goal (offer to go to a CMA meeting with him, find him a therapist, talk to his doctor, go to group therapy, etc), if there is disagreement flow with it so it reinforces that you want to be an ally in helping positive change for the both of you. In addition, it may be helpful to offer activities that could be fun to engage in together! This reinforces the ability to enjoy life without substances.

  3. Check back in with them by asking “does that make sense to you”, or “I just want to check back in about…”

A few tips for when you engage in this communication:

  • Express empathy and acceptance toward their concerns.

  • Find a distinction between present moment behavior and the end result they actually want. (ex: if I know that the person I’m concerned about wants to feel connected (as we all do) and I speak to them in a way that divides us, I am actually reinforcing intoxication. This motivates me to find a different approach, regardless of prior dynamics of ways in which we communicated.)

  • Choose something other than arguing. No matter what. Confrontation forces a win/lose situation. A divide. A hierarchy, an inequality. Reinforcing intoxication. - ex: Basically if it gets too heated, take a deep breath and walk away.

I hope this helps, ultimately it really is about making a more meaningful connection, as well as making sure you’re okay.


#4

Hi @Kjordon89 just wanted to check in here and see how you’re getting on, any updates you can share with us? <3