Hello, so out of pure desperation, I started searching for help because I’m just not sure what to do. I found this place. Please help me collect my thoughts. I met my fiancé almost 2 years ago. We got engaged quite quickly. I didn’t realize this alcoholism was as bad as it is. we’ve been through several withdrawals to the point where he has seizures. I’ve now been shut Out and he’s literally ping-ponging that he wants to be with me and then he doesn’t wanna be with me. I understand he’s going through a lot. His depression kicked off with the end of his marriage and the loss of his kids and basically whole life. I’m very sympathetic to all of it and I’ve helped him get his kids well 50% custody. I’ve helped him get a divorce paperwork that we are currently waiting on and I thought that this would make him happy or enough to quit drinking but it just doesn’t seem like that I don’t understand because what he wanted he now has and yet it still doesn’t seem like enough now it’s to the point where I’m not enough for him anymore. He’s been on a binge for several weeks. His cousin offered him a job and then it went horribly wrong and so now he’s down because of the job thing, down because the kids cause they’re not talking to him and everything just seems to be a Mess. He knows he has an issue and every day he says, give him one more day to get himself together, but it just doesn’t happen. He refuses any help because he believes he can do this on his own. He’s like eight years in. I don’t know how to be there for him because he keeps shutting me out and I’m very concerned because What if he has a seizure? His mom who lives in the front house isn’t concerned for him and literally told me she’s just waiting for him to die essentially. All of his family has given up on him. As a human with a heart, that’s so hard for me to hear and it makes it even harder for me to leave him because I don’t want him to die let alone die alone . He has four dogs that I’ve gotten very attached to and I’m concerned for their well-being as well. Please, somebody help me give me advice. I take all the advice. I’ll take all the words of wisdom please help.
I must be broken. Please help comfort and provide words of wisdom
I’ve been in a marriage for almost 19 years with the same guy as you described and I can tell you that you can’t help him until he wants to help himself. I have tried everything with this man: it took me 13 years to even get him to try anything but here’s our timeline and where we are today:
- Rehab - 13 years into our marriage he went into a 30 day rehab where he met a girl and because there was “ something about her he couldn’t get over “ he broke our marriage and I moved out with our 3 small kids. That relationship lasted 2 weeks and then he wanted me back. I went back after 2 years of on/off and I’m still working to forgive him as well as trust him still till this day.
- Relocation - 17 years in after he loses his job he had for 17 yrs he suggests maybe if we relocate to another state that things will be different. I agree and move. He’s went to a detox because he was so intoxicated that he attacked me in front of our kids then was sent to a psych hospital and held on a 5150 because he was aggressive with the staff. He “ couldn’t “ do rehab because he was starting a new job and outpatient wouldn’t work with his schedule so he agreed to do AA. I went to AA every night with him and I cried when he got his 30 day sober Chip only for him to drink 3 days after that. He’s been through 5 jobs in the last year and he’s about to lose his 6th because of his binge drinking. In the meantime he’s showing the kids what poor example he is and I’m angry, numb, and hate the person I turn into when he says I’m going to the liquor store. I’m torn when it comes to my kids because do I stay so they have a father that sets bad examples or do it on my own again? My kids are old enough to know what he does and they think if I leave him that he will drink himself to death so they want him with us. My health has gone downhill both mentally and physically and he’s doesn’t care.
I was the girl who would have never lived like this before I had so much strength and I was so independent. I thought I could save him or help him and it took me a long time to realize he has to save himself. I know I sound very pessimistic as I write this to you and trust me it hurts me because I’m very optimistic and have been most of my life but if I had known where my life was taking me I wouldn’t have went back to him after we separated the first time. I’m at the end of my rope right now as I write this to you watching him sleep. His smell is making me nauseous because he refuses to shower when he binges and he’s been going for a solid 3 days. We don’t make love anymore and he’s become a burden.
I know everything I said was awful and most would say if it’s so bad why do you stay? When he’s sober I can almost forget the bad for a few days and remember how wonderful he can be when he’s him. The guy that makes me laugh and is a great father. He’s an amazing cook and very smart. I’m still very attracted to him. He can be everything I ever wanted in a husband until he says those magical words that snap me back to reality.
I found this website the same way you did. I want you to know that you’re not broken and you are enough but you can’t fix someone that doesn’t want to be fixed. I wish you all the best and I hope your situation turns out better than mine but please don’t blame yourself because it’s not you.
You need to run. You are not “helping” him with his kids or divorce, you are enabling him and doing it for him. He has no rent or bills as you say from living with family and probably also gets money from his mom, etc. He has no reason to want to quit. He can keep staying in active addiction. Run. Leave.
You seriously need to ask yourself why you would stay with someone who treats you this way? It took me many years to figure this out. You are worth more! That is not love. Luckily you are not in that deep. I have dealt with this for 35+ years of my life. It is so freeing to choose yourself instead. I would suggest you stop “helping” and doing everything for him and choose yourself instead. Maybe you could look for a counselor or therapist? Or read an Alanon book or go to a class?
Same here, 2 years in, and he’s been this way since 2013. He is 1/2 the ruin of his marriage, doesn’t see his kids, has no car, and a shitty job he’s about to lose, and drives drunk daily.
My empathy, compassion, and hope have run dry, as of now. On 11/21 I went to jail for domestic violence felony after I called the police on him, and after I whacked him multiple times with a very small travel toiletry bag, having exceeded my capacity for the BS and lost my shit AGAIN. $5k later, no conviction, no arrest on record, thankfully, I realized that I’m the one who hit rock bottom and need resources to help me set some boundaries with him or say goodbye. I think this course will help me in relating in this type of relationship and hopefully with regulating my emotions. It honestly doesn’t seem like a life at all, dealing with him and his maladaptive coping mechanisms. I know the microdosing with psylocybin can cure alcoholism and that CRAFT and ITC is 64-75% effective. I’m listening to books before I engage the course and counseling. 46% of families have a loved in active addiction, thats 1 in 7 families. It’s a pandemic! I often wonder if I was in optimal health, how minimally I’d react or be affected by his BS or anyone else’s for that matter and if I’d stop taking it so personally, cognizant of the fact that his actions say everything about him and nothing about me. I’m a parentified daughter, a fixer. It’s easier to focus on others instead of myself and the things I need to work on, be needed, be over functioning, and the victim. This relationship has exposed triggers, issues that need serious healing. I cannot blame the teacher for the lesson. No one gets out alive, there are natural and imposed consequences in life. I’m putting my oxygen mask on 1st this year, let the pieces fall where they may.
Not anyone of us is broken or exempt from behavioral or substance use addictions. There is no them or us; we all are, together. We are right where we need to be because life is learning, we’re not separate from another, but a part of and everyone matters (something I struggle with daily).
Take a break for yourself and pony up with resources for you in this, not him. The rest will come. If you build it…change the steps in the dance, by default the dance changes?
Hi @Flower4ever - there is hope! My husband was addicted to opiates. It started off as pills when we were dating and then got worse, and then better, and then much worse, and then better again. It’s a rollercoaster for sure. We have been together for over 20 years and in that time he’s been to rehab, he’s gotten clean and relapsed, we went to couples therapy, individual therapy, 12-step programs. It’s been over two years since he had his last slip, and about eight years since he was in rehab. All this to say… recovery is possible. It takes a ton of work from everyone involved - that means not just him, but you, too. You don’t have power over his behaviors, but you can influence them. It starts by improving your relationship with him and with yourself. It starts with identifying your own needs and fears, setting boundaries, and improving communication. It’s a lot, but you start one step at a time. My first step all those years ago was making an appointment with a therapist.
What’s something you can do as a next step?