Did I make the right or wrong decision? or is this a grey area?
My fiancé and I have been together for 4 years and have a wedding planned in a few months. When we first got together he shared with me that he had been in rehab years back for heroin. He had five years clean. I decided to continue the relationship and admired how forthcoming he was. He has a great family, is well respected in his career, always treats me well, and loves my family too. About a year into our relationship I found needles in his drawer and I was so caught off guard. I found out that he was injecting cocaine. We made an appointment to speak to his psychiatrist together. They meet monthly and he receives a prescription for Suboxone from her. When the three of us spoke she felt that it would not be helpful for his recovery to tell his family. So, we worked through it with our couples therapist and he worked through it with his psychiatrist as well. He used for a while and then had some months without using. Jump forward a few months later and I found more paraphernalia in his travel bag while we were away for the weekend. Each time I asked him about it when I saw indications of use he admitted it. That year was difficult as I would often check the bathroom floor or the sheets for blood spots. I once found them in the ceiling.
But he was able to get clean for a year and a half and we were both so happy about it, proud of him, and doing well.
Then six months ago he came home and let me know that he had used. He was at a friends house and some cocaine was brought out. I asked him if he injected it and he said that he did. He said that he knew his friend had needles for a medical condition so he used them. My fiancé felt that he had lost a year and a half of time clean and I encouraged him that you can’t lose that time.
Fast forward to last week. My fiancé called me and told me that he was tired and going to go to bed early before I got home from work. This isn’t uncommon as he works long hours and had to wake up very early the next day. A few hours later he got up and went into the bathroom. I asked him if he was using and waited up until he would leave the bathroom. He eventually came out and admitted it.
I didn’t tell anyone in my support network about this and felt so isolated. I had told two of my friends a couple years back but didn’t want them to know. I saw them both and was on the verge of tears but didn’t say anything.
I had a consultation with an addiction coach for family members and she advised me that the situation was serious and keeping it hidden was enabling. So, I decided to tell my mom. I came home and told my fiancé that I had shared it with my mom right away. He is very angry that I told her without coming to the decision together. He is sleeping in the guest room and will barely speak to me. He it’s telling me that I do not understand the long-term consequences of the choice that I made to tell my mom. That they will always see him as a druggie and we won’t be able to just move on. That I should have told someone else if I needed support.
He feels that the fact that he has only used twice In two years shows that he is not in active addiction and that it was just a slip. We had an appointment scheduled two days ago with his psychiatrist but he canceled it when I made an appointment with our couples therapist thinking that we didn’t need both appointments. He doesn’t understand why I didn’t wait and talk to him first. He is saying that if I really felt that I needed to talk to someone I should’ve told him that I needed to get into see someone sooner.
I don’t want to go through this alone. I also don’t want the only people that support me to be people that I have to pay and make appointments to talk to. I feel a little better having my mom know what has been going on, but I also I’m scared that I ruined their relationship and our future in our family dynamic. My fiancé has brought to question whether or not we will stay together because of this. He is extremely adamant that I am not to tell his family. He and his psychiatrist have decided that is what is best for his recovery. He is barely speaking to me.