@Letty14 and @MsNurseteaacher and @Ellie910 …
Hi ladies. How are you doing today? I had a really good day yesterday, went for a long walk at the beach and even went and bought myself some self-help books. Books about healing yourself, one about learning to instill boundaries in life and relationships, one about maintaining healthy relationships … so I am trying …
Today however I have been a bit down … but I guess I will still experience that for a long time to come. I cannot express to you how incredibly grateful I am that I have come across you ladies. Makes me feel a little bit less lonely … and crazy. Its rather remarkable how we are spread out through all corners of the world and can connect on such a level, sharing the same experiences.
On my side nothing has changed … still no contact from him following my message where I confronted him and told him that I know about the affair. Not a single word. BUT he is gymming and running and hiking and carrying on with his life. Im not even sure if he is still in rehab. I know I should be happy for him that he is instilling structure and routine in his life and clearly following the sober approach, but gosh, it breaks me that I am struggling and on the floor having to pick up all the pieces by myself - the financial destruction he left behind, the emotional destruction (for myself and for my son who accepted him as a father) and physical (I feel lonely when I am at home by myself) … hence the books! To try and keep busy.
I am angry that I am struggling and he is carrying on and doesnt think its necessary to apologise, explain or say ANYTHING.
I thought rehab and the 12 Steps also teaches you to take responsibility for what you have done, changing your behaviours, adopting honesty and amending relationships you have broken down. Instead it has turned him into a full blown selfish, self-absorbed a**hole … who has no remorse. But maybe its also a case like you have stated @menursseteacher - he probably discovered he never really loved me. QUITE the opposite of what I believed and what he told me the first 2 weeks in rehab when he was so sorry and literally bombarded me 24 hours a day. I like what you said there - dont take advice or be affected by people whose lives are anything but smooth. I remind myself of that all the time. And I also remind myself when I get super sad, that one day (obviously LOOOOOONG time from now), I will be happy again and I wont have to be the woman who has to be worried about his loyalty, his emotional immaturity, his addiction (if he doesnt make a full recovery), his financial dependence on his parents (trust fund adult) and wondering about which girl he is chatting to now.
I will hopefully have found someone who appreciates me for what I bring to the table - a strong, independent, financially stable professional with a kind heart. My kind heart lets me down most of the time - because I get too invested and get taken advantage of ENTIRELY. I just dont understand how he sleeps at night knowing what he did and took from me, and truly thinking and believing that I dont deserve a thank you. or an explanation. Nothing.
I have no doubt that he is still continuing his affair right there in rehab … with no regard to or for me. And hold me to my word - In a month or two or whenever, he will be sending me a message to tell me that he is sorry for everything he did to me and that yes, he agrees with me, my life is better without him … He will only do this to make HIMSELF feel better and tick that one of his to do list.
I just really feel strongly that rehab has changed him … not for the better … he is become SO selfish and self-absorbed. I didnt realise its such a selfish process.
But I guess also a true reflection of who he really is.
I walked away, was I wrong?
@Letty14 and @MsNurseteaacher and @Ellie910 …
@Letty14 … I also feel that they are so encouraged to cut off from the world out there and everything that comes with it whilst they are in that safe haven … but what happens when they come out. I thought it will teach them responsibility and acknowledgement … where is the being humble?
I’m so glad you were able to have a good day! I l learned from my newly acquired al-anon sponsor to stop worrying about what he’s doing it will take the focus off what we need to do for ourselves so maybe he’s temporarily being healthy but doesn’t mean it will last BUT either way it shouldn’t matter to you. You should be doing your happy things until you dont give a hoot about him. It sucks so bad the time and years and tears we waisted thinking we found the one! But can’t redo the past ever, so let’s all be strong for each other cause we can all relate to the feelings and anything we feel or say isn’t foolish! Like anything in life time will heal the wounds. Smile woman your one step closer to the top of the happiness ladder and try not to look back! Hugs
Thank you @Ellie910 … I really appreciate your kind words … on and upwards … one day at a time!
@Lara A sponsor can help you through the 12 steps. When I first started going to Al-Anon, I was really turned off by the idea of doing the 12 steps myself because I didn’t think I had a problem so why should I do any of that work. But I learned that the 12 steps can really be worked by anyone, about anything, not just alcoholism or addiction.
I’ve had a few sponsors. Usually I’ve asked other women who have been married to someone struggling with drug addiction, because they’re able to relate to my story better. It’s nice to have someone you can talk to in a safe space, with a story of hope and recovery to lean on when you’re feeling very alone.
When you attend meeting that are 12.step or support group you listen to what people are sharing and the amount of time they have been involved in the program I always look for someone I can relate to, I’ve been clean and sober for 22 years but I wanted a different sponsor fo what I am dealing with now. You simply ask the person if they will take you as a sponsee . They are your main support in that group.